Revelation
by Pforte
Summary: Two friends who become lovers in times of war, from their 7th year at Hogwarts till OotP. Rated M for later chapters. Slash SiriusRemus.
1. after and before

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's note: Since I've got the hang of how to do it since posting this story first, I reformated this chapter. Looks better now!

* * *

**Revelation**

_chapter one: after and before_

"Let's get properly drunk tomorrow night!" suggested Sirius excitedly.

"Why tomorrow?" asked Peter, looking up from his Potions book.

"Don't be so dense, Pete!" Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's Prongs' first date with Lily. He finally talked and pranked her into oblivion and we should _celebrate_ this, don't you think? Remus are you with me?" The tall black-haired boy faced his other roommate.

Remus grinned. "Sure, why not?"

"Excellent!" exclaimed Sirius jumping on his bed. "Three Broomsticks or Hog's Head?"

Remus frowned. "You want to leave the castle?"

"Yes, smart ass, or do you piss Firewhiskey?" Sirius grinned mischievously. "And it's not as if we've never done it before."

"Look, Padfoot, it's a Hogsmeade weekend anyway. Why don't we get the Firewhiskey tomorrow afternoon and get drunk in here?" asked Remus.

"The Prefect's talking, I knew it," Sirius said, sulking. "Without James it's no fun!"

Remus watched his friend bemusedly. Padfoot, as he was called, was doubtless the most daring of the Marauders but closely followed by James Potter. They were more like twins anyway and seemed to share one mind. But Remus guessed that Sirius only wanted to get drunk in Hogsmeade because he wanted to annoy James, who would be there on his date with Lily Evans. There was something in Sirius' grey, fathomless eyes that didn't fit his boisterous behaviour.

"You'll leave Prongs and Lily alone! It's their first date for heaven's sake. Go and prank them the day after that."

"Wormtail, are you in?" asked Sirius stubbornly.

"Nah, sorry mate, I think Moony is right," said the smallest of the three, eyes still fixed on the book. "I still have to write my extra Potions essay since you genius distracted me during the lesson. We go to Hogsmeade and get the booze and we'll get drunk afterwards in the dorm. Deal?"

Sirius Black knew when he was outvoted. "Yeah, deal…"

The door of the dormitory flew open and another boy stormed in, grinning madly.

"Tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life!" he cried happily, jumping on Remus' bed and knocking his friend over.

Sirius rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, we know Prongs. You've told us about a billion times over the last days. I wished Lily would have waited till today. She would have spared Moony a few grey hairs."

Remus, who had just recovered from his friend's exuberance, looked up, smiling slightly. Only Sirius could joke about his condition like that. Since he had been bitten by a werewolf and had to go through very painful transformations every month, he felt uneasy about his body. He was covered in scars and his light brown hair already had a few streaks of grey. He had never meant to tell his friends, lest they turn their backs on him disgustedly, but they had found out anyway. And they had surprised Remus Lupin by assuring him of their friendship and they had even spent years trying to turn into animagi in order to keep him company during the full moon. Whatever James Potter and Sirius Black got into their heads they always succeeded. They had become Animagi almost three years ago in their fifth year at Hogwarts. Even Peter had managed the complicated magic, though admittedly with lots of help from Sirius and James.

"Oh, Moony, are you alright?" James had just realised that he had almost knocked Remus off the bed.

"I'm just peachy, you great prat," grumbled Remus and stumbled to his feet. "And instead of knocking me on my butt you should thank me on your knees for keeping Padfoot away from Hogsmeade tomorrow evening."

James spun around immediately. "Padfoot, you wouldn't dare!"

Grey eyes met blue ones. "Dare me, do you?" was the sly answer.

"Moony, you keep him here! Make sure he's busy with some girl he hasn't dated yet."

"Nope, no girls tomorrow. We're getting drunk!"

„Yeah, if you mess it up you're welcome to join us!" grinned Sirius.

James answered this offer by throwing one of Moony's pillows. Sirius broke out in a barking laughter and grabbed his own pillow.

"Can't you be quiet for one minute? I'm trying to write an essay here!" came Peter's squeaky and slightly annoyed voice.

"Bugger off and write it in the Common Room!" answered James and Sirius simultaneously. They looked at each other and were shaking with another fit of laughter.

Remus shrugged. "I'll come with you, Wormtail. Let these morons fight. Maybe they're too exhausted for snoring toni - " With that he ducked and only narrowly escaped two flying pillows.

* * *

Remus left Peter in the Common Room and went to the library. NEWTS were coming up and contrary to James and Sirius he actually had to study for good marks. Not surprisingly he discovered a familiar redhead. Lily Evans had been made Head Girl and in Remus' opinion she deserved this. She was a brilliant witch but was working hard to get top marks nonetheless. He and Lily had spent many hours in the library studying Arithmancy, Defense against the Dark Arts and Charms, which both of them loved. She was a very kind and compassionate girl and, of course, the declared love of James' life. Remus smiled when he approached her. 

"Hey Lily, may I take a seat?"

"Of course, Remus," smiled Lily back and little sparks were dancing in her deep green eyes. Remus understood perfectly why James was in love with Lily Evans. Not that he was jealous. He had accepted the fact that he would never have what Lily and James were doubtlessly going to have. Being a werewolf had several drawbacks. Loneliness and secrecy were two of them. Being forced to be better than others in order to have the slightest chance of getting a job was another. Remus sighed inwardly.

"Are you excited about tomorrow?" asked Remus.

"Yes, but don't tell James. I still think I must be mad to have accepted a date with him." Her tone was joking but her eyes betrayed the affection she felt for James Potter.

"I'm glad you finally did," Remus answered warmly and smiled because she had called his friend 'James' and not 'Potter' like she used to.

They were both silent for a couple of minutes while Remus got two rolls of parchment and an old quill out of his bag. He really needed to buy a new one soon.

"Remus, would you do me a favour?" broke Lily the silence.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I'd like you to answer a question. Honestly!"

"Alright."

"Why doesn't Black like me anymore?"

"P…pardon?" he asked perplexedly.

She giggled slightly. "Not like that, silly. I just noticed…he is looking at me lately as if I personally offended him. Apart from that he is ignoring me. Why is that?"

Remus thought about this for a moment and decided not to tell her what he suspected to be the truth. He didn't like lying to Lily but Sirius was one of his best friends. Why had she noticed anyway? They weren't exactly friends. But then again, Lily was a smart and observant girl. Lying wasn't easy but what he was about to say wasn't far from the truth, either.

"I think it has something to do how he feels about James. They are like brothers. You turned him down so often…yes, he deserved this! But you turned him down so often that…well, I guess he is a bit overprotective, that's all."

Lily had watched him intensely but Remus was used to having secrets and concealing the truth.

"Alright, if that's what you think…well, I guess, he'll calm down, won't he?"

"Sure! He'll be his old silly self before you can say 'Giant Squid'."

She giggled again and for the rest of the evening they were working on and talking quietly but animatedly about their latest Arithmancy homework.

* * *

They went back to Gryffindor Tower together. When they entered the Common Room it was almost deserted. Almost – but for the three other Marauders and four fifth years. Remus scanned his friends' reaction to their entry. All of them were sitting close to the fireplace. James was smiling broadly, Peter was waving to them to join the party and Sirius…Sirius was staring at them enigmatically. This was getting strange, thought Remus. He sat down in a comfortable armchair across from Sirius, who was sprawling on a little sofa. James asked Lily about her day and what she had been doing so long in the library. When they started chatting Remus took out a book in order to disguise his real intention. Peter was trying to engage Sirius in a conversation about Bat Bogey hexes but Sirius' answers were mono-syllabic. He was obviously brooding. After about fifteen minutes he got up, said good night and rushed up into their dormitory. Remus looked at Lily who had had the same idea. Their eyes met and he felt slightly guilty but only shrugged apologetically. They were the only ones who had noticed Sirius Black's odd behaviour. Remus waited some more minutes, yawning demonstratively. 

"Well, I'm going to bed. Night Peter, Lily…Prongs. Don't do anything Sirius wouldn't."

They laughed and bid him goodnight.

When he arrived in their dorm he scanned the room for his friend. Sirius was sitting in front of a window and staring outside. It was dark and Remus saw only a silhouette. He sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. Sirius was quite outspoken about his feelings but when he noticed that someone tried to pry he could be extremely stubborn.

"Hey Padfoot, you're not sleeping yet?"

"Apparently not," was the brusque answer.

Remus closed the distance and noticed that Sirius wasn't wearing anything but his pants. He shook his head. Remus never felt comfortable without proper clothing and especially not on a cold winter night in a huge castle. It was even snowing! But Sirius was apparently oblivious and he didn't want to play the mother.

"Padfoot, what's up?" he asked carefully.

He heard a deep breath.

"Moony, I know that you won't believe me when I say 'nothing' but I don't feel like talking about it right now."

Silence. "Alright…whenever you feel like it…anytime," said Remus slowly, headed to his own bed and changed for the night.

After lying down and before he eventually fell asleep Remus thought about the changes in Sirius' life. He had almost destroyed Remus' own life by telling Snape to go into the Shrieking Shack at a full moon. Remus had been shocked and appalled when he found out the next morning. He hadn't talked to Sirius for about two weeks. But Sirius had come every day and apologized. He seemed to be broken and Remus had never seen him so vulnerable. It was then that Remus got to know a completely different Sirius. A scared and lonely one. A Sirius very much dependent on his friends. It was the first time that Sirius had reminded him of himself.

After Remus had forgiven him and everything at least appeared to be back to normal, Sirius had turned back into his usual arrogant, boisterous and self-confident self. Almost. During the summer holidays he left his parents' house for good and moved in with the Potters. After that he had started writing to Remus. At first, the letters were short and still apologetic but then they became increasingly longer. Remus was shocked at what he found out about his friend's family. They wrote about other stuff as well and became closer though they didn't see each other once due to Remus staying on the Isle of Man with his parents. But then they returned to school and things changed again. Or so it may have seemed.

_...to be coninued

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Like it? Don't like it? _Please take a minute and **review!**


	2. feelings revealed

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her diverse publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's note: There are two OC in this chapter and one of Sirius' lines is inspired by Highlander _Indiscretions. _May the true fans find it!

* * *

_chapter two: feelings revealed_

The next day was perfect: freezing cold but clear and sunny. James was up as soon as the sun started to rise and annoyed his sleepy roommates with singing.

"Prongs, I swear…one mowtanza an…and I'll hex you intowoblivion," yawned Sirius.

"C'mon Padfoot, you went to bed so early, you can't possibly be still tired!"

Remus shot daggers into James' back. "Yeah, such a beautiful day…if the sun had risen yet," he stated sarcastically.

"You're just grumpy because you aren't going on a date!" teased James.

"Sure thing," sneered Sirius, the most infamous womaniser Hogwarts had seen in a century.

"Sirius, you're no fun in the morning. I'm going to get breakfast," announced James dryly.

"If he uses my name as a pun one more time he'll find out whether Evans likes him bald," Sirius growled.

Peter was still snoring.

* * *

When the three dateless Marauders left for Hogsmeade later that day they were in a much better mood. The sun was shining brightly, they had had a very good breakfast, had jinxed the Pumpkin juice on the Slytherin table and they were certainly up to no good.

James was nowhere to be seen but none of them had expected otherwise. He was probably still standing in front of a mirror, trying to tame his hair for the occasion. Peter chatted happily about Karen Matthews, a Hufflepuff, who had allegedly smiled at him at breakfast. Remus was assuring him half-heartedly of her attention. Surprisingly, it was Peter not Remus who had never had a date. Sirius was blissfully unaware of the small crowd of girls making sheep's eyes at him, and was whistling some kind of song. He seemed at ease. If Remus hadn't known better he could have fooled him.

After they had entered Hogsmeade they went straight to Zonko's Joke Shop. They were going to need dungbombs for one of their next pranks and had run out of them a few days ago.

"Moony, that doesn't compromise your precious ethics, does it?" joked Sirius.

"No, but covering up for you does. That was definitely the last time I spent time in McGonagall's office, just because you and James can't stop jinxing Snape," countered Remus.

"Touché!"

Peter snickered. "Hey Padfoot, what's our distraction for getting the Firewhiskey?"

"Distraction?" Sirius looked indignantly at Peter. "We won't need a distraction. I can easily play my charms on Rosmerta. She _is_ a pretty little thing. We had quite a time in a broom closet last month."

"Sirius!"

"Come off it, Moony. You're not my mother. Not that she would give a damn." Sirius laughed but there was a slight note of bitterness in his voice.

They got the Firewhiskey as easy as Sirius had promised. Sometimes Remus was still taken aback by Sirius' success with women. He was amazingly good-looking with his grey eyes and silky black hair that fell nonchalantly on his shoulders. He was tall and had a well-shaped body from playing Quidditch, though Remus doubted that anything would change if he ever stopped playing. That boy could eat for two! And he was brilliant as well. The list of his qualities was probably endless but every girl at Hogwarts and surroundings must have found out by now that Sirius Black never went for one girl for longer than a week or two. Why they were still drooling over him was beyond Remus.

When they eventually went back to the castle they had three bottles of Firewhiskey safely stored under their robes. Peter was beside himself with admiration. Suddenly they heard laughter and giggles and soon enough James and Lily came into view. She had taken his arm and he was smiling from ear to ear, positively beaming. Remus eyed Sirius warily. His friend had stopped dead but his face didn't display any emotions.

"Hey, you two!" cried Peter excitedly. "Guess what Padfoot has done!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Wormtail, for crying out loud, I only persuaded one bloody woman to provide us with some booze. It's not a bleeding miracle or something."

"Nice language, Black," commented Lily dryly but ignored the comment about alcohol.

"Padfoot, mate, calm down. He was just telling…" James looked slightly dumbfounded.

"Yeah, well…whatever! You two enjoy yourselves, will you?" asked Sirius, and Remus could have sworn that he was embarrassed by his rather harsh reaction and wanted to make up for it with exuberant cheerfulness. "We're certainly going to have fun tonight!" he declared grinning. "Maybe I'll get those sissies back to….ah well, I'm talking to the Head Boy and Girl, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are, Padfoot, but I think you're problem will be Prefect Moony, if you keep up that kind of talk," smirked James.

Remus grinned mischievously, taking out his wand.

"Ok, I take it back!" laughed Sirius, poking Remus in the side.

"You guys," grinned Lily. She looked radiantly happy, thought Remus. Both did.

"Have fun then," smiled Peter encouragingly.

"Yeah, and hands off on the first date, Prongs," teased Sirius and ducked right in time not to get hit by Remus' Tickling Charm.

The went off in different directions and Remus was still smiling slightly when he heard Lily's voice asking James, "What about these nicknames you guys have for each other?"

Remus felt the colour leaving his face. What if he told her?

* * *

Sirius Black didn't like the way things went at that time. He didn't like problems at all and he didn't like to admit that he had them. When they went to dinner that evening he was determined not to brood, which was Moony's field of expertise anyway, and to keep up the happiness. He was devouring some pork chops when his eyes fell on Remus, who was certainly paler than usual. Sirius frowned. Remus had been in a good mood all day though he had noticed his constant observation. You could fool James without further ado and Wormtail even easier but you couldn't fool Moony. He tried to recall what could have caused Remus to lose his appetite because he was obviously not eating. There he sat, brown hair mussed up by the winter wind, golden eyes focussed on the plate in front of him and cheeks as pale as shortly before a full moon.

"Earth to Padfoot," he heard Peter's voice and snapped out of his observation mood.

"What?" he asked, still chewing.

"If you hadn't been busy staring at Moony you would have noticed Magenta Malloy coming over here," snorted Peter.

"Shut it, Wormtail," came Sirius' response before he turned to see the beautiful Ravenclaw approaching him. Magenta Malloy was a fifth year, if he remembered correctly, and distantly related to the Blacks. Every damn pure-blood was related to the Blacks! She had curly blonde hair, huge blue eyes and a strawberry mouth. Sirius had been thinking about snogging her more than once. Finally she stood in front of him, playing with her fingers nervously.

"Hi, Black!" Her voice was deep and melodious and certainly sexy.

"Malloy," Sirius nodded casually.

"I…I was asking myself whether you'd go to Hogsmeade with me after dinner…"

"After dinner? I wasn't aware of your Marauder qualities, Malloy," grinned Sirius, pleasantly surprised.

"Yeah, well," she laughed a little tensely. "Nobody knows the grounds better than you guys…an…and I felt up to a little adventure." Magenta smiled seductively.

Normally, Sirius would have accepted without a second thought. But he and his friends had other plans for the night and Sirius was determined to cheer Moony up.

"Sorry, Malloy, not tonight!" said Sirius.

"It's ok with me and Pete if you want to go to Hogsmeade, Sirius," interrupted Remus.

"No, _we_ have other plans, Moony," answered Sirius determinedly. That was so very _Remus_. They were planning for the evening all day and here was Moony thinking it was okay when Sirius let them down.

He turned back to face a very disappointed Magenta. "Well, we can go to Hogsmeade another day, can't we?"

She turned a shade of magenta which made Sirius smile inwardly.

"Sure. Erm, I'll see you then." And with that she turned abruptly and left the Great Hall with her friends, who had been waiting for her at the exit.

Peter snickered. "Merlin, you are the only guy I know, who would turn down a girl like Magenta for an evening with us and still make her happy."

"Hey, what the heck do you take me for? Friends are more important than a snogging session…even if it were with Magenta Malloy. She could have asked earlier anyway," replied Sirius indignantly. "I'm stuffed. Are you guys finished?"

Peter looked pleased by the prospect of being considered more important than Magenta Malloy and Remus, who hadn't eaten more than two bites anyway, shrugged and stood up. When he noticed Sirius' gaze, he gave him a half-smile. "I'm fine," he said before Sirius could say something. "Just not hungry."

Sirius didn't believe him for a second. Remus hadn't eaten anything but a chocolate frog from Honeydukes since breakfast.

* * *

Half an hour later only two of them sat together in the Common Room. Outside the Great Hall Karen Matthews had actually asked Peter for a private word. He had promised to join them later and was beaming with anticipation when he followed Karen. Remus and Sirius were more than surprised and Sirius was making jokes about Peter's funny face all the way to Gryffindor tower. But now, sitting in the crowded Common Room, he couldn't help but notice that Remus was deep in thoughts. Something was worrying him and Sirius would be damned if he couldn't find out what. He jumped off the couch and grabbed a surprised Remus by his arm.

"Enough brooding for one day…for both of us," he growled and dragged him into their dormitory. He led him to his bed, made him sit down and went over to his own bed. Sirius pulled out the Firewhiskey from under his blankets.

"It shouldn't take long to make you drunk and talkative, Moony, since you haven't eaten anything at dinner," he said.

Remus smiled guiltily. They were both silent for a while.

"Do you think Prongs will tell her?" Remus' voice was hardly more than a whisper.

"Tell whom what?" asked Sirius confusedly. He sat onto his bed, drew out his wand and conjured three glasses.

"Lilly….about me."

And then it clicked. _What about these nicknames you guys have for each other? _he heard Evans' voice in his head.

"Moony…Remus, listen!" he barked and Remus looked up, startled. "You can't possibly think that Prongs would tell Evans about your furry little problem without your permission! He isn't as stupid as I, for heaven's sake. He risked his life to protect you…he would never betray you, NEVER!"

Remus blinked and then sighed. "You're right, of course. It's just…he is so in love with her…and…yeah, you're right. I was stupid. But Padfoot, you're no-"

The door opened and Peter stumbled in. "She asked me for a date!" he cheered.

"Excellent, mate, come here and get some Firewhiskey!" Sirius offered quick-wittedly though both boys were still mentally occupied with their previous conversation." Tell us everything, Wormtail!"

They spent the next hours chatting, laughing and drinking and soon enough they were befuddled. Peter's nose was pink and he hiccoughed every five seconds while smiling broadly at the prospect of his first date. Remus was getting calmer every minute but Sirius knew that he could tolerate more alcohol than most boys of his age. Sirius felt dizzy but was determined to get Wormtail drunk enough to fall asleep. He liked Peter Pettigrew but he really needed to talk to Remus since he was the only one who would _understand_.

They had written each other quite a few letters over the summer and Sirius had found a new level of appreciation for his reserved and kind friend. He would have liked to spend more time with Remus but when they returned to Hogwarts embarrassment overruled this desire. He had written to Remus! Remus, of all the people! The one he had almost turned into a murderer. The one that had enough problems with being a werewolf. But James could be back any minute now. Time was running out.

"Who's up for a little marauding?" he asked his friends after making Peter drink another two glasses.

"I…hic I rather go -- go to bed," babbled Peter, who could hardly manage to keep his eyes open anymore. Sirius smiled contently. Mischief managed.

"Moony?"

"Where to? Kitchen?"

"We'll decide on the way. C'mon Moony, get up!" And with that Sirius crossed the room and grabbed Remus by his robes. "We take the map." Remus took the ingenious piece of parchment they had created the year before, Sirius seized a full bottle of Firewhiskey and the two Marauders were on their way. They made sure their pace was steady enough before entering the Common Room. It wasn't too crowded and nobody commented on them leaving the tower shortly before curfew. After all, they were the Marauders and Remus was a Prefect.

"So, where are we going?" asked Remus, carefully trying not to waver.

"Kitchen first, and after that the Room of Requirement," suggested Sirius.

Remus agreed and using the map they got into the kitchen unseen. Twenty minutes later and loaded with chicken wings, butterbeer, chocolate cake and éclairs they arrived on the seventh floor. Sirius passed the respective tapestry several times before a door appeared. They stumbled in and found a cosy room with a crackling fireplace and furnished with comfortable couches and armchairs. They fell on an especially inviting sofa. The boys ate cold chicken and drank it down with large gulps of butterbeer. They were slightly sobered up by their trip and the food. When they were satisfied and Remus started on a piece of his beloved chocolate cake, Sirius asked, "Any time?"

* * *

Remus wasn't surprised. He had expected this to be the purpose of this nocturnal excursion.

"Yes, Sirius, any time you want," he answered, looking expectantly at Sirius, chewing wistfully on a bite of cake.

Sirius smiled gratefully. He took out the Firewhiskey and filled two glasses he had found on the little table in front of them, but he remained silent for several more minutes. Remus didn't push him and waited patiently.

"Well, Moony…I…I never thanked you," said Sirius hoarsely. "You're still my friend after all I did to you…an-"

"Sirius, stop!" Remus interrupted his friend's ramblings. "That's not why we're here. You've done enough apologizing for all seven years combined. I've forgiven you. You're my best friend."

Sirius' eyes didn't betray any of his feelings. They were grey and fathomless and only the blazing flames were reflected in them.

"Something is worrying you. I've noticed and I'm sure James would have noticed as well if he wasn't so preoccupied." Sirius nodded, facing the flames.

"Lily has noticed, too."

Sirius' eyes grew wide. "What?"

"Yes, she thinks that you're mad at her or something. I told her you're just being a little overprotective right now."

"What makes you sure I'm not?" asked Sirius, grimacing as he swallowed a mouthful of Firewhiskey.

"Your letters."

Remus watched his friend's struggle. Sirius had written these letters for a reason and he had trusted Remus enough to confide in him. Would he trust him again? Remus felt never really sure of his friends' affection. He was a werewolf after all. The cake lay forgotten on the plate.

"You're my family, you know?" whispered Sirius suddenly and Remus let out a relieved breath.

"All three of you. Not these pureblood suckers I share a name with, but you three. James is almost like a twin. Peter is the little weird brother. And you…you are…" Sirius stopped, looking confused. Yes, asked Remus himself, what am I to you? He waited anxiously for Sirius to go on.

"You are some sort of bookish and wise older brother everyone wants me to look up to," he completed the sentence, smiling. Remus could see that this wasn't exactly what Sirius had wanted to say. He had still this bewildered look and there was something in his eyes Remus couldn't categorise. Perhaps it were just the flames dancing in them. But even if he had not been able to look at Sirius, Remus would have known that it wasn't true. It was Sirius who behaved like an older brother. He had always been the first who stood up for him. As far as he knew, it was also him who had come up with the idea of becoming Animagi.

"I've lost one family already. I don't want to lose any of you because the selfish bastard that I am couldn't stand it," continued Sirius quietly, brutally honest to himself and his friend as usual.

So Remus had been right; Sirius wasn't prejudiced against Lily Evans. Remus had known for years that she and James were perfect for each other. And now he knew that Sirius shared this knowledge. He was afraid of losing James.

"I know it's ridiculous. They're on their _first_ date, for Merlin's sake. It's just…" Sirius stared at the glass of Firewhiskey in his hands. He looked forlorn and very young. Taking a large gulp, he grimaced again and then faced Remus, catching his eyes for the first time since they had entered the room.

"It's because last year, I almost lost your friendship. And it had been my fault. I know…I…it was the worst thing I could have done to you and-"

"Padfoot, you already apologi-"

"No, hear me out! It was then that I realised what you all _really_ meant to me. And then I moved out last summer and the Potters took me in and I…it felt like home, you know?" said Sirius with a funny voice, eyes shimmering with tears. _Tears_?

"Padfoot, I think you've had enough of _that_ stuff," said Remus and gestured to the bottle of Firewhiskey. But it was too late. Sirius buried his head between his hands, shoulders shaking. Remus closed the distance between them and patted his friend's arm. That only increased the intensity of his sobs. Remus frowned helplessly.

"Sirius?" he asked anxiously.

Suddenly Sirius lunged out, grabbed Remus' robes and started crying against his shoulder. Remus was shocked. He had never, NEVER seen Sirius so devastated. Crying, yes, Sirius was the most emotional of the four of them. At least in front of his friends he always displayed his feelings though he didn't always tell them what was wrong. But this must have been building up for quite some time. What was he supposed to do? He was drunk for crying out loud and even sober he wasn't good at comforting others, touching people. Remus closed his eyes and let his instincts take over. He embraced his friend clumsily, stroking his back.

"Ssshhhh, Sirius, it'll be alright," he managed to say.

"Remimsowy," mumbled Sirius.

"Yes, I know. And…and I can't promise that nothing's going to change, Pads, but…." What was there to add? How could he comfort him? After all, he shared his fears, didn't he? His friends would be getting jobs and a family of their own. Even Peter. But he, the werewolf…

They were sitting like this until Sirius' sobs grew less intense and finally died away. Remus wondered whether he had fallen asleep in this rather uncomfortable position when he heard Sirius' voice again, but this time less muffled and definitely steadier.

"I just made a complete fool of myself, didn't I?" and with that he looked up at Remus, who, being suddenly aware of his hands still stroking Sirius' back mechanically, almost jumped off the couch.

"N…NO, no, you didn't. What are friends for?" he smiled awkwardly. "I won't tell the others," he added for good measure. The spot where Sirius had spilt his tears was growing cold.

Remus felt himself blush and Sirius looked at him for quite a while and heaved a sigh. "No, you won't. You're the best friend anyone could hope for, Moony, ye know that?" He sighed once more. "And no, I'm _not_ just sentimental…not anymore," he added. "I'm sorry, I just never…you know the House of Black doesn't exactly encourage any emotions apart from pride and supersli…superciliousness, Merlin, I'm still drunk!"

He leaned forward and hugged Remus spontaneously, who stiffened. "Thanks, mate! Honestly. I know it's ridiculous." He let go of a very bewildered Remus.

"I just always hoped that James and I would get a place together after school and nothing would change…but it has started already, hasn't it?"

"Lily."

"Well, yeah, if it wasn't Lily, it would be some other girl. James was always sopping romantic and all that. He has this knight-in-shining-armour syndrome. Not that I don't enjoy gals but…" he stopped, apparently at a loss for words.

"But you don't feel like you are ever going to be serious about any of them," completed Remus quietly.

Sirius nodded approval and ignored the pun. "How did you know?"

"Because…because that's what I feel. Remember Shannon, the Ravenclaw I went out with last year? I liked her. I liked her a lot. I just couldn't tell her…about…you know, being a werewolf and all. She wouldn't have understood like you guys."

"How d'you know?"

"She once said that werewolves and vampires should be banned and quarantined on the Hebrides."

"Ouch!"

"Yep…" sighed Remus. "Gimme another glass, will you?"

Sirius filled their drinks anew and they both sat another minute in silence, enjoying the warming and burning feeling of the spirit.

"I don't think that any of the girls -- and it have been many," smirked Sirius, "could be more important than…whatever, I've never dated one who made me dizzy…DIZZY," Sirius laughed with a bark, "like I'm now from booze…like James is most of them time from fanzss…fantasising about Evans."

Remus felt dizzy as well but took another sip nonetheless. He liked having control but losing it felt good if it was in the confines of a secret room and in front of a friend, who would probably not remember anything in the morning. He snuggled up against the cushions and started pondering what time it was and if James had had a nice date and if Peter had noticed their absence and…and…"

_...to be continued_

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Many thanks and big squishy hugs to my reviewers! **Give me more!**


	3. Christmas '77

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JKR and consequently belongs to her and her diverse publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note:** No, still no groping and passionate kissing. But there is obviously something going on between our two favourite Marauders, it's all about reading _between_ the lines. I also want to remind you folks that, contrary to popular belief, reviewing does not hurt!

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_chapter three: Christmas '77_

Four weeks later Christmas Eve was only three days away and almost all students were packing. Sirius had overcome his insecurities or at least buried them deep down. On their last morning he had woken his roommates with load howling and bed-jumping. Everyone knew that Sirius Black loved Christmas and this year he would spend it with the Potters. Remus smiled at his caprices and went to the bathroom. When he came back, Sirius and James were doing some last-minute-plotting and their heads jerked up rather guiltily when he entered the room. Remus shrugged, got dressed and went down for breakfast. The Common Room was crowded but an eerie silence hung over the room. Several students stood in front of the notice board but not a sound was to be heard. Remus stopped dead. This meant only one thing. He swallowed hard before he pushed through the crowd until he reached the board. There it was, the front page of the _Daily Prophet_. Someone had pinned it down the board.

**Shocking Attack on Muggle London**

_Yesterday at exactly 9pm, Leicester Square was attacked by Death Eaters. As usual, the Ministry of Magic failed to prevent this tragedy or to send Aurors there in time to capture some of the murderers. 16 Muggles died, three are still in a critical condition. St Mungo's refuses statements. More on page 2-6._

The page was plastered with pictures of grim looking Aurors securing the place, crying and injured people and Healers running around Leicester Square hectically. Remus didn't feel hungry anymore. How could people do that? These Muggles hadn't done anything but seeking amusement on a Friday evening. Yes, whispered a little voice inside his head, but they would kill you, too, and without second thoughts because you're a werewolf. Remus shivered. He stood there for what felt like ages until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head and looked into sad, green eyes.

"It's horrible. Your mother is a Muggle, isn't she?" asked Lily quietly.

"Yes, she is," answered Remus, wondering why his voice wasn't shaky.

"I'm glad to go back today. Make sure my parents are alright…"Lily almost whispered.

Remus didn't know what to say. He couldn't help feeling small and helpless.

Lily smiled a sad little smile. "Happy Christmas, Remus! I hope you have a nice and safe holiday. Say bye to James, will you? I'll go back to my room."

"Merry Christmas to you, too," said Remus, who wasn't sure if he ever felt less merry, "I'll tell him but he won't let you go without a proper goodbye. Not after he read…this..." His voice trailed off.

Lily nodded. She gave Remus a quick hug. "Take care!" she whispered and took off.

Remus sighed and returned slowly to the dormitory where he informed his friends of the latest attacks. Three hours later they sat in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express. None of them felt the happiness of former years. Remus read a book about Magical Creatures in Australia but he was constantly zoning out. James had left the compartment earlier to say goodbye to Lily for the fourth time. He was now staring out of the window. Peter and Sirius were trying to play Exploding Snap but failed miserably to have fun. Remus was sure he felt Sirius' gaze on him more than once, which made him uncomfortable. When they arrived at Platform 9¾ they hadn't spoken more than five sentences. The four boys got their trunks and heaved them out of the train. Remus saw Mr and Mrs Potter already waiting and waving. Both were quite over the hill but friendly and generous. He waved at them and bid James goodbye who hurried to greet his parents. He turned to leave when he felt a hand on his arm holding him back.

"Moony, have a nice Christmas. I know you won't come and visit but I'll be expecting some owls!" said Sirius.

Remus looked at his friend. He was serious about it with no trace of his usual jocular self.

"Promised! Have a nice Christmas, Padfoot!" he smiled. It felt good to have friends. It felt good to know that they were worried about you. Sirius' smile broadened and he squeezed Remus shoulder reassuringly before he followed James and his parents.

Remus met his mother outside the magical platform. She was a Muggle and didn't feel comfortable around wizards anymore. She beamed at him and pulled him into a firm hug. Remus inhaled the familiar scent of apples and cinnamon. He felt warm and safe and loved and was almost able to forget about Lord Voldemort and his reign of terror.

* * *

December, 23 

_Padfoot,_

_You wanted owls, you get them. Hope you and James don't drive the Potters crazy. Don't bite the hand that's feeding you. Ha ha! Yes, it's the Prefect talking and no, I won't take away house points for you sticking out your tongue. _

_It's great to be home although my dad spends more time at work than with us. He looks awfully exhausted but mom feeds both of us into oblivion. And it's not even Christmas, yet! _

_Today, I wrapped your presents. Yeah, you'll get one, too, though we both know you don't deserve it after the last present you gave me. Honestly, dog goodies? You siriusly misunderstand the matter!_

_No, you won't burn the letter just because I used a tiny little pun. There, that's a good boy!_

_Say hello to Prongs and tell him not to stalk Lily_

_Yours,_

_M_

December, 24

_Mr Moony,_

_You actually wrap our presents? Wow, I didn't know about your domestic qualities. Well, on second thought, I did._

_Mrs Potter makes fantastic Christmas cakes. We already ate all she had made for Christmas. She only laughed and said something about boys. Honestly, she is great. Prongs' dad spends all his time in his garage inventing stuff. Most of it is useless but as long as he's happy…_

_Yesterday, Prongs and I flooed to visit Andromeda. Nymphadora is really sweet for a girl but the poor kid will always have to suffer from that name. I taught her how to belch but Andromeda is no fun when it comes to her daughter. Prongs has already sent two owls to Lily._

_Don't ruin your eyes by reading in the dark and save some books for next year!_

_Your stuffed and belching_

_Padfoot_

* * *

When Remus later tried to recall any details about Christmas day he got a headache. He couldn't remember what he and his mother had joked about before she told him to set the table. He couldn't remember what his father said when he arrived a little late. He couldn't remember the title of the book he was reading when his mom called them finally to dinner. 

What he could remember was the stunned expression on his father's face when his heart stopped beating. The drops of sweat on his brow. The dark circles around his eyes when they lost their focus. And the scream. He remembered his mother's scream. The next hours flew by in a blur. How they flooed to St. Mungo's, the lifeless body between them. How the short obese Healer told them that his father had died of a heart attack and that they couldn't do anything for him. How his mother asked "A heart attack?" over and over again, incomprehension on every inch of her face. How he spent the night holding his mother in a long, violently lucid hall. How her body was shaking.

They returned home early in the morning, both mentally and physically exhausted. Mechanically, Remus undressed and lay down on his bed. His father was dead. The tall, grim looking man, whose brown eyes he had. His father was dead. The man, who had fought against dark creatures for over 25 years, who defied Fenrir Greyback and paid for it with his son's transformation into a werewolf. His father was dead. The last of the Lupins because Remus wasn't allowed to father children. Remus thought that he should be crying but he didn't feel like it. Was he a horrible son? There was an emptiness in his stomach and a lump in his throat but no urge to cry.

Remus spent two or three hours trying to sleep until the sun went up. His eyes were now painfully dry and it hurt to blink. He got up, dressed in Muggle clothes and went down into the kitchen. His mother was already there. She was sitting very still, a mug of cold coffee in her hands.

"Mom?"

She blinked disorientated. "Remus." Only one word. He went to her and grabbed her hands. They were cold.

"Why didn't you say something? I – I haven't slept…I couldn't. Mom?"

"I had to think some things over. Remus, dear, sit down." Her voice grew firmer. "Your father doesn't have any other relatives. As a matter of fact, both of your grandparents are dead. That leaves my sister, your aunt Clarissa, who doesn't come over very often because she is afraid of you. -- Shhhhhhh, I know that isn't your fault! My uncle Jasper is old and a little weird but will be coming to the funeral. Peter and Meredith, too. Your dad's colleagues might be attending as well. I don't know. I haven't told anyone, yet." She fell silent.

Remus didn't know what to say. Of course, they had to make plans for the funeral but planning it made it real. HIS FATHER WAS DEAD! He suddenly felt sick.

"I'm sorry – bathroom!" he managed to say before he ran up the stairs. He just got there in time and vomited into the toilet. He hadn't eaten anything for hours so it was mostly bile acid.

"Remus?" The bathroom door opened with a small creak. Cold fingers stroked his hair out of his face. "Remus, I don't have to ask if you're alright. We both know we aren't and we won't be for a very long time. Your fath – your dad loved you very much, you know that, don't you?"

He nodded weakly.

"You're one of the bravest people I know, Remus. Please, we must weather this together. I -- I need you!" pleaded his mother, close to tears again. Remus felt the lump in his throat again but nodded.

"Just give me a minute, ok?" he asked.

"I'm waiting in the kitchen. We need to have breakfast. It's going to be a long day." She removed her fingers from his forehead and stood up slowly as if it was a very exhausting thing to do. Remus leaned against the wall, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He tried to gather all his strength. His mother needed him. After a couple of minutes he brushed his teeth and went downstairs.

* * *

Two days went by, filled with phone calls, owls, condolences, arrangements and all the time Remus felt numb. This morning he had received an owl from Sirius, who had thanked him for his Christmas present. None of his friends knew. Remus just didn't know what to write. How did you inform your friends of your father's death? He didn't want to spoil the holidays for them, he told himself. Besides, what could they do? He helped his mother, talked to his great-uncle and his parents' friends. He didn't sleep well and _when_ he fell asleep he had nightmares. 

It was one o'clock in the morning when he woke up from a very violent dream. He almost felt blood on his tongue. The metallic flavour didn't go away so he decided to go down and drink some water. He should write to his friends, he thought on his way down. He saw James' and Peter's face in front of them, smiling awkwardly, telling him everything would be ok. They wouldn't understand. They had fortunately never lost someone. And then Sirius appeared before his inner eye. Sirius had lost his family! Well, sort of. He felt a little better after he made the decision to write to him in the morning. Remus was filling a glass of water when he heard the soft POP of someone Apparating into the kitchen. He nearly dropped the glass.

"Moony!" he heard a familiar voice. He almost shook with relief. Sirius! Remus turned slowly and faced his friend. Sirius wore pyjama trousers and one of his worn-out night shirts. He didn't wear shoes.

"Padfoot, you scared me to death. What are you doing here? It's the middle of the n-" said he but was interrupted by Sirius whispering harshly "When did you plan to tell us?" That shut Remus up.

* * *

Sirius had been talking to James till late that night and only wanted a glass of water before going to bed when he heard voices in the living room. Mrs Potter had said "Poor Remus! You're sure about this, Harry?" and James' father had answered "Yes, I'm afraid Marcus Lupin died of a heart attack on Christmas day. The owl says the funeral is on the 30th of December. We should tell the boys in the morning." That had been all Sirius needed to know. Without further thinking he Apparated into the Lupins' house. 

And there stood Remus, looking thinner and more tired than usual, holding a glass of water. Sirius called out "Moony" and saw relief flicker in Remus' eyes. But then he hissed "Padfoot, you scared me to death. What are you doing here?" and Sirius felt angry. He interrupted his friend's nervous nagging and asked more harshly then intended "When did you plan to tell us?"

Remus stood there, silenced and very forlorn. Sirius felt his anger melt away. This was Moony, who had just lost his dad and had probably not wanted to interrupt his friends' holidays or something equally ridiculous. Sirius crossed the distance between them and asked tentatively "Moony?", whereupon Remus looked up at him with so sad a glance that Sirius cringed inwardly.

Sirius cursed himself for coming there unprepared and without James, who would probably know what to do or say. Well, on second thought probably not but his presence would have helped anyway. Sirius took the glass out of Remus' hand and put in on the table. His friend stood there unmoved, still staring at Sirius.

"Moony, let's go to your room, shall we? It's late and it's cold and – fuck, Moony, say something…anything!"

"Sirius" was the whispered answer. "How…how did you--?"

"…know? I overheard Prongs' parents talking about it. They must have got an owl. James' father is in the Wizengamot, remember?"

Remus nodded.

"Your room?" asked Sirius.

"Er, yes, my room…Well, follow me."

Sirius had been at Remus' home before but had never left the kitchen. They had always come solely to fetch Remus. It was dark but Sirius could see that they weren't as well-off as his or James' parents. Not at all. The staircase creaked as they went up silently, Sirius following Remus anxiously. He had never been in Remus' room. It was small and cramped with book-shelves and it smelled of chocolate and parchment. An untidy bed stood right under a curtain-less window.

Remus went over and sat onto his bed. Sirius closed the door cautiously and leaned against it.

"So…?" he asked, not willing to let Remus slip back into inanimateness.

His friend was staring down at his hands in his lap and Sirius started to think that it was a hopeless business at this point in time when Remus said "I didn't know what to write. How do you write about something like that?".

"I…I don't know, Moony. A simple _floo in, I need you _would have sufficed. You know us, we're spontaneous as hell and quick as house-elves when it comes to being at your service" answered Sirius.

Fuck, Remus was sooo damn complex at times. He strode over to him on impulse and sat down beside him, placing an arm around Remus' sunk-down shoulders. It was enough to break his defences. Remus' body was shaking violently and Sirius somehow managed to grab Remus' wand from his bedstand and cast a Silencing Charm over the room before Remus clung to him as if his life depended on it. Merlin, Sirius thought, Remus never lost his composure. As a matter of fact, he had cried once when they had told him they knew about him being a werewolf and couldn't care less. But apart from that Remus was always all manners and kindness and reserve. Sirius felt the urge to protect him and hold the crying boy tight, burying his face into his friend's mussy hair.

"I'm here…sssshhhh, you know, we – Prongs, Peter and I, we're always there for you" he whispered, not sure whether Remus understood him over his sobs. It felt good to be doing something, even if it was just sitting there and holding Remus. A surge of affection swashed over Sirius Black. Remus was so scrawny that one could easily forget the hidden strength, the mysterious werewolf powers, everything that Remus was and wasn't at the same time. They sat there for a very long time. Sirius' left arm was becoming cramped but he still didn't let go and went on whispering comforting words, the fingers of his right hand entwined in Remus' hair. After what felt like hours, the boy in his arms relaxed and his sobs died away. Remus was finally finding rest and Sirius loosened his embrace. He breathed a soft kiss on Remus' forehead and leaned back against the wall, holding his friend and watching over his sleep.

* * *

Sunrise was only a matter of time when Remus stirred. Half asleep he nestled against the warm comforting shoulders. As understanding dawned he scared up. 

"Have you been sitting there the whole time?" he asked incredulously. Grey eyes looked down at him.

"Yep" was the short answer.

"Awake?"

"Well, yes," replied Sirius.

"But Siriu-"

"Yeah, shut it, Moony. You needed rest. You looked like one of those zombies I once saw in a Muggle film" Sirius interrupted him, stifling a yawn. "Feeling better now?"

"Yes, but –"

"No buts, Moony. You've only been asleep for about four hours or so. I've been spending more nights awake during the full moon, remember? I won't drop dead due to lack of slee--, fuck, sorry Moony, I wasn't thinking."

Remus couldn't help smiling. "It's alright, Padfoot. I…I mean, it's not but it's not your fault." He sighed. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"For not owling you earlier."

Sirius snorted. "You're not apologising for that! You could have owled straight away and maybe you should have…but it's ok. It's your grief for crying out loud."

"Pads, aren't they going to miss you? The Potters, I mean. What were you thinking by Disapparating in the middle of the night?"

"I was thinking of you, Moony."

Remus blushed slightly.

"Well, you know me", Sirius went on laughing, "I'm not big at thinking before acting. I…I just thought you needed a friend."

"I did." Remus nodded. "I _do_!" said he, smiling broader. The future didn't seem quite as bleak as a few hours ago. "It's just so…so unfair" he sighed after a few seconds.

Sirius put Remus face between his hands, forcing him to look into his grey eyes. They were filled with sorrow and apprehension. "Moony" he said gently, "losing a parent isn't a piece of cake. I know that. My father isn't dead but he could very well be. I probably won't ever talk to him again. Maybe I won't see him again. Is it fair that he is such a straight-laced pure-blood arse? Hell, no! Shit happens!" Sirius paused.

"I'm not good at analysing feelings. Most of the time I just, …well feel. And most of the time _you_ think about feeling. Moony, for once in your life, just feel! Feel the pain and the anger and the frustration. It'll make you feel better, promised. " And with that he mussed up Remus hair affectionately.

Remus tried. He tried not to think about his mother or their probable financial problems, now that his father was dead. He tried not to worry that Sirius left the Potters' mansion without leaving a note or about how James and Peter would react when they got to know. He tried not to think about the funeral and tried even harder not to wonder about his father's last words. It was easier to breathe now that the lump in his throat was gone. The horrible emptiness was still there but he also felt grateful for Sirius' presence. He breathed out and let the anger take over. His father had died just like that. Such a stupid, futile death! So utterly non-heroic. So unfair! He let the grief take over and felt tears stinging in his eyes again. This time he didn't feel inhibited or awkward and just let them flow. He leaned forward and wept silently into Sirius' shirt once more and allowed the other boy to see his grief and comfort him.

* * *

It was 6.30 in the morning when Sirius Apparated back to the Potters. He had promised Remus to return with James later. Remus took off the Silencing Charm, once more grateful for his friend's instinctive cleverness, then slouched into the bathroom and gasped when he looked into the mirror. He really looked like a zombie! After he had taken a shower and shaven, he went down into the kitchen and for the first time since his father had dropped onto the floor, he was actually hungry. Chewing on a piece of toast a couple of minutes later, he felt human again. 

After finishing breakfast he went over to the Christmas tree and looked down on his friends' presents, lying there forgotten for three days. He hadn't unwrapped them. Remus always left their presents for the night, always since first year when Sirius had given him a Witches Undressed calendar. He stared at them for several minutes before he kneeled down and started to unwrap Peter's present. It turned out to be an extra large box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. James' was next. It was a set of very fine quills and a variety of inks ranging from invisible to everlasting purple. Remus shook his head. As usual, James had spent too much money on his present. He didn't know why he always left Sirius' last. This time it was some sort of album stamped in blue velvet. Remus held his breath when he opened it. It was plastered with Wizarding photos of the Marauders from first year till sixth year. In one of them their smiling faces were black and their brows singed behind the remains of an exploded cauldron, in another Peter tried evidently not to breathe because James had put a dungbomb in his bed, in a third one Sirius chased him around a tree for jinxing his hair green. He turned the page. He saw James and Sirius zooming over the lake on their brooms, Peter sitting on the loo, trying to hide, Sirius at his bedside in the Hospital Wing, making funny faces to cheer him up. Remus felt a new surge of tears but this time they were _happy_ tears. He was sitting there under the Christmas tree leafing through the album, weeping and smiling simultaneously until he heard his mother's steps on the stairs.

_...to be continued _

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Like it? Don't like it? Please take one minute and review! 

Teaser: more action and a little bit of angst in chapter four


	4. unpleasant encounters

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her diverse publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **_Now_ I know that Narcissa Black is older than the Marauders but this chapter was written weeks before JKR's Black Family Tree was auctioned. I really did not want to remove her from the story. However, many thanks to my reviewers! You're the best!

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_chapter four: unpleasant encounters_

On the third day of the new year they were back on the Hogwarts Express, heading towards the only place that meant safety and peace for Remus. Looking out of the window he recalled the funeral. His mother had grown older overnight and had been standing like a stolid pillar at his father's grave until the rain had soaked her through and through. Mr Potter had finally persuaded her to leave. The Potters had also managed to make her see the necessity to let Remus spend the last day of 1977 and the two remaining days before their return to school at the Potters' mansion. She had given in a little too fast but Remus was too busy with his own grief to ponder. James and Sirius had excelled in creating mischief and havoc to cheer him up, though most of the time it merely distracted him, which was just as well.

"Moony?" interrupted James' voice Remus' train of thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"Padfoot and I are going to…well, the Slytherin's compartment. Wanna come?"

"No, I just stay here. Why aren't you taking Pete?"

Sirius rolled his eyes indignantly. "Remember the last time we took him? The Invisibility Cloak wasn't made for stumbling duffers! He is with Matthews anyway."

"Oh…right." Remus hadn't noticed Peter's absence.

"Well, are you alright on your own?" asked James tentatively.

"Yes, mom!"

James grinned and made a defensive gesture. "Okay, okay, just asking!"

"Moony, we're back in a jiffy. Just brood less and read more," smiled Sirius but frowned almost imperceptibly.

"Yeah, just go, will you?"

Remus breathed deeply when his friends had closed the compartment door behind them. He liked having company and was grateful for everything they did for him but right now, he needed some time alone. Moreover, the full moon was coming up and he felt tired most of the time anyway. He changed slowly into his school robes and continued watching the landscape fly by. He must have fallen asleep because he was startled and somewhat disorientated when the compartment door slid open. It was Peter.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, yes…I don't know. I might have fallen asleep but it's okay, really Wormtail!"

"Okay." Peter sat down beside the door. "Prongs and Padfoot?"

"Still on a raid."

"D'you fancy a game of Exploding Snap?"

Remus just wanted to answer in the negative when a head of greasy black hair appeared in the door.

"Well, well, what have we here? Two of the Musketeers…and I dare say the incompetent half." It wasn't Severus Snape who had spoken but Evan Rosier, another Slytherin, who had just appeared beside the greasy-haired sullen boy.

"…said Laurel and Hardy," countered Remus.

"Who?" asked Rosier, confused.

But Snape retorted quickly. "You'd better keep your mouth shut, Lupin. Nobody's interested in your _Muggle_ knowledge," he scoffed.

"At least _you_ know what I'm talking about Snape…"

"Stop bickering!" a female voice demanded. Narcissa Black had obviously decided to join her companions' conversation, which was rather unusual. Contrary to her older sister Bellatrix, who had already left school, the blonde fifth year wasn't a bully. "We're here for a reason, Lupin." Cold blue eyes pierced into his.

"We've heard of your _loss_ and wanted to give you our condolences. Though you must agree that it isn't a great one."

Remus felt his cheeks grow hot. "You don't know anything about my father, Black," he said coldly. "I wouldn't have thought that you'd sink so low to come here and gloat."

"I don't know anything?" Narcissa let out a nasty laugh. "He was stupid enough to defy…but you know whom I mean, don't you?" Her smile could have broken ice. It made Remus shiver and a stone-cold fist of fear clenched his heart. Did she know or was she bluffing? She couldn't know! Snape looked slightly bewildered, so maybe she was just…

"Sod off!" It was the first thing Peter said but he had his wand at the ready. Remus felt a wave of gratitude.

"You don't want to play with us, Pettigrew. You're no match for us," snarled Snape, drawing his wand as well. "But you can run for your chivalrous frie-"

He didn't get the chance to finish his sentence. His eyes grew large and it seemed as if they popped out of his head any second. He let go of his wand and put both of his hand on his mouth, obviously fighting the urge to vomit. His companions looked alarmed and checked the corridor hectically. Snape's face was turning a shade of green when he finally threw up a huge and slimy slug, which landed on the floor with a soft _thud_.

"Potter and Black!" shrieked Narcissa. "Where are they?"

"I don't see them!"

Narcissa seized her ears who had started to twitch and wobble uncontrollably. Rosier was pointing his wand at Peter while simultaneously trying to defend the corridor. Snape threw up another slug and made desperate gestures to Rosier. Narcissa was still holding her ears and stared menacingly at Remus, who tried to stifle a laugh. Peter was already turning red from the effort.

"You'll regret that, Lupin!" hissed Narcissa, who realised their defeat.

"Don't blame me. Do you see_ me _holding a wand?" Remus managed to say with a straight face and a look of innocence perfected by six years covering up for Sirius and James.

"Hnghmpf," uttered Snape before another slug slid out of his mouth. _Thud_.

Narcissa's eyes shot icy daggers in Remus' direction before she turned on her heels and --found herself face to face with Sirius, or rather would have been if he hadn't towered over her. Remus admired his friends' timing. He would have believed Sirius had appeared out of thin air, if he hadn't known what to look for. For a split second he had seen the air behind Sirius blur and he knew James was there, hiding under his Invisibility Cloak.

"Wrong compartment, _dear_ _cousin_" said Sirius dangerously calm, contempt dripping from every syllable of the last two words, "the audition for the freak show is down the aisle." Sirius' eyes were as cold as Narcissa's. "Where are your other cronies? Showing off their spare limbs? Inbreeding has such nasty side effects…"

* * *

James and he had just successfully jinxed the Slytherin school robes. On their way back, Sirius heard Snape's voice. Merlin, he hated Snape with a passion! And now this slimy git and the little ice princess dared gloating over Moony's misery! Oh, they would pay! He had drawn his wand instantly and was ready to throw off the Invisibility Cloak and attack when James held him back. James, who was disturbingly more and more often the voice of reason. 

"Sirius, I'm Head Boy. I can't go there and jinx them for no apparent reason and you shouldn't do that either, after last -" he whispered.

"Great, am I talking to Evans or Potter now?" Sirius interrupted furiously.

"AND that's why we need a plan!" James went on. "Let's use nonverbal spells and hex them from under the Cloak. They'll piss themselves." he finished, grinning diabolically.

* * *

"Blood traitor," spit Narcissa, still clutching her ears but biting back anything else she would have liked to say. Snape, who couldn't say anything thanks to James's brilliant use of the slug-vomiting charm, stared at him with an expression of pure hate. Rosier pushed Snape aside who slipped on a slug and collided with Narcissa and she had to cling to the compartment door and Rosier's robe to keep herself from falling. Peter was standing in the door and aimed at Rosier. Meanwhile Snape tried to get up and prevent himself from vomiting another slug at the same time. 

"Snivellus, save some for the slug club. Slughorn will be delighted," grinned Sirius smugly. He was enjoying himself immensely and pointed his wand with an elegant movement at Snape's chest.

"Sirius, don't!" said Remus sharply. He was standing behind Peter, looking no longer amused but rather alarmed.

Sirius sobered up immediately. Remus was the only one who could stop him. After the incident in the Shrieking Shack even more so, since Sirius had promised him to leave Snape alone. But there he was, threatening Remus, and still his friend wanted him to keep his promise. Damn his goodness!

"I think you were leaving, weren't you?" Sirius asked with suppressed anger and disappointment.

His cousin pushed him aside and rushed down the corridor, while Rosier grabbed Snape and his wand and helped him to stand upright. Snape's wand and robes were covered in slime and they departed slower than they would have liked with Snape vomiting slugs every now and then. A smile slid over Sirius' face. This wasn't ideal but not too bad, taking into account the little surprise that was awaiting this foul piece of dung back in his compartment. Moreover, even if Rosier managed to take off the spell, some effects wouldn't wear off for another hour or so.

Remus moved his wand and said "_Scourgify_!", which made the slugs and the slime disappear at once.

"That was brilliant!" exclaimed Peter. "Did you see Snape's face? I swear it turned greener with every slug. Where's Prongs?" Peter's robes were being thrown over his head as though by ghost hand. "Ha ha, very funny," came Peter's muffled voice from under his robes.

They went into the compartment, where James finally took off the Cloak. Sirius sprawled into a seat opposite from Remus, waiting for his reaction. Remus looked paler and more tired than usually before the full moon but suddenly his face lit up with a broad smile that was outshone only by his twinkling golden eyes. For a second, Sirius found himself unable to breathe and then he felt himself mirror that smile. A moment later all four of them were roaring with laughter.

"Wha – what are they going to find in their compartment?" asked Remus breathlessly after he had finally got a grip on himself.

"Nothing," said James with feigned indignation, "I'm Head Boy! Why would I hex random students?" He run a hand through his hair and made it even more untidy.

Remus raised an eyebrow and looked alternately from James to Sirius. Sirius grinned. Only Remus could display this look of disapproval and suppressed glee.

"Oh, come on guys, what did you do?" asked Peter expectantly.

"When they're going to change into school robes, said robes will shrink" said James eventually.

"Additionally, they'll turn pink." added Sirius. Peter snickered but Sirius was watching the boy opposite him. Remus' mouth twitched, which was the only warning before he cracked up. "Pink?" he managed to ask, folded between his seat and the floor.

"Pink" confirmed James and Sirius simultaneously, laughing gleefully.

* * *

It had started to snow. They approached the horseless carriages, which, as a matter of fact, had only been horseless to Peter for over three years. Remus had a closer look at the impatiently stomping thestrals. They were beautiful and incredibly scary. Just like life, he thought. It was somehow surreal that it was the very last time he left Hogsmeade station as a student returning to school. They got into a carriage and Remus found himself across from Sirius again. Merlin, that boy was even worse than James! His constant attention was going to drive him mad. Remus expected another joke every second now and was utterly perplexed when Sirius asked "Moony, what was Narcissa playing at?" 

"I – I don't know?" he tried weakly.

"Your ass, you don't."

Remus felt himself the centre of attention as all of his friends watched him intently. He was emotionally too exhausted to feel embarrassed. Remus didn't have many secrets left. At least James, Peter and Sirius knew almost all of them. But how on earth could they expect him to tell _them_ about Fenrir Greyback? He had never given them much information about the night that had changed his life irrevocably. They didn't know that it had been a warning to his father in the first place and they didn't know that he frequently relived this night in his nightmares, either. His friends undoubtedly thought it had been an accident and he wanted to leave it at that. Remus really didn't _want_ to tell them. A stubborn part of him found this information too personal while the voice of reason was telling him that his friends witnessed his transformations every month and what could be more personal than that? But did Narcissa Black really know? Her family – Sirius' family, he added silently – was deep into dark magic and they did not hesitate to surround themselves with dark creatures, if necessary. Now that Voldemort was gaining power it was possible that Narcissa had overheard a conversation she wasn't supposed to hear. His mind raced fervently while he was being only too aware of the tense silence in the carriage.

"It might have something to do with my father's work." he finally said.

"And?" asked James.

"I don't know, ok? I have no idea what she was playing at."

"Liar" said Sirius hoarsely.

Remus felt his temper rise. "What do _you_ know about it? She's your _cousin_."

"What's that supposed to mean?" barked Sirius and Remus knew he was nothing but short of exploding, which was exactly what he had wanted. If Sirius was mad at him he wouldn't ask questions Remus didn't like to answer.

"Padfoot, calm down, will you? We're almost there. Let's talk about it after dinner" said James casually, though his eyes spoke a different language. Y_ou owe me_, they said but Remus didn't care. Time was all he wanted. Time to make up a another lie.

* * *

They didn't talk about it after the feast. In fact, they were keeping a sullen silence after Peter had left his friends and gone off with his girlfriend, beaming. James had lost his good mood when it became obvious that Lily was slighting him for jinxing Snape. She came up to Remus however and left him with comforting words and his promise to study together on the following day. James was even grumpier after that. Remus on the other hand was seriously tired of Sirius's glowering and James' pouting and he was on the verge of giving in and telling them whatever they wanted to hear when a sharp "Potter! Black! Lupin!" broke the silence and the three boys jerked to a halt. Remus cringed inwardly. 

Professor McGonagall approached them with quick and determined steps. "I just heard about the _incident_ on the Hogwarts Express from Professor Slughorn. Care to fill me in?" She looked resentfully at James. "Mr. Potter? As Head Boy _you_ should answer this question."

James however had skipped his sulkiness and looked quite at ease. "Professor, no need to get worked up about a story the Slytherins cooked up" he said cockily. "Maybe _you_'d like to fill _us_ in on the charges" he added, smiling innocently.

"Potter, don't try that smile. It has worn off by extensive use." snapped McGonagall. But Remus could see that it was still working on her.

"The charges?" asked Sirius as casually as James had been.

"The charges, Mr Black? You are supposed to have hexed Severus Snape and Narcissa Black in front of your compartment. You're also supposed to have jinxed six school robes, all belonging to Slytherins and among them said Severus Snape's. Do you see a pattern here, Mr Black?" she asked exasperatedly.

"Yeah, I do. Snape isn't very popular," grinned Sirius. "The thing is, we were not even near the Slytherin compartment and I found Black, Snape and Rosier in front of ours, with drawn wands and offending Remus here." He pointed at Remus, who knew that it was his turn to play the game.

"Mr. Lupin?"

"It's true. I was alone with Peter when they turned up and…and started gloating over my father's…" he had managed a blank face so far but found himself unable to say it, say that his father was dead. McGonagall's stern gaze softened.

"Mr Lupin, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you however testify that neither Mr Black nor Mr Potter used any kind of magic on Snape and Black?" she said kindly.

"Yes. James wasn't even there and Sirius joined us later."

"Well, who was it then? They certainly didn't hex themselves?"

"I have no idea, Professor" said Remus and looked straight into her eyes. After six years, lying for his friends had become a habit. He felt guilty. He felt guilty every time but after all they had done for him…

"Very well," said McGonagall with a tone that indicated the opposite, "What about the school robes?"

"What about them?" asked James.

"Potter!"

"Is there_ any _proof that we have _anything_ to do with it? The Slytherins are always quick at blaming us but honestly, Professor, their charming personalities secure them a large group of enemies" said Sirius and Remus was involuntarily awed by his audacity.

"Black, you ought to get detention," McGonagall said firmly, "but you're right, there isn't any proof." The boys started grinning. "However," their Head of House interrupted their triumph, "you should try to act your age. You might have noticed that there is a war going on and it's not the time to make random enemies. Have I made myself clear?"

The three of them answered in the affirmative.

"Good. Mr Potter, the headmaster wishes to speak to you in his office tomorrow morning before classes. So what are you waiting for? Off to bed!" she said, resign clearly audible.

* * *

When Sirius went to bed that night he was still riled at Remus' behaviour. Why didn't he trust them for once? He was always ridiculously secretive about everything remotely personal. He hadn't even owled them when his father died, for Merlin's sake! A small and sardonic voice told him that Remus didn't have much reason to trust him with more secrets he could betray but Sirius named this voice "the voice of reason" and when did he ever listen to that? Sirius shifted into a more comfortable position. It was the principle that riled him. Little Cissy had a potential means to blackmail a Marauder and said Marauder didn't trust his fellow Marauders enough to tell them. He needed to talk to him. Right! Why wait? 

Sirius jumped out off his bed and strolled over to Remus'. He stopped dead in the middle of the room when he heard familiar noises coming from his friend's bed, noises he had obviously blended out before. Well, boys will be boys, he thought grinning and was already retreating to his own bed when he realised that these noises were not sounds of pleasure and their familiarity had completely different but monthly reoccurring origins. He tiptoed to Remus' four-poster bed and drew away the curtains.

Remus was obviously having a nightmare. A bad one. He was sweating and kicking his blanket. "No, no, nooo," he mumbled horrified, "don-, no….not him…no!" His face was distorted with fear and repulsion. Small wonder he looked like shit recently. Sirius stepped closer and eased himself onto the bed. Should he wake him? Probably, but this wasn't the time to attack Remus for being himself. Sirius sighed. How did Remus do that? One minute he was mad like hell at him and next he was worried and felt protective. James and he used to share a bed with Remus when he was having nightmares but this had stopped after the Shrieking Shack incident. Remus had made clear that he rather slept amongst dragons than share a bed with traitor and when they later reconciled, Sirius couldn't pluck up the courage to test his friend's forgiveness. Christmas had been different. He looked over to James' bed but James was sound asleep. Head Boy duties and too much strawberry tart were taking their toll. Peter's curtains were drawn but since he was snoring loudly as usual, Sirius knew he was asleep as well. Damn, what time was it anyway?

"Noooo, I…please, don't…no, not…" Remus was still moaning in unknown agony.

Whatever. Sirius shrugged, reached out and grasped Remus' skinny shoulder. "Moony," he whispered urgently, "Moooooony!"

He didn't see it coming. Remus' hands seized his throat and he was thrown onto the bed. "Moony! Fuck, wake up!" hissed Sirius stertorously, fighting for breath. Remus' grip was firm. Damn werewolf strength. Sirius's hands tried desperately to remove his friend's. Air was becoming an issue. Sirius gasped and gasped again "MOONY!" and, thank Merlin, the hands were removed from his throat. He took a deep breath.

"S-Sirius?" asked Remus, voice thin with sleep and surprise.

"Are you mad?" raged Sirius. "You almost strangled me!"

Moonlight fell on Remus' face and Sirius could see the colour drain from it.

"What the hell is going on?" asked James hoarsely.

"Nothing, mate," said Sirius quickly, "I was having a bloody nightmare."

"Riiiaanngh, keep it down then" yawned James and a muffled thud indicated that he had gone back to sleep.

They sat in silence until Sirius couldn't take it anymore. "Are you alright?"

No answer. "Moony, alright?"

"Just peachy. My dad's died, my mom won't be able to keep the house, your cousin knows God knows what about me, James is mad at me because Lily's still my study buddy and I just found out that I also try to kill my best friends outside the full moon," hissed Remus in a rush and a voice full of hardly suppressed anger and frustration, "What could possibly be wrong?"

"No need to get shirty, Moony, you're just as mad as ever, no difference there." grinned Sirius, trying to lift Remus' spirits.

"Fuck off, Padfoot! What are you doing in my bed anyway?"

Sirius smiled his most mischievous and endearing smile. "What d'yeh think?"

"Bugger," said Remus but a smile crept over his face. Sirius silently congratulated himself when Remus relaxed and crawled back to the top of the bed. He dropped beside Sirius.

"So, why are you really here?" he said with his usual politeness.

"Seriously?" grinned Sirius, for which he received a smack on the head.

"I thought it would be a good idea to talk things over." he said after a little pause.

"Now?" Remus raised an eyebrow, something he always did when Sirius was doing something utterly preposterous.

"Well, you know me," Sirius shrugged, "I'm better at thinking during the night."

"And they call _me_ a freak" scoffed Remus, leaning back.

"You know better" grinned Sirius smugly. He felt better now, lying beside Remus, joking with him. He really hated fighting with Moony. It was more fun with James because James would shout and he would shout back and then everything was sorted out. Remus just stopped talking and usually disappeared into the library. They fell silent and Sirius tried to make out his friend's face but it was covered in shadows.

"I…I _can't_ tell you. Not because I don't trust you, Padfoot, but because I just _can't_. I don't know what exactly your cousin knows or if she was just bluffing….but…but I can't talk about it." Remus said slowly and very quietly.

Sirius understood. There were stories of his childhood he would never tell, either. He just wished that…he didn't really know what he wished for. Maybe just a happy life for Remus. Still, there was something he needed to know.

"What was your nightmare about?" he asked bluntly and received a deep sigh.

"It was no-"

"Damn, Remus, don't you dare say 'nothing'!" Sirius growled. Silence.

"I was the wolf…but I could watch myself strolling through Hogwarts…as if I was detached from my body. I…I entered the castle and went to the Great Hall. Everyone was shrieking…and…and panicking and running and there was blood….lots of blood." Remus gulped. "And there was you and you tried to keep me away from James and Lily and….and…I…," his voice trailed off.

Sirius fumbled for his friend's hand, grabbed it firmly and said "You attacked me?" He rather sensed Remus nod than saw it. "Merlin's beard, Remus, you've done that before…in your _dreams_! The full moon is coming up and you're stressed out. We fought before we went to bed and you were having a _nightmare_. No. Big. Deal!"

"But I attacked you for real," whispered Remus.

"You were asleep. Besides, it takes more to get rid of a Black!"

"You may have a point" sighed Remus, but Sirius knew that he would not stop blaming himself for quite some time. What was the point of having a conscience if all it ever did was torment you?

"We should go back to sleep," said Sirius after a while.

"N-yeah, we should."

"So? Skid over" grinned Sirius.

"I won't have another nightmare. You can go back to your own bed. I'm fine." Remus didn't sound too reassuring.

"Nah, I'm too lazy. Besides, it's just like back in the old days, innit?" And suddenly Sirius realised what he had just asked for and how much his happiness depended on the answer. He cursed himself. He was still craving absolution, a return to _before-I-went-berserk-and-sold-you-out-to-Snape._

"Well, if you insist," Remus said in a low and shaky voice. And Sirius could breathe again.

"I do. Night Moonykins!"

"Night Padfoot."

And when Sirius drowsed off, he knew he was forgiven.

…_to be continued_

_

* * *

_I hope you liked it. Please review anyway!

Yeah, I know, still no groping and kissing but the next chapter will meet your requirements. At least to a certain extent, har har.


	5. bamboozling moon

**Disclaimer:** And still, I do not own Harry Potter because the Harry Potter universe was created by JKR and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Finally, promiscuity!** Many thanks and enthusiastic hugs to my reviewers!**

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* * *

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_chapter five: bamboozling moon_

Sirius didn't want to get up when he woke the next morning. Remus was snuggled up against his right arm, which felt right and comfortable. So Sirius kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the warmth emanated by the werewolf beside him. When his brain started to work, he realised that feeling like this in the given situation was a little weird and his usual morning erection made him feel something that came as close to embarrassment as Sirius Black was capable of feeling. He opened his eyes immediately and checked on the boy next to him. Remus was still asleep. He looked peaceful and relaxed, though terribly fragile. Sirius wondered if he had ever seen Remus as unconstrained as now. The possibility to catch Remus off guard made him smile but he confined himself to pulling his arm carefully away, getting up and going to the bathroom. None of the others was awake yet.

"Morning," yawned the mirror and started to hum his usual morning jingle while Sirius was brushing his teeth. Sirius liked this time of the day. He had always been a morning person and enjoyed the silence before the others got up. But he would rather have hexed his balls off than admit this to anyone. Speaking of which, he really needed a new snogging partner. He scanned through a few potential victims in his mind before the thought of Magenta Malloy let a predatory grin flash over his face. And he needed to plan how best to take a little revenge on Snape.

When he got back the other Marauders were up as well.

"Padfoot, do us a favour and get dressed," said Peter dryly.

"Envy talking?" smiled Sirius, who was well aware of his good looks and well-toned body and Peter's lack thereof. A thrown pillow was answer enough.

"It's a miracle that this pillow just missed your enormous ego," scoffed Remus but his warm smile made Sirius a little dizzy. He REALLY needed a girl.

* * *

"Eat some eggs, Moony," said James thoughtfully. It was a full moon that night and the Marauders knew that Remus needed protein. 

"Prongs, stop acting like my mom," replied Remus. He didn't feel like eating. He had slept surprisingly well but his body was responding to the moon, although she would not be up for hours.

"Lo, there is the master of seduction!" Peter grinned and pointed to Sirius, who had got himself in detention for telling their Defense teacher that a Black could not be bothered to write an essay about Legilimency, but had to hand in two scrolls of parchment this morning anyway. Remus watched amusedly as Sirius passed casually by the Ravenclaw table and leaned forward to whisper something into Magenta Malloy's ear. Even from this distance, he could see her blush. Sirius smiled cockily and strolled over to his friends.

"Another one bites the dust, eh?" asked James, grinning.

"Shut it," grinned Sirius back. "What time is it anyway?"

"Why?" asked Peter, knowing exactly that Sirius never wanted to know the time except for _timing_.

"Patience," was all Sirius said.

Remus frowned. What had he done now?

"Stop that Moony. It makes you look like the spoilsport that you are." commented Sirius.

Remus just wanted to reply something witty when a thundering voice hollered "HELP! THIS ABNORMALLY LARGE NOSE MOLESTS ME! GET HIM OFF ME! HARASSMENT!"

All eyes were on the Slytherin table where Severus Snape fought with his copy of the _Daily Prophet_, which had wrapped itself around his head and was screaming blue murder. Instantly, the Great Hall erupted into roaring laughter. Remus eyed Sirius carefully. The tall black-haired boy was laughing hard but so were James and Peter. Had they known? Well, it was somewhat funny but why always Snape? Meanwhile Evan Rosier and Regulus Black, Sirius' younger brother, tried to disentangle Snape and the newspaper.

"Black!" Lily Evans had left her seat and loomed large over the four Marauders.

"Evans?" laughed Sirius.

"You did this!" she hissed.

"I did what?" Sirius asked innocently.

"Snape. Daily Prophet. Humiliation. Does that ring a bell?" she replied dryly.

"Bloody hilarious but I just arrived myself. Wasn't me, Evans." Sirius ran a hand through his silky hair, which fell back perfectly. If Remus had not known what a talented actor Sirius was, he could have fooled him. There was not even the slightest trace of guilt in his handsome face.

"James, you are Head Boy, Remus you're a Prefect. Can't you try to civilise him?" Lily asked exasperatedly.

"I'm still here, Evans, I can hear yooouuu," howled Sirius, grinning his trademark grin of madness.

"15 points from Gryffindor, Black!"

"Lily," James had stopped staring at the redhead and stood up for his best friend, "you can't just blame him for nothing!"

Lily looked furious "NOTHING? He just humiliated Snape in front of the entire school, that's hardly _nothing_! And you should stop coming to Black's defence whenever he feels like breaking the rules. You're Head Boy, for heaven's sake!"

"I know who I am," stated James, looking upset. "I just don't go around and accuse my friends of something they didn't do!"

Lily stared at James for another thirty seconds before she turned to face Sirius once more.

"You heard me, 15 points!" and with that she rushed over to the staff table in order to talk to McGonagall.

"Damn, Sirius, what was that all about?" asked James, cleaning his glasses and obviously annoyed.

"Prongs, thanks for covering up but stop acting like a girl." Sirius was just as annoyed as James and Remus knew he should interfere before things got ugly. He was just too exhausted and his joints were aching.

"Guys!" he said silently and was surprised to be heard by the two of them because they stopped bickering and looked at him. "Just stop, okay?" Both of them frowned anxiously.

"Are you al-" started James.

"No, no, I'm not. It would be great if you two could just keep it quiet" snapped Remus. All three of his friends looked at him as if he had grown a second head but his little outburst had the desired effect. And ten minutes later they were talking and laughing about Snape's funny face.

* * *

Remus' condition deteriorated over the day. He shivered uncontrollably, so that his friends took him to the hospital wing by five o'clock. Remus asked James to make excuses for him because he could not join Lily in the library. 

An hour before sunset, Madame Pomfrey accompanied him to the Whomping Willow. His friends would be joining him soon, a comforting knowledge that helped him to fight off the panic. He was afraid of the transformation every single time. The pain was unbearable and the loss of control almost killed him. Alone in the Shack, he stripped off his clothes and hung them neatly over a chair. Remus liked manners and orderliness. He needed them.

He heard footsteps and voices and sighed in relief. His friends were coming to join him. He never took them for granted. A second later, the door burst open and Peter, Sirius and James blustered in. Their cheeks were rosy from the cold and they brought normality and life with them. In times like these, Remus felt older than them, although he was the youngest of the group. James took his clothes from the chair and left the room they were in to carry them into the bedroom. Remus felt cold sweat break out and his body trembling. Only half an hour left.

"Moony, how much time left? Are we supposed to transform already?" Peter looked anxious, always being the most fearful one. Remus was not sure whether he had ever overcome his initial shock. But he tried and he was always there.

"N-no, not y-yet." Remus had lost control over his voice as well. He felt the pain building up in his spine. His back was burning.

Sirius had not said anything since he had entered the room and Remus wondered what ailed him this time. Maybe Magenta Malloy had turned him down, but he knew that this was absurd. Nobody said _no_ to Sirius Black. All of a sudden, he was very aware of his nakedness.

"Maybe y-you should….go next-door and…."

"Moony, don't be ridiculous," said Sirius roughly, pacing up and down. The door opened and James came back in.

"Everything ready?" he asked.

"Yep, I checked the map." said Peter. They were more careful after a few close calls but none of the Marauders thought about staying in the shack after the transformation.

Remus lost track of the conversation. His friends always tried to lighten the mood but when the wolf inside him took over his vision blurred and he got lost in a world of pain. When he looked up, he saw Wormtail and Prongs standing nearby. Only Sirius was still in his human form. Damn, what was he waiting for? Remus could not feel angry, his human emotions were fading away into the background. He let out a scream of agony when his joints cracked under the pressure of the wolf within.

* * *

Sirius could not understand the pain Remus was in and he asked himself every single time how he could have been so naïve in the beginning. He had seen Remus' battered body in the Hospital Wing. He had heard his screams from afar. But he had not realised what the transformations meant for Remus until he had witnessed one. It felt like a century ago. James had vomited the first time and Peter had almost fainted but he had just stood there, feeling his heart being ripped apart. 

The morning dawned and he had thoroughly enjoyed the night. They had been running through the Forbidden Forest and roaming Hogsmeade. The night had been cold and the wolf almost easy to handle. As a dog in his pack, Sirius felt free.

Now the three animagi were standing in the Shrieking Shack, looking down at the flayed body of their friend on the bed. Remus was unconscious, his body bruised and cut and he had a deep slash on his chest. He was extremely pale from blood loss. Sirius found it hard to breathe, his chest was so tight.

"Padfoot, Madam Pomfrey will be here any minute. We have to go. We can't do more for him, we can't!" James voice was urgent but sympathetic. Sirius looked up and their eyes met. He nodded. The three of them squashed under James' Invisibility Cloak and left the Shack in silence.

After two hours sleep, Sirius, James and Peter went down for breakfast. As usual shortly after a full moon, there was no joking, only tired silence. They would be laughing and teasing each other later, when they visited Remus in the infirmary, but they needed time to blend out the horrors of the morning transformation. Sirius saw Lily Evans' apprehensive gaze lingering on James more than once but shrugged it off. His lovesick best friend and the redhead could make up later.

* * *

After a difficult Charms lesson they were on their way to the Hospital Wing. Sirius had urged his friends on, he was never someone to wait patiently for anything. They reached their destination and Peter opened the door without knocking. There was Remus, now bandaged and smiling but not alone. Evans! What the hell was she doing there? Sirius did not like her intruding on their private business. James stopped dead beside him and Sirius knew he was fighting down his jealousy and looking for something funny to say. 

"Hey," said Remus, smiling weakly. He was almost as pale as the linen.

Sirius forced himself to smile back. "Heya, Moony, what did you do now? You're such a klutz!"

"No need to cook up a story, Pads, she figured it out."

"WHAT?" asked James and Sirius incredulously. Peter just whimpered.

"Well, he's my friend, too, isn't he?" asked Lily bashfully.

"No!" Sirius was furious. How _dared_ she? Well, no, she would not dare betray Remus, would she? "And you better keep your mouth shut, Evans, or else…" He smiled a cold, malicious smile.

"Lily, you won't tell anyone, will you?" asked James anxiously, hardly recovered.

"Of course not! What do you take me for?" she replied indignantly. "Remus, are you alright? I'd like to talk to James in private." she went on.

"Why shouldn't he be alright? He isn't dependent on _you_. We're here!" scoffed Sirius acidly.

"Sirius, please!" said Remus but Sirius was not paying attention.

"Honestly, Remus, sometimes I ask myself why you put up with him," said Lily irately.

Sirius just wanted to snap back when Remus said quietly but determinedly "Because he's my best friend. Prongs, Lily, it's better you'll have your talk now. Please?"

Sirius and Lily were still shooting daggers at each other, though Sirius felt a bamboozling warmth at Remus' words.

"Sirius?" asked James urgently, several more questions floating in the air. Sirius turned his eyes away from Lily and caught Remus'. He was obviously exhausted and stressed out and Sirius felt immediately ashamed. It was bound to happen and Sirius knew firsthand how worried Remus was that anyone found out. Especially after last year. Bugger.

"Good…excellent, I'm coming with you…well, not really, just leaving with you…I'll be back later, Moony, ok?" said Peter, smiling uncertainly. Peter did not like arguments because he never knew which side to take.

The others left and Sirius sat down on a chair next to Remus' bed.

"I've brought you chocolate," he said, searching his robes.

"Thanks, but it's not necessary." answered Remus with a strained smile.

"It bloody well is! You're craving chocolate every ti-"

"Not the chocolate. This little scene just now, Padfoot." interrupted the werewolf.

"Oh" said Sirius, feeling even more guilty.

"Yes, _oh_! I take it, you didn't think before you opened this stupid mouth of yours."

"No, not really. It's just…damn, how did she find out?"

"It's not important, she just did. And she's ok with it. I mean, really. She didn't flinch once," said Remus in a strained casual voice, although his eyes mirrored his many conflicting emotions. Sometimes Sirius wondered whether there was a special bond between them because they both assumed the shape of allied animals.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Moony. Again." He found Remus' eyes and used his hurt-puppy-look, which made Remus smile immediately.

"Look, Padfoot, Lily isn't an intruder…"

"I know, she's becoming part of our pack."

"Our _what_?" Remus raised his right eyebrow amusedly.

"Our pack."

"Yeah, I was afraid, I got it right the first time," grinned Remus but grimaced in pain at once.

"Moony!" Sirius leaned over and grabbed Remus' arm.

"I'm fine. It's just this slash on my chest." Remus' golden eyes locked with Sirius'. "Sirius, I don't have many friends. Please, don't drive away the few, who accept my lycanthropy."

It was a simple plea and Remus looked so worried and sad and caring at the same time that Sirius' heart jumped.

"I won't. I'm sorry."

Remus smiled happily and his entire face lit up. Sirius smiled back, still holding Remus' arm. There was an odd tension between them, though he could not grasp what it was.

* * *

Two days later, Sirius found himself in a broom closet with Magenta Malloy. Her lips were soft and sweet and she smelt of strawberries. They had already discarded their robes and their kisses and touches grew more passionate. She removed her lips and smiled wickedly up to him. 

"Up to a little fun, Black?" she asked, trailing the index finger of her left hand over his belly.

"Does Dumbledore like socks?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Yes!" grinned Sirius. He felt her kissing his collarbones, his stomach and then she moved even further down. Her mouth was hot and wet. She was a little too rough, but Sirius did not care. Enjoying the waves of pleasure, he ignored the broomstick poking into his shoulder, leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Magenta's mouth became more fervent, more intense and Sirius let out a groan. He looked down at Magenta, who lifted her big blue eyes, and he felt his loins tense. But for a split second he imagined her eyes to be golden and her hair to be light brown. He came hard.

On his way back to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius shrugged acknowledgement of the fact that his friends were indeed his family but that he might be interested in Remus Lupin in a completely different way.

_...to be continued_

_

* * *

Spoiler: _Acrucial kiss is already waiting for you in the next chapter. But it's somewhat shy and needs some reviews to come out of the closet, nehehehehe.


	6. the birthday party

**Disclaimer:** Nope, I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **That's my favourite chapter so far. I really hope you like it! Many cookies and enormous hugs for my beta reader! Oh, and there are some OC.

* * *

_chapter six: the birthday party_

The match Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw was fierce and demanding, for both houses had excellent teams. A strong wind had been blowing for days and it was one of these stone-cold and rough vernal days. Consequently, the crowd on the stands had rosy cheeks and a hard time holding on to their banners and flags. After an outstanding performance from Gryffindor Chasers Black and Potter and a stunning loop by their Seeker Hunt, Gryffindor won 260 to 120. Ravenclaw was understandably devastated but Gryffindor was celebrating their team effusively. Sirius and James had been in top form and their Ravenclaw counterparts had been no match for them. They were congratulated by each and everyone of their house and Sirius grinned broadly at a group of giggling fifth year Gryffindor girls, who were the leaders of his fan club.

"Hard decision, mate?" smirked James and ran his hand through his sweaty hair. Peter was standing beside him, apparently worshipping the very ground on which he walked. Lily and Remus stood slightly apart from the cheering crowd, talking about Arithmancy or Charms or something equally irrelevant.

"Nah, I know exactly what I want" grinned Sirius but his eyes were not on any of the girls but on the broad back of the Ravenclaw Keeper. Ever since he had found out about his new and rather unusual interest in Remus, he had been looking for an opportunity to check out his feelings without actually confronting his friend. Friends were definitely out of the question when it came to sexual experiments.

* * *

They stumbled out of the empty classroom into the dark and deserted corridor. Their hair was dishevelled, their lips slightly bruised and their robes in disorder. Chuckling, they tried to adjust their attire when the corridor resounded with a very familiar voice shouting "BLACK!" 

Sirius turned around to face the approaching Head Girl. It was not exactly an unusual occurrence for him to be caught stumbling out of a broom closet or a classroom after curfew, but this time was different and doubtlessly going to be fun. Sirius grinned in anticipation. Lily had reached them now and held up her radiating wand, blinding Sirius temporarily.

"Black, I should have known. What is it with you? You must have dragged every girl above third year into one room or another," exclaimed Lily exasperatedly. "That's five points ea- O'Grady? _Matthew_ O'Grady?" she asked incredulously.

The boy standing behind Sirius nodded. He was a broad-shouldered redhead with a handsome face and deep blue eyes. His usually wan face was now rivalling the colour of his hair.

Lily stared at the two boys, obviously at a loss for words. After a couple of seconds she recovered enough to ask "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Evans, you've caught me often enough, haven't you? What do you _think_ we were doing in there?" smirked Sirius. This was bloody brilliant.

"But…but he and you…he's a guy!" exclaimed Lily, dumbfounded.

"Yeah, last time I checked, he was," chuckled Sirius, turning his head and scanning O'Grady from tip to toe.

"Black, please don't make it worse than it already is," said O'Grady, who had retrieved his voice. He was looking extremely uncomfortable and turned even redder. Ravenclaws, no sense of humour!

"You…he…but you like girls!" Lily looked at him as if he had grown a second head.

"Yep, I do. And I dare say, they like me back!" replied Sirius cockily.

"So….why?" asked Lily, stepping a little closer.

"Evans, you've known me for seven years. You really ought to know that you can't put a label on me!" Sirius feigned indignation. Lily and he stared at each other for what seemed like hours. He could see her stern look crumble. Her mouth was twitching.

"Well, th-that's still five p-"her restrain broke and she burst out laughing. It was a deep and genuine laughter and very contagious, so that Sirius joined her, laughing his bark of a laughter.

"You're mad. Completely mad." said O'Grady, shaking his head and looking at them in utter disbelief. When they did not stop but laughed only harder, he stomped away into the darkness of the corridor.

The Head Girl and the Marauder were shaken with another fit whenever they looked at each other until they were too exhausted to go on, both sitting on the floor, holding their bellies.

"Black?" Lily finally managed to say.

"It's Sirius, actually," answered Sirius warmly, still breathless.

"Oh…ok, Sirius, well…you know, I shouldn't even be surprised." said Lily.

Sirius raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Snogging a boy, well, it's rebellious, it's a forbidden flavour and it's soooo _you._" she grinned.

Sirius struggled to his feet and tried a mock bow. "Why, thank you. If you put it like that, you really shouldn't have been surprised," grinned Sirius back. He walked over to her and offered her a hand. "You know Lily, you're alright."

She looked up at him, apparently pleased. "That's still five points from Gryffindor." she smiled.

"I don't give a damn. It was worth it. Hell, your face was worth it!" Sirius let out another bark of laughter. "Let's get back to Gryffindor Tower," he added, pulling her to her feet.

They walked together in comfortable silence and Sirius thought that Remus had been right about Lily Evans all along.

* * *

When they climbed through the portrait hole, Lily asked "Do your friends know?", and Sirius just wanted to answer in the negative, when a voice asked "Know what?". Sirius groaned inwardly. 

"Oi, Prongs, what are you still doing down here?" said Sirius. He and Lily approached the armchairs on which James and Peter were sitting, playing wizard's chess. James had his _cave man in need to protect his female- _look and Sirius grinned and put an arm around Lily's shoulders.

James sat upright and said with a strained smile "It's not _that_ late, Padfoot, Remus is still patrolling the first floor and I was waiting for Lily." His eyes softened when he said her name. Merlin, Sirius never wanted to be in love. Lily pulled away from Sirius and walked over to James. She sat down on the armrest and leaned in for a soft kiss.

"Thanks for waiting, but as you see, I'm fine," she purred. Sirius was impressed by her skills to play James and suppressed a knowing smile.

"So, now that Padfoot has had his daily snogfest, can we plan Moony's party?" asked Peter, stifling a yawn. He had Sirius' full attention, at least for a couple of minutes.

"His _birthday_ party? We wanted to plan it today? Why didn't you say so earlier?" he asked indignantly.

"Because Moony was with us all the time, smart ass, and it's still a week till the 10th of March" answered James, looking more at ease, now that he had his arm around Lily.

Sirius strode over to his favourite couch and sprawled onto it. "Shoot," he said with a lazy nod of his head.

Peter took out a piece of parchment and a quill from behind his back and after looking around once more, said "So, what do we need?"

"Unholy amount of chocolate cake!" said Sirius and James together, grinning at each other.

"Indecent supply of Butterbeer and Gillywater," added Sirius.

"Unholy….cake…indece…Gilly…."mumbled Peter while he was writing it down.

"And we need Filibuster Fireworks that turn into chocolate mice…and those with the dragon breath, they were wicked!" Sirius's eyes gleamed with anticipation.

"Erm, you are aware that a) Remus doesn't like parties and b) these fireworks are illegal," said Lily hesitantly. The three boys stared at her open-mouthed. "Never mind," she added.

"Yeah, well…we also need the usual stuff from the kitchens. Wormtail, do you organise food and drinks?" asked James.

"Yep, and Sirius, can you inform the girls? No party without girls, eh?" smirked Peter.

Sirius grinned and nodded and almost missed Lily's frown. James did not either.

"C'mon Lily, Remus could do with a little fun. We all do. N.E.W.T.s are driving everyone round the bend!" he pouted.

Before Lily or Sirius could say anything the portrait of the Fat Lady swung open and Peter hectically hid the parchment and the quill, leaving a trace of ink on the chessboard. He was right on time because Remus and a fellow prefect arrived seconds later. Remus smiled at his friends but did not join them directly. He was still speaking with the girl at his side, laughing at a joke she made. Gryffindor sixth year, Seeker of the Quidditch team and unobtrusively pretty, Susan Hunt was certainly a role-model prefect _and_ a nice girl. Sirius had always liked her. Heck, he used to date her. But right at this moment, he could not really stand her. Not wanting to scrutinize his feelings any further he decided to call it a night and go to sleep.

* * *

Remus' seventeenth birthday promised to be a brilliant day. While the days before had been rainy, the sun rose golden and undisturbed by clouds on Remus' special day. He was still dowsing snuggled up against his pillow when the curtains of his bed were ripped open by James and Sirius. The sun shone mercilessly through the gap and fell directly on his face. Remus grimaced and tried to hide under his pillow. 

"Well, Mr Prongs, Mr Moony appears to misunderstand the purpose of being woken up early on his birthday."

"Indeed, Mr Padfoot, Mr Moony is quite mistaken if he thinks that he can seek refuge under a cosy pillow."

Remus blinked, desperately trying to wake up quicker, for he had good reason to believe that his friends would do something drastic very soon. He was right, of course. Unfortunately, he was always right.

"Oomph," was all he could say when the two boys jumped onto him.

"Mr Padfoot likes to inquire after Mr Moony's disposition," chuckled Sirius.

"Gerrofmphe"

"Mr Prongs is afraid he did not quite understand Mr Moony's humble request."

Remus decided to use his elbows and knees and managed to say more clearly "Get. Off. Me."

Sirius massaged his chin and James held his stomach, but they were still too cheerful. James started tickling him seconds later and Sirius ruffled his hair, squealing in a very bad imitation of a girl's voice "Get up, birthday boy!". Remus was out of breath when he finally managed to prevail against his two way too effusive friends.

"Oi, presents, Moony," yelled Peter, who just returned from the bathroom, excitedly.

"Yeah, right," said Remus, trying to hide his nervousness by straightening his pyjama. He was outgrowing it fast, he noticed grimly. Remus always tried not to get too excited about presents. Not that his friends had ever forgotten his birthday or Christmas or any other holiday that required gifts. He just did not want them to spend too much money on presents for him, when he could most often not afford something equal in value. There was a little heap of wrapped gifts in front of his bed. He recognised his mother's wrapping paper. It was always green. But there was only one present from his friends. It was wrapped in charmed wrapping paper. There were little self-drawn dogs and stags chasing minuscule rats around trees, pillars and rocks.

"Wormtail has drawn it," explained James. Remus nodded and reached out for his gift. He would have rather opened it last, as he usually did, but his friends were evidently impatient for his reaction. Remus unwrapped it carefully.

It was a sturdy looking brown leather case. Remus held his breath. His own trunk was second-hand and a little battered already but his friends had never got him anything that big.

"Look at the right corner!" suggested Sirius excitedly.

The words _Professor R. J. Lupin_ were stamped there in elegant golden letters. Remus raised an eyebrow and looked inquiringly up at his friends.

"Open the bloody case," said James impatiently.

He did. It was filled with chocolate. There were Chocolate Frogs, Thelma's Excellent Cream Nougat, Mr. Munch's Delicious Dark Dreams, Seven Layers Chocolate Globes and many more a delectability. He felt a lump in his throat.

"You've been providing us with chocolate and lectures for almost seven years now, it was time for the title," grinned Sirius smugly.

Remus was overwhelmed and had to swallow hard before he managed to say "Thanks, guys, but this is too much! It must have cost you a fortune and we never give each other so expensive presents and you cannot afford it and –"

"Breathe, Remus. We won't take it back, it's yours. You're of age now, remember? Just smile and eat a Chocolate Globe, they're wicked!" interrupted James, frowning slightly.

"I told you he'd go on a rampage, Padfoot." said Peter. Sirius waved his left hand dismissively and lowered himself to the ground next to Remus.

"Do you like it, Moony?" he asked.

"Yes, it's great, but-" answered Remus.

"No _buts_, Moony. N.E.W.T.s are coming up and we remembered the heaps of chocolate you devoured before our OWLs. So please try to be happy without thinking about _owing_ us anything. It's your fucking seventeenth birthday!" said Sirius sharply.

Remus felt sorry for spoiling the surprise and just wanted to reply something witty to lighten the mood when a muffled thump on the window across from Peter's bed distracted their attention.

There was a raven sitting on the window sill. Remus instantly looked at Sirius, who turned as pale as Nearly Headless Nick. His friend stood up abruptly and crossed the room in harsh and resolute measures. A cool breeze entered the dorm when Sirius let the bird in. It had a letter attached to his leg and after Sirius had freed the raven of his burden, the bird took off immediately, without waiting for a reward. Sirius stared at the letter, face expressionless, but Remus saw his shoulders tense. Only the Black family used ravens instead of owls to deliver their post. There had not been any ravens since Sirius had left his family for good.

"What's it, mate? What do they want this time?" asked James, closing in on Sirius and putting a hand on his shoulder. Sirius shrugged it off.

"I don't know and I don't care. I won't open it." He looked up and turned to face Remus. "It's Moony's birthday and I won't let that hag get me down today," he said, throwing the letter onto his bed. Sirius intense grey eyes did not leave Remus', who could almost taste the tension between them. He felt colour rise into his cheeks. He was not exactly attracted to Sirius, _of course not_, although he had discovered that the wolf made no difference between males and females. But he could not deny that there was _something_ between them and it was _mutual_ and that it was building up fast.

"Let's get breakfast. I'm starving," said Peter, trying to break the silence. James looked relieved, although Remus was sure he blamed the letter for the tension between them.

"Yeah, I'll go to the bathroom. See you later then," said Remus. He decided not to think too much about Sirius. It was his seventeenth birthday and he was dead sure that his friends had planned a party. Contrary to popular belief, Remus did not dislike parties in general. He just did not like being the centre of attention. Determined to enjoy the day, he went to the bathroom to take a shower. But when the hot water sprayed onto his skin he could not thrust aside the memory of grey eyes staring at him.

* * *

Lessons flew by and the party was about to begin faster than Remus had suspected. Of course, he did not know about the party. He hid a smile whenever Sirius and James were caught in silent communication. Remus was a little worried about what they had been planning but he was going to survive whatever it was and he was glad that Sirius was too preoccupied with plotting to think about his letter. 

Remus was on his ways to the library after lunch when Peter got hold of him, out of breath and sweaty.

"R-Remus, I was….I was looking f-for……for you," he wheezed, grabbing Remus' robes and dragging him back to, what Remus assumed, Gryffindor Tower. But they took a turn at the marble staircase and went into a corridor on the fourth floor, in which Remus had hardly ever been.

"Pete, where are we going?" asked Remus bemusedly. Peter just grinned and dragged him further along.

Minutes later they arrived at a solid looking wall. There were no portraits or draperies but Peter seemed to know exactly what he was doing. He stepped closer to the wall, drew his wand and said "_Revelio_!", whereupon a silvery line in the shape of a door appeared on the wall. Peter tapped his wand at the point where a doorknob should have been and muttered "Salazar Slytherin loved the Giant Squid". The silvery line turned fiery red and a real door appeared seconds later. Peter opened it and shoved Remus in.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REMUS!" Remus stood in a rather large room, decorated in Gryffindor colours. He could not make out whether the furniture matched the ceiling and walls because the room was crowded with people. Lots of people, who were holding glasses and bottles and were beaming at him in anticipation. He forced a smile, well aware that his face was extremely red.

"Erm, thank you?" he managed to say, still overwhelmed by the crowd and the noise. And then Sirius came towards him, wrapping his arm around Remus' shoulders and leading him towards the loud and joyous people, a friendly gesture that made Remus breathe a sigh of relief. He was now able to recognize faces. Most of the assembled students were Gryffindors but there were also some Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, though mostly of the female persuasion. Sirius pushed them through the crowd and forced a bottle of Butterbeer into Remus sweaty hands.

"Relax, Moony!" he smiled encouragingly.

"Where are we?" asked Remus.

"Head Room. Bloody nice isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Remus, raising his voice to be heard in the crowd, that had resumed their talks and laughter. He had a firm grip on the bottle because it felt good to hold on to something. Sirius frowned at him.

"Moony, trust me, you're going to enjoy yourself. Ah, there is Johnston with the music, about time!" he said, waving to a lean sixth year Gryffindor.

Remus took a large gulp of Butterbeer and manoeuvred himself to James and Lily. They smiled at him and Lily offered him a large plate with chocolate cake. Remus shook his head but returned the smile. "Where is Pete?" he asked James.

"Little Petie was in a hurry to get back to Karen," grinned James and pointed his head into a corner, where Peter and Karen were closely twined, kissing passionately. "But you just missed the best rumour. Melinda Jorkins was here five minutes ago, remember her sister Bertha?" Remus nodded. "Well, she's just as nosy as her big sister and she told me the most hilarious story. Sirius is supposed to have snogged the Ravenclaw Keeper, can you believe that?" James was laughing but Remus noticed that Lily frowned and blushed a little.

"What's so funny?" boomed Sirius voice from close behind Remus. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You are supposed to have snogged O'Grady," repeated James, grinning.

"Well, yeah, I have," said Sirius casually and Remus felt the blood rush into his cheeks. _Sirius_ had kissed _a boy_? James' eyes were about to pop out of his head.

"You what?"

"I snogged him. Evans caught me. Should have seen her face. Looked just like yours," smirked Sirius.

"Why the bloody hell would you do that?" asked James incredulously.

"I was curious," shrugged Sirius, taking a mouthful from his glass of Firewhiskey.

"Are you serious?" asked James.

"Yeah, I think we figured that out in first year. Prongs, mate, don't be a git. It's not like we're dating or anything. I just made out with him once. No big deal." Sirius's face did not portray any emotions but he was not as cool as he pretended to be. His hand grasped Remus' shoulder rather painfully but Remus still managed a supportive smile. James stared at Sirius, obviously at a loss for words, before he finally burst out laughing and snorted "That's sooooo _Sirius_!" Sirius grinned and Lily looked relieved and joined her boyfriend's laughter.

"That's what I said, too." she managed to say.

"Wait, you _knew_?" asked James breathlessly, as if he just realised what Sirius had said before.

"I let you lovebirds sort it out," snickered Sirius but Remus could see that his elation did not reach his eyes. He did not know whether it had to do with the kissing or his letter. Remus was not sure how he felt about Sirius' confession. So Sirius _was_ interested in boys. And there was an odd tension between them. Oh Merlin!

He took another gulp of Butterbeer and swallowed hard when he noticed that Sirius was staring at him. He pointed his head into a corner and Remus nodded, suddenly aware of music being played and people dancing. They pushed their way through the crowd again and Remus noticed the feline grace with which Sirius did everything, despite the fact that his Animagus form was a dog. Reaching a golden and red striped curtain, Sirius came to a halt and looked at Remus intensely.

"You're ok with this, Remus?" asked Sirius so quietly that Remus hardly managed to understand him. "You're not out of your wits like Prongs?"

"Nope, I'm fine with it. He is right though, it's a very Sirius thing to do." Remus had spoken with a steady voice and a straight face. Sirius smiled, obviously relieved, and Remus could not help thinking that his smile was rather beautiful. WHAT? Shock pulsed through Remus and it took an enormous effort not to show it. Thank Merlin they were interrupted by Susan Hunt.

"Hey, birthday boy," she smiled, "come over to your other guests for a while. You can hang around with Black every day." Remus smiled apologetically at Sirius, but the other boy just shook his head dismissively.

An hour later, Remus found himself having a good time. He had eaten too many pieces of excellent chocolate cake and talked to a dozen people, he rarely knew. But it was fun. James and Lily were dancing to THE WANDS and Peter was feeding Karen with something that might have been cake before he smeared it everywhere on her face and the plate. Sirius was dancing closely with a pretty dark haired Hufflepuff, a friend of Karen, and had one hand on her arse. Remus shook his head. He really did not get Sirius. Not at all.

_Tempus fugit_ when you're having fun, he thought hours later. There had been fireworks, which almost set one of the couches on fire, but he had collected some chocolate mice, which made up for the shock. He had been thinking about his father once or twice, although mostly because nothing was different. After all, he had not celebrated his birthday with his parents for seven years. Remus noticed that he was a little tipsy himself when he had managed to take Peter's shoes off and put his very drunk friend into his bed. James was already sleeping soundly, mumbling Lily's name now and then. It was about half past three in the morning and he was about to undress when his view fell on Sirius' bed. It was untouched and the letter was gone. Remus sighed and turned to the door. He knew that the letter had been bugging Sirius all day. Well, his birthday was over now and he could go looking for his friend.

* * *

Remus found Sirius in the Common Room. He was sitting on his favourite couch, staring enigmatically into the expiring flames in the fireplace. It almost felt like a _déjà vu_, except this time Sirius did not hold a glass of Firewhiskey but the infamous letter in his elegant hands. Remus approached him tentatively. 

"Sirius?"

Sirius did not seem surprised and turned his gaze slowly from the fire to Remus.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping? Transfiguration first thing in the morning."

"You're not asleep either," replied Remus calmly, slipping onto the same couch as Sirius.

"What's it about?" he asked after a few seconds. Sirius did not answer and just resumed staring into the fireplace.

"Sirius?"

"He's dead," whispered Sirius eventually.

"Who?"

"My uncle Alphard died. I wrote about him in my letters, remember? He was an eccentric old codger but he was always nice to me, something that made him fucking unique in my family."

Long shadows were cast over Sirius' face and his eyes seemed hollow. Remus noticed that this was the first time Sirius mentioned his letters. Merlin, another loss for the boy next to him and Remus had never really been good at comforting others. He had needed Sirius to cope with his own grief for a start.

"Wh-what did he die of?"

"Old age, I suppose. Mother does not go into detail. She just wrote me because he left me some money. The old hag would have liked to keep it from me but I'm of age." Sirius let out a hollow laugh.

"Pads, I'm sorry. I-I don't know what to say," Remus said helplessly. He remembered that a hug had helped him but was not sure whether he could do it. Being close to Sirius was disturbing lately. He skidded closer nonetheless and put a hand on his friend's arm, which at least caused Sirius to look at him. He was pale and there was something desperate and haggard in his look, that Remus did not like at all.

And suddenly the mood shifted and there was this odd tension again. Remus was only too aware of his hand on Sirius' arm and Sirius' fathomless eyes on him and Sirius' sensuous lips only inches away. The little voice in his head remarked sardonically that drooling over Sirius despite his habit to kiss and run did not seem so ridiculous now. Sirius licked his lips, something completely trivial, but somehow it caused something to click in Remus' head and before he knew what happened to him, he was leaning forward and pressing his lips onto Sirius'. The little voice in his head was screaming blue murder but it was really nothing compared to the sensations that raced through Remus' body.

Absolutely _nothing_ had prepared him for this kiss. Sirius' lips were as soft as any girls' but after the initial shock at Remus' unexpected attack, he kissed him back rougher and more passionate than anything Remus had ever experienced. This kiss took his breath away and sent bolts of lightning through his body. It wasn't shy or awkward because Sirius knew exactly what to do. There was something desperate in this kiss and he felt Sirius' tongue demanding access and his hand on the back of his head, sending shivers through him and drawing him closer and entwining his fingers in Remus' hair. Remus could not think, could not breathe and could certainly not listen to his bloody voice of reason, which was screaming at the top of its lungs.

* * *

Sirius on the other hand could not believe it. Remus, shy and reserved Remus Lupin, was kissing him! Being a boy who always acted on impulse, he did not question his luck. For weeks he had been fantasising about this, had been wanking off to Remus, trying to convince himself that he would get over this phase without doing something utterly stupid. He had been anxious of Remus' reaction earlier that evening, when James had blabbed out the latest gossip about his sexual adventures. But then there was this letter, telling him coldly about the decease of his favourite uncle and leaving him sleepless and desperate at 2 o'clock in the morning, and he had forgotten about his worries until Remus came down, sitting next to him, shirt loosely buttoned and cheeks rosy from alcohol. 

Kissing Remus was better than kissing O'Grady or any girl he knew. Kissing Remus was _so much _better. He tasted of Butterbeer and chocolate cake and Remus. And Merlin, he was good at it. You're either born a good kisser or not, Sirius knew from experience that you could not teach a squib how to fly. It was heat and _dizziness_ and need. Sirius drew the other boy closer and deepened the kiss, his anchor to sanity and safety and warmth and friendship and… Sirius pulled away abruptly, looking at Remus in utter disbelief and complete shock. Remus, obviously misunderstanding his look and turned a deep shade of red, looking horribly embarrassed.

"I-I…" Remus looked more and more horrified but Sirius found himself unable to speak. Before he recovered his voice, Remus had rushed out of the Common Room and left an unsettled and very perplexed Sirius Black behind.

_...to be continued_

* * *

Well? Like it, don't like it? Please review! 

Many, many thanks to my reviewers and particularly to my anonymous reviewers, whom I couldn't answer directly.

See, no spoilers for the next chapter, Black's Crystal! ;)


	7. sympathy for the devil

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. Neither do I own anything remotely related to the song _Sympathy for the devil. _No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **The title refers to the well-known Rolling Stones song, the lyrics are from said song, although I was inspired by the Guns 'n' Roses version, which I deem better. But that's personal preference. ;) Reviews are always appreciated, folks!

* * *

_chapter seven: sympathy for the devil_

_So if you meet me  
Have some courtesy  
Have some sympathy, and some taste  
Use all your well-learned politesse  
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah_

_Pleased to meet you  
Hope you guess my name  
But what's puzzling you  
Is the nature of my game_

Over the next weeks Sirius discovered that avoiding Remus was even easier than expected. His friend was doing Prefects duties, studying for N.E.W.T.s and tutoring several fifth years. When he was not sleeping he was in the library. Sirius, of course, knew the signs. It was Remus' way of coping with their kiss. Sirius himself did not know whether he was relieved or disappointed by Remus' behaviour. Forgetting about _it_ was out of the question.

How could he forget such a kiss? He got a hard-on whenever he thought about it and even after weeks had passed without renewed contact, he could remember exactly how Remus' lips had felt and how he had tasted. But that was the problem, wasn't it? Kissing someone, _anyone_, had never had such an effect on Sirius and he was not ready for this. Not in the least.

"Padfoot, are you with us?" James frowned. Of course, James had noticed that there was something wrong with him, though he did certainly not guess the reason. Remus and Sirius were both excellent actors and behaved accordingly when someone else was around.

"Sure, mate, just bored," said Sirius, looking up and discovering that the object of his reluctant desires had joined them.

They were sitting under their favourite tree and it was one of those sticky days in early summer. N.E.W.T.s were only a week away and even Sirius and James had started studying. Peter was more than panicky lately, eyes red and swollen from excessive reading. The smallest Marauder was tearing out his hair strand by strand over the Draught of Living Death formula. James and Sirius were busy memorising History of Magic dates, which was far from easy on a sweltering day like that. The fourth Marauder had been in the library, before he joined the party.

Remus settled down to work on his Astronomy Charts beside Peter. He had nodded a hello to the three of them but avoided Sirius' eyes. Since the kiss he had always been on guard, something which drove Sirius gradually mad. It was as if he had lost Remus' trust over night. Sirius knew this polite but distanced look and it had always been reserved for strangers, not for any of them. But he had learned to read his friend. Remus looked tired and there was something melancholic about him. His hair was sticking to his forehead and he had developed this nervous habit of biting his lower lip. There were many little details he could not help noticing over the last weeks. Damn, he was doing it again! Staring at Remus would do neither of them any good. He snapped out of observation mode and tried to concentrate on James and House-elf enslavement laws.

But James did not go on questioning him about some preposterous law. The frown on his forehead was still there and his voice was sharp when he said "Okay, enough you two! What the fuck is going on? You have been doing this little show for weeks now. What _is_ your problem?"

Shit, thought Sirius, James was less distracted by Evans than he had thought. Sirius shot a look at Remus, who had put his book aside and feigned innocent surprise.

"What are you on about, James?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't give me that shit, Remus, what did _he _do now?" James pointed his hand to Sirius.

"Wait, why do you always think I did something wrong?" accused Sirius indignantly.

"Because it's usually dead-on," replied James dryly. "So what's going on?"

"Yeah, I noticed, too. You two don't hang around each other anymore," added Peter, red-eyed and slightly absent-minded.

It was the first time for what had felt like an eternity to Sirius that Remus looked him straight into the eye. For a split second he let his guard down and there was an ocean of sadness and pain, which made Sirius feel sick. Remus broke the contact and turned to James. "_Nothing_, really, I'm only stressed out because of N.E.W.T.s. I have to go now, I...I forgot about my meeting with Susan…see you guys later." Sirius cringed at the hundred hidden layers of Remus' "nothing".

"Remus!" James called after the fast disappearing figure. He sighed before he turned back to Sirius. Running a hand nervously through his untidy hair, he said adamantly "Padfoot, whatever you two are hiding, sort it out! You have to!" And Sirius nodded approval, knowing full well that his best friend was right.

* * *

Remus almost ran back to the library, his secure haven. He hated how things had turned out and now James had noticed. It was only a matter of time before he found out about _it_ unless Sirius and he sorted _it _out. But how could they? He had kissed his best friend in a tinge of madness. Never in a hundred lifetimes would he forget the look Sirius had given him after he had jerked away from him. Granted, the tension between them was still there and he felt Sirius' gaze on him more than often. But Remus just could not confront him, could not apologise for the best kiss of his life. What he really wanted was to kiss him again and, if he was honest, he wanted to do much more. But what could he expect of someone as flirtatious as Sirius, the most attractive and most wanted boy at Hogwarts? No, he must not think about Sirius, N.E.W.T.s were more important than a little fling and he had no doubt that it was exactly that: a fling. It had to be. Remus had enough trouble being a werewolf. 

He had reached the fourth floor without noticing it and therefore it was no surprise when he bumped into someone. Books, quills and parchment had been scattered on the ground. When Remus looked up to make out into whom he had rum, he let out a groan. Of all the people...

"Lupin," snarled Severus Snape, slowly getting back to his feet. His greasy black hair was hanging into his eyes and there were ink stains on his robes.

"I'm sorry, Snape," said Remus politely. "Let me clean that mess." He drew out his wand and called out "_Tergeo_!" The ink disappeared but Snape had drawn his wand as well and there was pure hatred in his eyes.

"Don't you ever point your wand at me again, Lupin," Snape hissed.

"I just wanted to help," replied Remus, stuffing his things back into his bag.

"Help? I don't need help from _dark creatures_."

Remus looked around hectically. Fortunately they were alone, so nobody had heard Snape's remark.

"Yes, you secret is still safe. Mind you, not for your sake, _werewolf_," spat Snape venomously.

"Will you shut up?" Remus raised his voice, feeling his temper rise. That stupid idiot. If someone came by and heard him, Remus would not be able to take his exams.

"Or what, Lupin, another joke of yours? The last one was funny enough, thank you very much."

"I had nothing to do with it and now you'll excuse me," let Remus out through gritted teeth. Sometimes he wished he was more like James and just gave in to the urge to hex that bloody git. Instead, he put his wand away and turned his back on Snape.

"_Levicorpus_!"

Remus felt himself lifted up into the air and the world turned upside down, before his robes tangled around his head, leaving him helpless. "So what now, Lupin? No Potter and Black to come to the rescue? Pity!" sneered Snape.

"_Liberacorpus_!" shouted a female voice and Remus saw a blur of red hair before he collided with the floor.

"Snape, 15 points from Slytherin! I understand you have a little vendetta with Potter and Black but hexing someone in the back is low!"

Snape looked furious but kept his mouth shut. Lily and Snape stared at each other for another few seconds before Snape turned on his heels and stormed away. Lily let out a sigh of relief and turned around to offer Remus a hand.

"Thanks, Lily," said Remus. "I was on my way to the library when I bumped into him."

"That's where I come from. I'm going to meet James." Lily blushed slightly.

"Don't tell him. He would be starting a campaign of revenge."

"I know," she said sadly. "I feel sorry for him, though. Snape, I mean. Call it sympathy for the devil. Well, see you later, Remus. Take care!" said Lily, smiling.

"I will," sighed Remus. Yeah right, remarked the little voice in his head.

* * *

Sirius was sprawled on his bed. The day before he had written his last N.E.W.T. in History of Magic, the most boring subject on earth. They would not be celebrating before the day after though, because Remus and Lily were still writing their Arithmancy N.E.W.T. James was waiting for Lily in front of the Great Hall and for all he knew Peter was shagging Karen. So there he was, alone and bored, doomed to _think_. 

To be honest, Sirius was sick of it. He was sick of beating about the bush, he was sick of making a fuss over a kiss and most of all he was sick of himself. Sirius missed spending time with Remus, his sardonic humour, being the cause of his rare fits of laughter and most of all, he missed talking to him. Fuck the rest! Remus had always been there and now that they were about to leave Hogwarts, Sirius discovered that he feared for their friendship. Remus would never talk about it, he was sure of that. With no library to run to, he would undoubtedly find other places to avoid Sirius, passively accepting the drift in their friendship until anything left was a memory of better days. Sirius knew it was up to him to fix it.

So what if he felt something for Remus? They had been friends for almost seven years, of course he felt _something_ for him. It wasn't the bloody end of the world and it did certainly not mean roses and love letters, matching robes and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. Well, maybe boxes of chocolate, since Remus had every reason to be mad at him. Yes, he would talk to him that evening. Now that he resolved to do it, he felt better than he had in weeks. He even felt like hexing a few Slytherins.

He must have fallen asleep because suddenly James was in the room, rummaging loudly in his trunk. Candles illuminated the room, throwing dancing shadows against the round walls of the dormitory.

"Prongs, what are you doing?" growled Sirius. James jumped and his head bumped against the lid of his trunk.

"Oi, Padfoot, I didn't know…I mean, _ouch_, what was that for?" James rubbed his head.

"Sorry, mate, how late is it?" asked Sirius, suddenly aware of the twilight outside the windows.

"You missed dinner, it's past eight."

"What?" cried Sirius, jumping out of his bed. He put his shoes on, hopping from one leg to the other.

"Well, yeah, we missed you but thought you were off snogging the flavour of the week."

"Sure thing," replied Sirius wryly, knowing full well that there hadn't been a flavour of the week for weeks. "Do you know where the map is? I need to find Moony."

James shot him a surprised glance. "On my bed."

Sirius gave him a grateful nod and grabbed the map. "Don't make things worse, Padfoot!" Sirius stopped shortly and nodded almost imperceptibly before he rushed out of Gryffindor Tower.

He unfolded the map while walking and after murmuring the right words, the map revealed its secrets. Sirius detected the little blotch named "Moony" on the way to the West Tower. He expected the Owlery to be deserted but cursed under his breath when he detected two other blotches, reading "Regulus Black" and "Severus Snape". Sirius fell into a run.

* * *

Remus walked through the deserted and only dimly illuminated corridors, feeling every day of his seventeen years. He wondered whether he could fall asleep right then and there. Unfortunately, he had promised to write a letter to his mother as soon as N.E.W.T. s were over. He worried about her. Her letters were short and formal and Remus thought that she took his father's death less well than she wanted everyone to believe. His hands were already on the banister of the staircase to the Owlery when he heard voices from above. He stopped dead because the fragments of sentences reverberating in the staircase were anything but small talk. 

"…lifelong commitment…too young…Reg…no turning ba…"

"…n't patronise me…my decis… honour…obligation…"

"…fool…get back!"

While being busy making out what the conversation was about, Remus had not noticed that the voices were coming closer and when he heard footsteps, it was too late to hide. Without warning, he found himself face to face with Sirius' brother. They resembled each other very much. Regulus had the same pitch-black hair and grey eyes, the same aristocratic nose, the same high cheekbones and sensuous lips. But unlike Sirius, Regulus was a true Black. He was sorted into Slytherin, dated only pure-bloods and had the right kind of friends. Remus would never have mistaken Regulus for Sirius. The younger boy lacked Sirius' _joie de vivre_ and mad humour, in fact, Remus had never seen so much as a grin on Regulus' face.

"Well, well, whom have we here?" sneered Snape, who had just appeared behind Regulus.

"Let him be, Severus, your last encounter with Lupin cost us 15 points." Regulus' voice was weary but his face blank.

"Last time we were interrupted. Besides, I was alone. I really want to test some of my new spells. Testing, that's what _animals_ are for, aren't they, Lupin?" Snape spoke with an oily friendliness, but his eyes shone with pure evil, there was no other way to describe it. Regulus sighed and pulled out his wand. Snape already had his at the ready.

But he had always underestimated defensive and mild-mannered Remus, who was top in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Remus had his wand out in a split second and shouted "_Expelliarmus_!" before the Slytherins had time to react. Regulus' wand flew several feet and landed with a _click _on the floor. Unfortunately, Snape was a tolerable dueller himself.

He hissed "_Sectumsempra_", a spell Remus did not recognise. He threw himself aside just in time to divert the curse from his face to his chest. He felt a searing pain where the curse hit him and when he looked down, he saw his robes were gashed and there was a deep slash on his chest, burning like hell. Snape let out a triumphant howl and pointed his wand at Remus anew but before he could utter another incantation, his tongue had swelled twice its normal size, forcing its way out of his mouth.

Remus looked behind Snape just in time to see Sirius's fist collide with Regulus' face. His face was distorted with a mixture of rage, disgust and hatred. Under the force of Sirius' blow, Regulus' head bumped against the wall and he slid deafened to the ground.

"You cowardly son of a bitch!" Sirius yelled at his brother, swirling around. He seized Snape by his robes, shoving him against the wall beside Regulus, shaking him violently. The greasy-haired Slytherin had obviously not expected Sirius, and certainly not a Sirius resorting to physical violence and his eyes widened in fear. Remus sprinted to cross the distance, pointing his wand at Snape but putting his hand on Sirius' shoulder as a pacifying gesture. Sirius' head spun around, his eyes gleaming with unholy joy and with something that bordered close to madness but the sight of Remus broke the spell. He blinked disorientated as if Remus' touch had snapped him back to reality. Sirius let go of Snape, whom he had still held in a firm grip.

Snape looked grotesque. His tongue was huge and hanging down to his chest, making him look like a clown, but the rest of his face was distorted with hate and fear. Realising that without any backup and the ability to speak, he could not stand his ground against a Sirius, who could go berserk again any second, Snape decided to retreat. He shoved Sirius aside and fell into a run, leaving Regulus behind.

"You're a bloody coward, Snivellus!" shouted Sirius, still enraged. Snape paused for a moment but then continued his flight.

Sirius breathed heavily and covered his eyes with the delicately long fingers of his right hand, as if to collect himself. Then he turned to his brother, trembling with rage, though when he spoke his voice was calm and restrained. "Get up! Now!"

Regulus' nose was bleeding but apparently not broken. Half lying on the floor like a discarded and broken toy he was a picture of misery. Slowly he scrambled up to his feet, steadying himself against the wall. His face was still blank and his hair hung into his eyes. "Bastard," he said wearily.

"That's what dear old mommy may tell you. The thought disgusts me all over again but we do share the same parents. Now listen, Regulus, listen carefully. I don't give a damn with whom you socialise. You've sunk deep if you need to hang around with Snape but I really don't care anymore. _I do care_ however when you attack my friends. If I _ever_ catch you again trying to hurt Remus, I'll forget that you're my brother." Sirius' voice crackled with contempt and anger. It made Remus shiver.

"You're not my brother," whispered Regulus so low that Remus almost did not catch it. He threw an anxious glance at Sirius, who let out a hissing sound. Remus got hold of his wand arm just in time to keep him from hexing his brother. Sirius tried to free himself and looked angrily at Remus.

"This is none of your business, Moony!"

"It is. Let him go, Sirius. Let him go," said Remus soothingly, eyes fixed on Sirius', trying to communicate what he really wanted to say.

Sirius stared at him for a few seconds before he lowered his wand arm and nodded submissively. "Leave, Reg, before I change my mind."

The younger boy shot one last nasty look at his elder brother, smearing blood all over his face in the attempt to clean himself. He looked at his hands in disbelief before he paced stiffly through the corridor, only stopping to pick up his wand.

Sirius slowly shook his head and then turned to face Remus again. Before he could say anything Remus declared, "I've got to go to the Owlery. Send this letter."

"You have to go to the Hospital Wing," said Sirius softly. Right, Remus had forgotten about the pain in his chest. The wound wasn't worse than some he had inflicted onto himself.

"No, Sirius, I can't. If I go to Poppy, she'll ask questions and you just beat up your brother. No, we have do heal it without her." Remus forced his voice to be steady and adamant but he was still struggling to get his guard back up. Sirius' soft words and the concern in his eyes were a sharp contrast to the distant politeness of the last weeks. Although, now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure whether it had been mutual.

Sirius nodded hesitantly before he aimed his wand at Remus' chest and said, "_Episkey_!" Remus felt warmth surging through him. Seconds later, the wound was closed and after charming off the blood, only a red and angry looking streak was left. If he was lucky, it would not even scar.

* * *

"Er, thanks, Sirius. Well, if you excuse me, I've got a letter to send." Remus forced a smile and headed towards the little staircase. He was almost on top of it, when he heard hasting footsteps behind him. Well, he had not expected it to be that easy, had he? 

Although it was summer, the wind blowing through the Owlery was cool. Remus decided to use an eager tawny owl to deliver his letter. Attaching the letter to the owl's leg was something he could concentrate on, only too aware of Sirius' silent presence in the rear. But then the owl flew away and there was nothing left to do.

"Are you finished now?" Sirius' voice was low and husky. Remus turned around, holding on to the balustrade. Cold and rugged, the stone gave him strength.

"Yes."

"Listen, Moony, we can't go on like that. _This_ isn't a friendship anymore," said Sirius bluntly and Remus felt his words like knives cutting on his insides.

"What do you expect me to do, Sirius?" asked Remus wearily, afraid of the answer but eager to get it.

Sirius looked at him with this enigmatic gaze of his, eyes dark and fathomless. He saw him open his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Remus heart sank and he looked down to the floor, which was covered in bird droppings. He had dreaded this more than anything else. Remembering Sirius' look after the kiss he strengthened himself for the apology he didn't want to give.

"I'm s-"

"Do it again," Sirius interrupted him, voice urgent and raw with emotions. Remus looked up, startled. His friend still stood there in the same position, arms folded in front of his chest. The moon shone onto him, illuminating his face with a strange beauty.

"Wh--what?" he asked, uncertain if he had heard correctly. Sirius crossed the distance between them with three determined steps. Close, so very close he stood in front of him that Remus found it hard to breathe. The sudden movement of his right hand startled Remus and made him wince. But then Sirius ran the back of his fingers over his cheek, burning the skin where he touched him. Remus couldn't help gasping.

Sirius smiled and cocked his head before he leaned in for a kiss. It was a tender kiss. Sirius' lips felt soft and cool and his hot breath made Remus shiver again. When their tongues met he stifled a moan. Of course, he had kissed before. Over the years, Remus had had three girlfriends and he had liked kissing them but it had never been intoxicating kisses like _this_. He let go of the balustrade and buried his hands in Sirius' robes. The other boy moved his hand to the back of his head and pulled him closer. Remus felt his body react to the touch and kissed Sirius more eagerly.

* * *

Seeing Remus so insecure and forlorn because of _him_ had almost broken Sirius' heart. He had come to talk to Remus but when he saw him clutching the balustrade, looking down onto the floor, doubtlessly steeling himself for the rejection he seemed to expect, he felt the overpowering urge to hold him and kiss him. And Sirius always followed his urges. 

Their lips met tenderly but soon the kiss grew more passionate and Sirius pressed his body close to the other boy's. Tasting him again was beyond good and lived up to the memory of their first kiss. He felt Remus' tongue sliding over the roof of his mouth, his hands stroking his back and touching his neck, slowly loosening up and growing bolder. And then Remus bit slightly on Sirius' lower lip and caused jolts of electricity to run through his body. Sirius moaned into Remus' mouth and pressed himself even closer to the slender boy in his arms. They were both aroused, he could feel that for sure, and if Sirius had known how to stop time, he would have done it right then and there.

Finally, they broke apart, panting for air and shooting sultry glances at each other.

"That was...that was…" Remus was obviously at a loss for words. His face was flushed and his eyes were glowing in the dark. Sirius was sure that he had never seen him more alive or that he had ever looked more beautiful. The thought of beauty in connection with Remus sobered him up. Talk! They needed to talk. The only problem was that Sirius didn't know what he was supposed to say. Kissing your best friend once made things a little complicated but kissing him again and groping him was a sure means to wreak havoc.

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Er, about last time…listen I was…you know, it was _you_…and…I mean, not just some…," stammered Sirius, "you and I…oh fuck, I want you to…er know that –"

"Sirius!" Remus looked at him intently, eyes still glowing with desire, though there was something else mingled in them that Sirius could not define. Remus was biting his lip - something he only did when he was nervous, Sirius had learned - and then he moved closer and put a finger on Sirius' mouth, smiling a small, somewhat crooked smile.

"Stop talking," he said, closing in. "Let's. Not. Talk. About. It." With every word he planted small teasing kisses on Sirius' lips. His golden eyes were huge in the dim light of the moon.

"You really like your secrets, don't you?" grinned Sirius, feeling slightly dizzy and choosing to ignore that unfamiliar feeling, which resembled disappointment.

"I just know when to keep my mouth shut, Mr Padfoot," grinned Remus back.

Sirius knew that keeping his mouth shut was wrong. But Remus had obviously chosen to keep him from talking things over. Not knowing _what_ to feel and how to articulate it anyway, Sirius gave in. And soon afterwards, when he was feeling Remus' teeth on his neck or his tongue sliding over his collarbones, causing waves of lust and desire to race through his body, he had forgotten about that unfamiliar feeling altogether.

_...to be continued_

_

* * *

_ Ah well, boys will be boys. ;) For your interest, the next chapter will be the last Hogwarts chapter.

What do you think? _Please_, take a minute and review!


	8. goodbye

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Ah, the angst and confusion! Thanks to my reviewers, you are the best!

* * *

_chapter eight: goodbye_

"You've got to be kidding me!" James was furious.

"Afraid not…" came the contrite answer.

"How could you let this happen? What the hell were you thinking? – Wait, don't answer that, you were most likely not thinking at all. As usual!" raged James, pacing irately up and down the dormitory.

"We didn't do it on purpose, you know," interjected Sirius. "So calm down, it's not the end of the fucking world!"

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? Are you serious?" yelled James, glaring at the boy on the bed.

The door to the dormitory opened and the slender figure of Remus Lupin appeared.

"What's up? I could hear James shouting as far as the Portrait Hole." Remus raised a questioning eyebrow.

"THIS STUPID MORON LET HIMSELF AND PETE GET CAUGHT BY FILCH AND THEY LOST THE MAP!" roared James.

Sirius flinched before he raised his voice as well. "Yeah, well, hex me if you want but we're going to leave Hogwarts in three days time anyway."

"That's beside the point. We didn't put a good year's work into that bloody map to hand it over to Filch eventually."

"Prongs, what _would_ you have done with it?" asked Remus casually, strolling over to his bed and throwing himself onto it.

James stopped pacing the room and looked bewildered at Remus. "I-I don't know. Hide it, I guess."

"You'd have hidden it? For what purpose? You won't come back here, you know." said Remus soothingly, as if talking to a naughty child. He threw a short glance at Sirius, who nodded gratefully.

"I know _that_. It's just…now it's mouldering in Filch's office, what good does that do?"

"Well, someone will find it. Someone worthy of using it." shrugged Remus, still looking at Sirius.

"Yeah, a new generation of Marauders!" exclaimed the black-haired boy excitedly.

James's face lit up. "That doesn't sound too bad."

"It's our legacy," added Remus, grinning.

* * *

The four Marauders were gathered in the Common Room. All four of them felt a little nostalgic, now that they were about to leave Hogwarts for good. Remus was feeling anxious about the future. He and Peter were in need of a job while James and Sirius did not have to worry about something as trivial as money. Now, that sounded bitter, he should stop thinking along those lines. 

"We should play a last prank," suggested Sirius, eyes mischievously glinting with apprehension.

Remus felt a smile creep over his face. Sirius would probably never change.

"Hear, hear!" commented James, sitting up and rubbing his hands. "Any plans?"

"Something big!" Peter looked excited at the prospect of creating mischief.

"That goes without saying, Mr Wormtail," said Sirius dismissively. His silky black hair swung nonchalantly into his eyes. Remus watched his long elegant hands run through it, mussing it up before it fell back into its original position. Watching Sirius was a luxury he didn't indulge himself in too often, lest it attracted attention.

They still had not talked about their – whatever they had – and this was mostly due to Remus. Instead they had done a lot of kissing and groping in secrecy. Remus had his reasons for not talking things over with Sirius and Sirius seemed eager to comply. At least, he had not tried to talk about _it_ again. Remus found himself in two minds about this but was mostly relieved. This – whatever it was – was an exciting but temporary adventure. They were first and foremost friends and he would certainly not expect some sort of public commitment from Sirius Black. _What_ it was that attracted Sirius to him was beyond Remus anyway. Snogging Ravenclaw Quidditch players was one thing, kissing one of your best friends another.

But his main reason for hushing up their – whatever you'd call it – was his fear of abandonment. He hadn't had a girlfriend for a long time because of what he was. Remus knew perfectly well that most people did not even consider him human. And neither do you, told him the little voice in his head. So having friends was definitely more important to him than having sex. He did not even consider the emotional world that lay beyond. That's why Remus had promised himself to keep – whatever they had – strictly physical while remaining friends for the rest. This was certainly the most reasonable –

"Moooooooooony?" Remus blushed when he found three pairs of eyes focussed on him.

"What's going on in this ingenious brain of yours?" asked James curiously.

"I was putting it to the task ahead, of course," answered Remus, quick-witted.

"Oh, nobody understands the mystifying, unintelligible and bizarre depths of Moony's mind, that's for sure," teased Peter, grinning broadly.

"Bizarre and unintelligible? You're not talking about me, are you, Wormtail?" joked Sirius.

"No, then he would have used _dodgy _and _idle_," said James dryly. Seconds later his unruly hair was orange.

"Very becoming, mate! Now, back to business. Moony, you've got a plan?" Sirius leaned forward, watching Remus intently while James tried to take off the jinx.

"Why, yes of course, I have. It needs lots of organisation though," Remus said wistfully. "It may not be possible."

"There is no such thing as _impossible_ for us!" boasted Sirius and James together. They grinned at each other.

"Let's hear it then, this great plan of yours," Peter demanded eagerly.

"Ok, listen…"

* * *

The whole school was in uproar. All students were supposed to leave within the next hour and nobody, absolute nobody was able to pack. All trunks and cases threw out every single piece of clothing that their owners tried to store inside them. Gryffindor Tower was a downright war zone. Students were in different states of despair and running from one dormitory to another, hoping that someone found out a working counter curse. Professor McGonagall had arrived several minutes ago and was trying to poor oil on troubled water. 

"Silence! _Silence_! Ms Evans, would you be so kind to find Potter for me? Outrageous behaviour for a Head Boy, disappearing just like that." McGonagall's mouth was a thin line.

"Of course, Professor." Lily' hair was a mess, her attire was in disorder and she was trying to prevent two second years from hexing each other. Lily suspected her boyfriend to be the reason for the turmoil but she did not want to sell him out on their last day. However, she was not amused about dealing with all this mess alone. She ran up to the seventh year boys' dormitory but found the door locked.

"_Alohomora_!" The door creaked open.

* * *

Remus had decided to jinx their luggage as well and so the four Marauders sat amongst their unpacked clothes and books, enjoying the music of chaos that permeated through the walls. 

"Moony, I salute you! That was the most brilliant plan you ever came up with." James' eyes were full of admiration.

"Yeah, well, I just thought…er, never mind."

"What? C'mon, spill it or I'll have to hex you, mate," Sirius grinned jovially. Wherever chaos and havoc could be found, Sirius felt at home, Remus thought. Gods, he would miss his room mates.

"Nah, it's nothing…just…I'll miss this place," Remus muttered. He felt embarrassed. James, Peter and Sirius would certainly enjoy life without school, so he expected them to laugh at him.

"Me too," said James slowly. Remus shot him a surprised look. "I mean out there," he made a vague gesture, "there is a war going on and we'll have to grow up, won't we? We have to do _something_."

Peter looked horrified but nodded approval and Sirius said "Yeah, mate," in low voice.

The door opened loudly into the preceding silence and a shock of red hair appeared behind it.

"James Potter!"

"Yep, that's me!" answered James cheerfully, beaming at his girlfriend. Lily opened her mouth to say something but apparently changed her mind. A beautiful smile crept over her face but she tried to force it away instantly.

"McGonagall wants to see you down in the Common Room."

"Coming!" James jumped up and bounced over to the redhead. Lily was obviously surprised at his readiness. He stormed past her and they heard his "Are you coming then?" shouted from the bottom of the staircase. Lily grinned and was about to close the door when Peter got up, mumbling "Wouldn't miss that for the world." He passed her, shooting her an apologetic glance. Lily smiled even broader and mouthed an "Amazing job, guys," to the remaining Marauders before she shut the door.

The sudden silence was almost louder than the former turmoil.

"We should remove the spell from our trunks and start packing, I guess," said Remus lightly. "Or do you want to see McGonagall coming down on James?"

"I'd rather want to do _this_!" growled Sirius, shoving Remus on his bed and pressing his lips onto Remus'. Feeling the other boys' body so close to his, pressing down on him, made Remus all dizzy. Being close to Sirius was always overwhelming. Whatever reserve he had, however strong his determination not to give in was, Remus' resolute defences were always overrun by Sirius' overpowering presence. Losing himself in the other boy's touch was an intriguing but scary thought.

Feeling Sirius' sultry gaze on him more than actually seeing it, aroused Remus more than he liked to admit. Feeling Sirius' tongue on this little spot between his neck and earlobe almost undid him. Feeling Sirius' hands all over his body, even through his robes, let him almost forget where they were. Almost.

"S-Sirius, stop," he breathed heavily against Sirius' mouth. "What if James or Peter come back?"

"I don't like your _what ifs_." Sirius' voice was hoarse with desire. Neither do you, added the little dry voice in Remus' head and Remus felt himself blush. You rather want to shed both of your robes and find out how his skin feels on yours, continued the voice. Remus felt the urge to bump his head violently against a very hard wall. He could still taste Sirius on his lips when he had shoved the other boy off him and started packing. Reason sucked.

* * *

Riding the Hogwarts Express for the very last time was a weird experience for all seventh years. Most students had congratulated the Marauders for their incredible last prank. Even Dumbledore had mentioned it winking in his otherwise rather gloomy end-of-term speech. Five seventh years had not been able to do their N.E.W.T.s because of some grievous loss in their family and their empty seats in the Great Hall had been a constant reminder that the world outside wasn't as friendly as the school grounds. 

But terror and war were forgotten when they boarded the Hogwarts Express. Lily had joined the Marauders in their apartment, leaving her friend Alice for the very first time in favour of her boyfriend's company. She and James were exchanging chaste kisses now and then but whenever they felt unobserved, their kissing grew more passionate. Sirius found himself quite able to restrain his jealousy, especially when he threw quick glances at Remus, who was sitting closest to the window, reading a book. James and Lily were an item, he was ready to accept that. But James would still be there for him as well as Peter and Remus.

Remus…

The full moon was coming up once again and Remus had dark circles around his eyes and a constant frown on his forehead Sirius wanted to kiss away. The other boy was worrying too much, he knew that. But then, he had good reasons to do so. Sirius knew about the Werewolf Registration Laws, that were both humiliating and prejudicial to Remus' future endeavours to find a job. Unable to keep the house, Remus' mother was forced to move into a smaller one. Remus would be helping her and he had already asked his friends to stay away over the next weeks. Sirius, who had a fair fortune lying at Gringotts thanks to his uncle, would have loved to help the Lupins but he knew better than to offer his help.

Remus would also be alone for the full moon, that's what angered him most. And deep down he knew that Remus was not as indifferent to the changes in their friendship as he let on. Sirius had been rather surprised at Remus' refusal to talk about _it_. Of course, he was relieved but, if he was honest, it hurt to be kept at a safe distance. Most of the time he really didn't understand Remus. Sirius was resolved to write as many owls as it would take to learn what his friend's problem was.

* * *

"So what are you guys up to?" Lily looked at them expectantly. 

"I'm going to get my own place. Prongs will help me find one," said Sirius lazily.

Remus looked up from his book for the first time in about an hour. They were still on the Hogwarts Express and his friends had been chatting all the time.

"You get your own place?" babbled Peter incredulously. "Why haven't you told us? I mean me and Remus. You didn't know?" Peter looked at Remus, who shook his head.

"I am telling you now."

"Yeah, but why…when did you decide that?" Peter's mouth was shaped like an _O_.

"For fuck's sake, Wormtail, shut your mouth. I can't be living with the Potters forever, can I?" Sirius was getting angry. His sudden mood swings always confused Remus.

"Where do you want to live?" asked Lily lightly.

"Don't know," Sirius shrugged. "Some place in London, I guess. With Muggles and wizards."

"You're going to give a party, aren't you?" asked Peter excitedly.

"Sure thing." Sirius leaned back casually and smiled deviously, looking dangerously handsome. "There're going to be a hell of a lot of parties."

"Probably a second Gomorrah," mumbled Remus under his breath. James, Peter and Sirius shot him questioning looks while Lily burst out laughing.

"Never mind," she gasped. "It's a Muggle thing." When she had caught her breath she explained it to the three pure-blood wizards. They immediately roared with laughter, though Remus noticed the strange look Sirius gave him. He tried to shrug it off. Sirius would always be Sirius. Right now he had an obscure infatuation with him and next week he would be going back to pulling girls by the dozen.

Remus needed time to come to terms with – whatever they had. He craved Sirius' kisses and his touch and loathed himself for feeling that way. Sirius was his _friend_ and what they did was jeopardising their friendship, though this was probably what Sirius found intriguing about it. Remus had no doubt where James and Peter would stand if _it_ ever alienated the two of them.

And still, watching Sirius let alone touching him was bloody brilliant. If only –

"Mooooooooony? Where are you these days?" James smiled at him. "What are your plans for the summer? Moving your mom's stuff doesn't take that much time, does it?"

"Oh, er…I also have to find a place of my own, I guess. But before that, I need to find a job, which will take some time." Remus smiled wryly. "So nothing exciting, really."

"Well, now that Padfoot is moving out, we've got space enough. Ow, that hurt!" James held his arm where Sirius had slapped him.

"No, thanks for the offer. I appreciate it. It's just…" Remus shrugged.

"Alright, mate." James gave him an understanding look and Remus felt a wave of gratitude towards his friend. "Just send some owls, ok? You, too, Pete!" They both nodded approval.

For the rest of the journey they continued their cheerful chatter. But Remus felt Sirius' enigmatic gaze on him the entire time. He thought how astonishing it was that none of the others noticed his weird fixation, when Peter asked out of nowhere, "Why do you keep staring at Moony, Pads?"

Remus felt his cheeks grow hot but Sirius neither lifted his eyes nor did he blush.

"Because I _can_, Wormtail," he said coolly. "Besides, I'm trying to make out the title of his book." James snorted.

"Why don't you just ask him?" giggled Lily.

"Where's the fun in that?" Sirius finally took his eyes off of Remus, who was feeling relieved and strangely abandoned.

* * *

When they arrived at Platform 9¾ Lily showed signs of excitement. She was going to meet James' parents and Remus felt happy for her. Mr and Mrs Potter were exceptionally nice and generous and it didn't take much to please them. They would doubtlessly be delighted at Lily. James helped her get her trunk down and she hugged Remus and Sirius before she left the compartment. James followed after a session of silent communication with Sirius. Peter was already gone.

Remus just wanted to leave when he felt Sirius' iron grip around his wrist. He was startled by the dangerous glint in the taller boy's eyes.

"You're not going to write, are you?" Sirius asked, treacherously calm.

"I-of course, I'm going to write, Pads," protested Remus rather weakly. Sometimes, like then, it took him by surprise that Sirius could see through his masquerade. Sirius stepped closer and the tension between them became almost palpable.

"Do you feel this, Remus?" Sirius asked hotly. "Do you?"

Remus nodded.

"You can try to deny its existence by not writing letters and hiding behind books and fake commitments –"

"Sir-"

"No, you _will_ listen! You can live in denial as long as it pleases you and you can try to keep it at bay by not talking about it. _But _that doesn't make it less real, Moony. It is _real_ and it's not going to go away over the summer. I'm not Prongs, I'm not going to stalk you. I'm still your bloody friend, though, and I don't think I deserve this kind of behaviour." Sirius' voice was urgent and the look he gave Remus was dark and did not bode well.

"I'm going to write to you and you can answer or let it alone, your choice. But you won't disappear completely and you _will_ write to Prongs and Wormtail!" Sirius looked at him, waiting for an answer.

"I will," Remus whispered, trying to avoid Sirius eyes. But the other boy took hold of his chin and forced Remus to look up at him. The swirl of raw and contradictory emotions in Sirius' grey eyes made Remus dizzy and confused. Out of the blue, he felt Sirius pulling him into a bruising kiss, full of frustration, affection and something Remus couldn't decode.

It was over as abruptly as it had started. Sirius stepped back and smiled at him deviously.

"It _won't_ go away. And Lupin, try to be honest for once in your life, you don't want it to go away," he said in a low voice before he turned to leave the train. When he had reached the compartment door Remus whispered, "I'm sorry."

But Sirius either didn't hear him or didn't care.

_...to be continued_

_

* * *

_

Now that you have read it, **please review** and let me know whether you liked it or not!_  
_

_Some of you, who are still waiting for more steamy scenes, will be delighted to hear that this aspect of their - whatever they have - will be looked at in more detail in the next chapter. ;)  
_


	9. too much fun

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I don't own anything remotely related to Highlander or The Doors, either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Why Jim Morrison? Because he was hot! There is another quote from Highlander and whoever finds it gets a virtual cookie. Oh, and beware of sexual content.

* * *

_chapter nine: too much fun_

With another _swish_ of his wand Remus unpacked the last box. He was standing in his own flat, although not many people would bother to call it that – a flat. It was a miserable hole, that's what it was, but Remus liked it because it was _his_. He looked around. The place consisted of two very small rooms and a bathroom. His mother had helped him out with some pieces of old furniture they had found in the garage. Thus the main room was furnished with a tottery round table, two just as tottery old chairs, two bookshelves, an ancient and musty sofa and there were two pictures of his friends on the wall opposite the only window, which was fortunately located above the tiny kitchenette.

He went into his bedroom. There were water stains at the ceiling and fissures in the wall adjacent to the bathroom, which could only be entered if the door to the main room was closed. There was a desk, the only new piece of furniture his mother had been able to afford, and Remus' old bed. The bathroom was petty and had no window at all. Remus sank down on the toilet lid.

He was angry. Angry at the Ministry for Magic for closing in on him with administrative barriers and pig-headed clerks at the Werewolf Registry, that even turned applying for his Apparition test into a gauntlet. He was angry at his mother for being too caught up in her grief to notice his struggle. He was angry at all the wizards and witches, who had fired him after they found out about his condition, regardless of his qualifications. In the six weeks since he had left Hogwarts he had had eight jobs in the Wizarding world already and now he was working in a Muggle antique shop. Remus was angry at his friends for being so disgustingly normal and enjoying the summer. Most of all, Remus was angry at himself for turning into such a bitter and envious person only weeks after he had left school.

It was one of those perfect summer days but Remus was too exhausted from work and unpacking to go out and enjoy himself. He heaved a sigh and got up. There was no need to be all melancholic and depressed. At least he had a job now he was probably able to keep for one or two months. He went over to his bed, where he curled up and fell asleep.

A scratching noise at the window woke him up. James' barn owl was sitting on the window sill. Remus scrambled to his feet and let her in. After giving the bird some water and crumbs he sat down to read the letter.

_Moony,_

_Are you still alive? Honestly, you haven't written in two weeks and you still haven't seen Padfoot's new residence. It's really cool, you know. The house has two floors and it's situated near a forest and, best of all, a pond. We've spent hours frolicking in the water. You should have been here to chastise us for being so lazy. It's mainly a Muggle area and Padfoot already knows most of the girls, ha ha. _

_However, we're going to have a party and YOU ARE GOING TO COME. We didn't celebrate Wormtail's birthday because it was so close to N.E.W.T.s and mine is up next week. Mr I'm-too-handsome-to-be-true has kindly provided his humble abode. _

_So we're going to spend an entire weekend Marauding and drinking. Next Friday it's only us, with the party being on Saturday. Honestly, Moony, you are in desperate need of fun and chaos. And we all miss you. Lily will be coming too, though she has spent lots of time with her family lately. Her mother does not feel well and they are trying to figure out what's wrong with her. I'm worried but most of the time I feel like an intruder. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaase, say yes and join us next week!_

_Soppy kisses_

_Prongs_

Remus smiled. He didn't have the money to buy James a proper present but he also knew that all of his friends would understand. He read the letter a second time. _Padfoot already knows most of the girls…_ah well, that had to be expected, hadn't it? Sirius had written every week, nice and funny letters, that didn't mention – whatever they had – but Remus had only answered James' and Peter's letters, not knowing how to write to Sirius. He finally understood that their friendship had changed no matter what he did _now_ to deny it. That kiss on the train haunted his nights. Remus closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to shut out the memories. No, that didn't help at all. He felt restless and went over into the living room to get some water. When he looked out of the window a predatory grin flashed over his face.

Jim Morrison was sitting in the café across the street again. Well, of course it wasn't really Jim Morrison, who was actually dead, but the guy bore a striking resemblance. They had met several times in the grocery shop down the street and 'Jim' had been flirting with _him_.

So, Sirius enjoyed himself with the girls in his neighbourhood. He had moved on. Good for him. Remus put on a clean shirt and left his flat.

* * *

Hours later Remus faced up to the fact that, for a first experience, having your prick sucked by a complete stranger wasn't the most brilliant idea he ever had. It had been, well, interesting. And exciting. And satisfying. And so utterly wrong! 

Remus looked at the man lying next to him on the musty sofa. The smell of sex hung in the sticky summer air. They were more or less completely dressed, which was fine with Remus. Having scars all over his body had made him self-conscious since puberty. Covered in moonlight Keith – that's how 'Jim' was really called – did resemble another person Remus knew. Remus jumped off the sofa and scudded into the bathroom, where he splashed cold water onto his face. Damn Sirius, damn his kisses and damn the tension between them.

"Hey, Ramos, are you alright?" Keith called out.

"My name's _Remus_ and yeah, I'm fine. I'll be right back."

"Nah, that's alright. I've got to go anyway. Have a gig, yeh know?"

Remus felt hysterical laughter bubble up his throat. That guy was actually in a band?

"Yeah, well, see you around, Keith!" he called into the room, trying to keep the laughter down.

"Cheers, man!"

He made sure that the door fell shut before he burst out laughing. Seconds later he found himself crying as well. Ironically, the only person he would have liked to talk to about it, and who would _understand_, was Sirius Black.

That had definitely been too much fun for one day!

* * *

"Sirius, do you have anything edible in this sloppy house of yours?" Lily wrinkled her nose at the sight of his kitchen. 

"Nope," answered Sirius proudly. "Prongs' mom is going to send her house-elf over in a couple of hours. She can't have us starve. She loves me best any- ow!" James had jostled Sirius against the door frame.

"We can't even order some pizza because you're too magic to have a telephone." Lily looked around, distressed. It was Friday afternoon and another hot summer day.

"She always gets angry when she's hungry," whispered James in Sirius' ear.

"You love her anyway," growled Sirius, who had actually grown quite fond of Lily.

"Did I hear a lady in distress?" asked a warm and familiar voice.

Sirius' head spun around so fast that the sinews his neck snapped painfully. Remus was standing just behind him and James, smiling his mysterious half-smile.

"Remus!" Lily squealed delightedly.

"Merlin, you've grown!" exclaimed James, which was true. Over the last weeks Remus had grown about two inches. He had lost weight, too, or maybe he had grown too fast, but the change suited him. He looked more mature and there was a certain edge to his facial expression that Sirius found extremely attractive. James pulled Remus into a bone-crushing embrace.

"Hey, Prongs, I'm happy to see you, too," laughed Remus. Two thin, unfamiliar and faintly pink scars adorned the pale skin of his right cheek. James had noticed, too.

"We should have been there," he said in a low whisper. Remus looked slightly embarrassed from James to Sirius. When their eyes met, the world seemed to fade away for a second. Sirius smiled at him and Remus smiled back and the barrier between them disappeared into thin air.

"Come here, wolfy!" Sirius teased.

"Your arse, wolfy!" Remus grinned but stepped into the hug nonetheless.

* * *

An hour later they were down by the pond James had written about. Peter had joined them, too, though without Karen, who had broken up with him two weeks before. The blonde boy wasn't too sad. All of them were in an exceptionally good mood, rejoicing in the fact that the Marauders were back together. Remus had brought two huge and deliciously sweet watermelons and so they were lying in the warm grass, eating dripping pieces of melon and laughing about a joke Lily told them. 

Lily was wearing a dark green bikini and James couldn't take his eyes off her. The boys had stripped down to their trunks and only Remus wore a shirt to cover the scars on his body.

"Let's go swimming," suggested Lily a little later. James only grunted lazily.

"Not yet, I'm too full," said Peter. Sirius didn't open his eyes.

"Awwww, come on!"

"I'll go with you." Remus smiled at her, feeling happier than he had in weeks. The two of them ran into the water, squealing with glee. The pond was deep green and the water felt pleasantly cool on Remus' skin.

"So, Remus, how's living in your own flat?" Lily asked when they were swimming lazily side by side in the middle of the pond.

"Alright," lied Remus.

"Really? Aren't you lonely all by yourself?"

"Nah, it's great. Time to actually read a book in one go."

"And where do you work?"

"Antiquary shop," answered Remus evenly. He felt Lily's gaze on him.

"Oh, Remus…"

"Don't!" He looked at her pleadingly. She nodded and dived a small distance.

The sound of laughter was carried over to them. Remus and Lily looked over to where their friends were and made out several unknown figures. They nodded to each other and swam back.

It was a group of four Muggle girls, all between fifteen and eighteen, Remus guessed. There were two blondes, one brunette and one black-haired girl and they had all gathered around Sirius and James. Like moths to a flame, he thought.

Dripping and shivering they joined their friends and Lily sat down so close to James that Remus had to suppress a smile. James looked at Sirius, who nodded understanding and took the girls several feet away from the group. Lily gave her boyfriend a small peck on the cheek before she took her towel and went behind a tree to change into something dry. Remus considered this a good idea and scolded himself for not bringing anything he could change into. His wet shirt stuck to his skin and made him shiver in the first cool evening breeze. But with all these Muggles around, a Drying Charm was out of the question. Lily returned in a black bikini, which suited her just as well and secured her James' undivided attention.

"Is Padfoot ever going to come back?" Peter seemed a little restless and eyed Lily and James jealously. Sirius and the girls were out of sight, though they still heard their silly giggles.

"Perhaps you should remind him of our presence, Pete," said Remus lightly. Peter shot him a grateful look, jumped up and stormed off in the direction of the laughter. Remus tried to ignore his wet clothes and enjoy the evening.

"Remus, you're going to catch a cold! Your lips are turning blue!" Lily frowned, obviously concerned.

"I didn't bring another shirt or pair of trunks," shrugged Remus.

"Boys," Lily muttered. "James, you can lend him your shirt."

"Yeah, sure," James rolled over to grab his rumpled shirt. "Here you go, Moony!"

"Er, really….it's no big deal. I-I'm not cold." Remus lied, not willing to expose his scars in front of Lily. She gave him an inquisitive look.

"Let's go swimming, Lils," James suggested, winking at Remus. Lily, being the clever girl that she was, got the hint.

"Yes, let's. AHHHHH, JAMES POTTER!"

Remus watched James carrying a squealing Lily into the water. He was lucky to have such friends. Checking the surrounding area, he decided to risk it. He quickly pulled off his pair of trunks and changed into his pants. His good luck left him when his shirt was tangled around his head.

"OH MY GOD! What happened to your friend?" asked a high-pitched female voice. Defiantly, Remus ripped the shirt off and turned to face the newcomers. Of course, it was Peter, Sirius and the giggling girls. All of them. Bugger.

The girls ogled him with a mixture of pity and repulsion and Peter tried to become invisible. Remus blushed and considered drowning himself when his eyes fell on Sirius. The look of undisguised hunger and desire the other boy gave him sent a different kind of heat surging through his body. _Nobody _had ever looked at him like that!

"Has the cat got your tongue, boy?" asked one of the blondes.

"Shut your bloody mouth!" growled Sirius, stepping in front of Remus, who gratefully took the chance to slip on James' shirt.

"B-but…do his parents abuse him or something?"

"_Do his parents abuse him or something_?" Sirius mocked her. "No, they bloody well don't. And now you'd better _leave_," he growled.

"Yeah!" Peter stepped over to them. The girls looked reluctant.

"Well, what happened then? Did he get under a fucking lawn mower?" the nosy blonde asked nastily.

"Lawn mower?" mouthed Peter questioningly at Remus, who shrugged dismissively. He just wanted to get away from those girls and started to gather his belongings.

Sirius' cold voice startled him. "You know _nothing_ about him. But how could you?" he sneered. "You must be the silliest Muggle on the planet!"

"Sirius!" Remus said sharply.

"Mug-what?"

"Just shut up and be gone. You don't want to see him angry!" Remus told her.

"What's the matter?" asked James, he and Lily dripping wet but alert. The girls exchanged looks between them and each other and decided to leave, glaring nastily at Sirius, whom they had earlier adored.

"Fucking freaks!" they heard one of them mutter before they were out of sight. Sirius turned around, scrutinising Remus.

"Are you ok, Moony?" he asked with a voice that made Remus shiver.

"Yeah, I'd like to go back though."

"They _what_?" asked James irately when Peter informed him about the confrontation.

"It's ok, James, calm down. Sirius here went berserk enough for the two of you." Remus forced a smile on his face.

"Stupid bints! I'd _love_ to hex them." Sirius grumbled, wrapping one arm protectively around Remus' shoulders. And Remus, who would usually have shrugged him off, let Sirius guide him back to the house.

"If you ever want to floo in…I named it 'Gomorrah'," grinned Sirius before they went through the door.

* * *

The party was characteristically loud and chaotic. Sirius, James and Peter had invited about anyone they knew. There were even a few Muggles, who were friends or relatives of some wizard or other. Remus was enjoying himself to the fullest, the unpleasant encounter of the day before forgotten. He liked to believe that he didn't mind being rejected by strangers but he couldn't deny the fact that he had heard the girls' voices in his head for hours before he fell asleep. The other thing he had been thinking about quite a lot was the sight of Sirius' hungry eyes on him. 

Speaking of which, Sirius' eyes were alternatively focussed on one girl or the other and Remus hadn't talked to him all evening, trying to avoid being paired up with a random female Sirius thought would suit him. The little voice in his head told him that this was a ridiculous excuse after the look Sirius had given him the day before and that he should stop denying the obvious and inevitable. They hadn't kissed for weeks and the thought alone drove Remus insane.

Intoxication! Drinking one of those self-made and most likely illegal potions O'Grady had brought with him seemed like a good idea to avoid thinking for the rest of the evening altogether. Remus pushed through the masses, stepping on several discarded joke articles.

"What's that, Prefect Moony consuming illegal substances?" he heard a low voice whispering into his ear.

"I'm not a Prefect anymore, Pads, and I can do what I like," Remus answered, just as low. He felt Sirius' warm breath on his neck, tickling and tantalising him.

"Can you now?" Came the teasing reply. Something told Remus that they were not talking about semi-illegal potions anymore. The noises around them faded into the background, leaving their breath and their whispering voices.

"That's a clear and definite _yes_."

"Good." It wasn't just approval, it was a promise.

Remus turned and looked straight into Sirius' eyes. He was searching them for something, though he did not really know what he was looking for. And strangely enough, when he lost himself in the grey depth of Sirius' eyes, he found it.

* * *

Sirius woke with a hammering head and a stale taste in his mouth. Not knowing what time it was, he slurped down into the kitchen, cutting his right foot on the shards of a scattered bottle on the floor. 

"MERLIN'S BALLS!" he yelped in pain.

"Morning, sunshine!" cheered Lily, whom Sirius had never taken for a cruel person. Oh, he had been wrong!

"You're looking a little battered, Black. Too many of the pink potions? You shouldn't trust anything that's pink, you know." Lily grinned broadly, patting Sirius on the back. He glared at her, which made his head hurt even more. "Oh well, Sirius, let me have a look, you're bleeding all over the floor. _Episkey_!"

"Thanks. If you gave me one of those Hangover potions I stored in the fridge yesterday, I'll marry you," groaned Sirius.

"James will be delighted," teased Lily.

"Why?" asked James, who just appeared from the bathroom. Sirius shot her a pleading puppy look.

"Nothing, we were talking about cleaning this mess up and Sirius here told me that you'd volunteer to do the bathroom."

"Oi, Pads, in your dreams," cried James indignantly.

"Keep it down, will you? My head is killing me," whined Sirius.

"You'd better take one of these then." Sirius felt a warm hand on his arm and looked up into Remus' golden eyes, now sparkling with amusement.

"Why's everyone so bloody cheerful?" asked Sirius, exasperated.

"Because we haven't enjoyed ourselves as much as you, no doubt about that," replied Lily dryly. "Peter had to leave, his mother owled early."

"Great, just great," grumbled Sirius, quaffing the potion off. He felt the potion going straight into his head, leaving him slightly light-headed, but the hammer was fortunately gone.

They tidied the house for the better part of the day. Of course they used magic but most of the damage had been done magically as well. James and Lily were making fun of the condition the house was in but Remus' reaction made Sirius suspicious of what hellhole his friend lived in. Remus hadn't invited any of them so far and he hadn't talked about his job either. As Sirius was getting better during the course of the day, he resolved to visit Remus as fast as possible. Being a naturally honest person, he admitted to himself that he had other reasons for the visit, too. Since he had laid eyes on Remus at the pond, he was dying to touch him. Their conversation at the party had convinced him that Remus wanted him, too. Moreover, seeing the fragile state his scarred friend was in, he could do with some positive attention.

"We've got to be going, mate," said James, cutting off Sirius' train of thoughts. James was already fully dressed and packed and had one arm wrapped around Lily's waist.

"Yeah, right, thanks for your help. See you on Tuesday in Diagon Alley, Prongs?"

"Sure thing," replied James. "Padfoot needs a new broomstick kit," he explained to Lily, who just rolled her eyes.

"Moooooony, we're leaving," shouted James. Seconds later, a very sweaty and dishevelled Remus Apparated into the kitchen. Sirius wished to see him like that because of him.

"Yuck, Moony, you're in desperate need of a shower!" exclaimed James, pulling his friend into a hug nonetheless. "See you next weekend at my place," he added. Several hugs later, James and Lily Disapparated with two subsequent POPs.

"Pads, since I spent an hour cleaning it, could I use your shower?" asked Remus tentatively.

"You don't have to ask. Mi casa es su casa," Sirius said roughly. Remus nodded apologetically and Apparated back upstairs. Sirius sat down at the kitchen table in his now deserted and very clean kitchen. He had never felt attracted to another person for a longer period of time before. But then, nobody had ever resisted him before. It was maddening.

* * *

When Remus came back half an hour later, he was positively glowing. 

"Cheers, Pads, I really needed that," said Remus, good-humoured. His hair was still damp and his cheeks were rosy. He wore robes for a change, and they looked surprisingly new. Resistance might not be an issue after all, thought Sirius, smirking inwardly. They stared at each other for a long moment, for neither of them seemed willing to make the first move.

Just when Sirius thought he couldn't take more of it Remus said with a wry smile "I should be going then."

"Your arse, you should," growled Sirius, jumping off his chair so fast that it fell over. He pulled Remus in a breathtaking kiss. It felt so damn good to hold Remus again, to feel him so close and to taste him. And Remus kissed him back, just as hungry and devouring. An eternity later they broke apart, panting for air.

"Upstairs, now!" demanded Remus in a voice that sent a chill through Sirius' body. The thought alone that _he_ could make Remus forgot his usual politeness thrilled him. He had never wanted anything, anyone more in his life and so it took a lot of effort to pull himself together.

"On three," Sirius suggested, grinning predatorily. "One, two-" and with that he Apparated into his bedroom. Remus followed only seconds later and feigned indignation.

"Cheating, aren't you? You are -" Remus couldn't tell Sirius what he was because Sirius pushed him against the wall, kissing him fiercely and fumbling with the other boy's robes.

* * *

Remus felt heat and desire he had never known before. Being pressed against the wall by Sirius, feeling Sirius' stubble scratching against his neck, Sirius' cool and trembling fingers undressing him…it was incredible. Remus shoved Sirius over to the bed, which was fortunately broader than his own. On the way, they both got rid of their robes and pants. All of a sudden, Sirius let got of him to let his eyes wander over Remus' body. Remus folded his arms self-consciously but Sirius got hold of his wrists and forced them apart. 

"I've wanted to see you like this for weeks, you won't hide," he said in a raw whisper and Remus could see the hunger in his eyes again. His legs turned to jelly under that look, so he pushed Sirius over and they fell onto the bed. They wrestled and kissed and tasted and touched each other until they were both dizzy and giddy with desire.

Only a week ago, Keith had touched him like Sirius did now but there was a world of difference in this touch. Waves of pleasure surged through Remus' body and he buried his face in the curve of Sirius' neck, inhaling the other boy's scent deeply. Sirius gasped because of _his_ touch, _his_ strokes and he felt another jolt of electricity when Sirius thrust against him. And then Remus lost himself in the pleasure of the moment and the last thing he heard before his sight blurred and the world became meaningless was Sirius hissing his name.

* * *

It was getting dark when Sirius woke up. A thin film of sweat still covered his body and he felt pleasantly spent. Next to him, Remus was lying on his side, so that they faced each other. One arm was casually draped around Sirius' waist. His lashes fluttered sporadically but for the rest his face emanated peace and contentment. Sirius reached out to trace the two fading scars on Remus' cheek with the tips of his fingers but then felt strangely reluctant to disturb the other boy's sleep. Instead he turned around and nestled his back to Remus' warm and slender body, seizing Remus' hand and twining their fingers. Remus sighed in his sleep and snuggled closer to Sirius' back. Comforted by his friend's regular breathing and steady heartbeat, Sirius fell asleep, feeling strangely sheltered and filled with unexpected happiness. 

_...to be continued_

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* * *

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	10. happiness or something like it

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **No weird quotes, as far as I can see. And I suppose the M Rating is justified with this chapter. **Many thanks to my two excellent beta readers!** You rock!

* * *

_chapter ten: happiness or something like it_

Remus was woken by the patter of rain on the roof. It was the hour of dawn and the room was illuminated in a strange monochrome twilight. Remus blinked disorientated before his eyes grew wide in surprised understanding.

"Morning, Moony." Sirius' clear voice startled him. Unlike his friend, Remus wasn't a morning person.

"Morning," he mumbled back, turning around to look at Sirius. Absorbed in the twilight, Sirius was breathtakingly beautiful. Nobody should look so perfect before sunrise, thought Remus, still a little befuddled from sleep. Prominent features accentuated by shadowy stubble, grey eyes dark and moist, black hair preciously dishevelled, sensuous lips slightly open - Sirius was certainly too handsome for his own good. And then understanding dawned on Remus.

"Have you been watching me?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes." Sirius wasn't even faintly embarrassed.

"Why?" Instead of an answer, Sirius budged over to him and leaned in for a kiss. Stale breath didn't matter when kissing Sirius, realised Remus. It took all his willpower to pull away.

"S-Sirius, I have to go to work. I shouldn't have stayed overnight in the first place." Remus sighed and slid out of the bed, away from their shared warmth and comfort. He found his pants and pulled them on.

"Moony, you're a wizard, you can _Apparate_," replied Sirius indignantly.

"But not to work," said Remus without thinking. A second later he wanted to kick himself.

"Why not?" Sirius asked with curious concern, sitting up.

"Because it's a Muggle shop," mumbled Remus faintly. He didn't look at Sirius but focussed on donning his robes. He knew what was coming and he wasn't ready for an argument before he had had at least one cup of tea.

"You're working in a MUGGLE SHOP?" Remus flinched.

"Pads, can we discuss this later?" he asked weakly.

"No, no, we can't because this is _later_. You've spent an entire weekend with your friends without mentioning it. Merlin, Moony, what's wrong with you? Don't you trust us? Don't you trust _me_?" Sirius had gotten out of his bed and was closing the distance between them. Remus found it really unfair that he didn't bother to get dressed. A naked Sirius was _distracting_.

"I-I knew how you'd react," he defended himself. Gods, he needed some tea!

"So you just don't mention anything I might disagree with?" asked Sirius incredulously.

"That's not what I meant. _Please_, Sirius, I'm only half awake and I need to get to work."

"So _where_ exactly do you work?" asked Sirius with hardly restrained anger.

"Why do you want to know? It's an antique shop. You're not interested in that kind of stuff."

"Why? You are seriously asking me _why_? Well, first of all you're my friend and I'm interested in your fucking life! Secondly, you might remember that we had it off together last night, which was bloody amazing, and I'm interested in spending some extra time with you.-" Remus blushed. "- And thirdly, _Lupin_, I'm sick of you sneaking away from me and closing me out at every opportunity." Sirius was irate and positively looming over Remus.

"I'm _not_ sneaking off. Damn, Sirius, I haven't been swimming and sunbathing over the last month. I helped my mother. I was trying to get and, more importantly, _keep_ a job. I had to find an affordable flat and while doing all that I had to fight off the people from the Beast Division-" snapped Remus.

"Beast Division?" asked Sirius bewildered.

"Yes, _werewolf_, remember? I cannot move wherever I want, I have to prove that it's safe for everyone around. I cannot start to work somewhere new without telling the wizard at the Werewolf Registry who is in charge of me," replied Remus wearily. Before he could go on, he felt Sirius' hand on his shoulder.

"Moony…"

"No, there are some things I have to go through alone, Sirius, because you _cannot _understand." Remus looked up to meet Sirius' eyes. The anger was gone and had been replaced by concern.

"Come on, I'll make you tea," said Sirius with a crooked smile. "And before you leave, you'll tell me where the hell you work. I haven't anything to do today so I'll pick you up after work. No, you can't keep me away. I'm a brash bugger, remember?" Sirius had obviously regained his cockiness.

Remus sighed in resignation. "Just do me a favour, okay?"

"What?"

"Get dressed! I really need that job." And with that he slapped Sirius' bottom, grinning roguishly, and Apparated into the kitchen.

* * *

Remus arrived at work just in time. The day crept by at a snail's pace and the rain kept most customers away. So, while piling books and dusting bookshelves he had enough time to think about Sirius' words. To say the truth, he didn't really think about the _words_ but about what they had done the preceding evening. Whenever his thoughts trailed off to that particular part of the day, he couldn't help smiling. Sirius was right, it had been bloody brilliant. Remus avoided thinking about where sleeping together would leave them. 

When he was almost finished the doorbell rang once more. Sighing, Remus went to greet the late customer and stopped dead when it turned out to be Sirius.

"What are you doing in here? I'm still working," he hissed but couldn't suppress a little smile at the sight of a very soaked Sirius Black. He strongly reminded him of a wet dog.

"Yeah, I can see that you're really busy," japed Sirius in return, tossing his hair around like he would have done in his Animagus form. "Honestly, Moony, it's as silent as a grave."

"That's because of the weather."

"Sure thing. This place is probably overrun when the sun is shining."

"Can't you just wait outside?" asked Remus, exasperated.

"Hell no!" Sirius explored the shop the way he did everything else. He touched almost everything, opened this and that book, dripping shamelessly on the floor. Remus watched him. Sirius wore Muggle clothes, something he did not often do. But unlike most pure-blood wizards including James Potter, he had a knack for fashion and always picked the right thing. So despite the fact that he was completely soaked he was incredibly attractive in his black jeans and dark red shirt.

"I'm bored," said Sirius into the silence, turning around to where Remus was standing and watching him amusedly. "What? You're bored, too."

"Keep it down, I really like having this job."

"Yeah, especially because you're surrounded by all these boring Muggle books. They don't talk to you, they don't curse you, nor do they sing or bite."

"That's not too bad actually," mumbled Remus.

"Mr Lupin, is that a customer?" sounded a tremulous voice from the rear.

"Yes, Mr Moth, sir. I'm taking care of him, sir." answered Remus quickly, shooting Sirius a warning glance.

"Good lad!" came the shaky response. Sirius snorted.

A quarter of an hour later Remus and Sirius hurried into a dirty and deserted cul-de-sac and Apparated, unseen by Muggles, next to The Leaky Cauldron.

"Merlin, I'm starving," complained Sirius.

"You always are," chuckled Remus. They went inside the pub, found an empty table and ordered Pumpkin juice, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

"So," mumbled Sirius between two bites. "Am I going to see your place tonight or will you come over to mine?"

Remus stared at him, pleasantly surprised. Apparently, Sirius really wanted to spend more time with him. But there was no way he was taking him to his flat.

"Moony, I take it you didn't believe me when I said I wanted to spend some extra time with you." Only Sirius could manage to chew in a way that screamed indignation. "What do you take me for?"

"Sirius Black?" suggested Remus dryly.

"Oh, come off it!" Sirius waved his hand dismissively. "It's going to be fun. If you haven't forgotten what fun is after one day in that cemetery of a shop?" Sirius looked up from his plate. "Pleeeeaaaase, Moony?" he whined, using the puppy look nobody was able to resist.

"Okay, I'm going to come over to your place." Remus found himself deliriously happy at the thought of spending another night with Sirius and the boy opposite of him smiled so happy and relieved a smile that Remus felt a curious warmth in his stomach.

"But no more jokes about my job. I'm serious!" Remus tried a stern look.

"Nah, that wouldn't be fun," grinned Sirius dirtily. "Besides, I plan on putting my mouth to a more enjoyable task."

"Padfoot!" Remus flushed.

"Have your thoughts in the gutter already, haven't you? Excellent, Mr Moony. Honestly, I'll cook something for us while you're getting your clothes for tomorrow."

"You're already eating dinner!" Remus rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and woall knowow long that's gonnlast," munched Sirius. Remus chuckled.

* * *

Later, when he was again alone in his flat, Remus scolded himself for postponing the inevitable. Sirius had been nice enough not to insist on seeing Remus' flat, probably because he, too, wasn't keen on having another argument on the same day. But his friends would eventually find out where he lived and they would not be amused since all of them, especially Sirius and James, felt protective of him. Come to think of it, James would probably flail Sirius alive if he ever found out about their – whatever they had. But Remus was used to having secrets and James could be rather thick, so keeping it from him wouldn't be difficult at all. And he didn't expect Sirius to blab something out because he knew James even better than himself. 

Remus summoned his razor and his toothbrush from the bathroom, determined to shower at Sirius' house. Clear water was always preferable to yellow and rusty water. It wasn't as if Sirius was taking advantage of him or that they were romantically involved. They were friends, who were by chance physically attracted to each other. Remus was resolved to enjoy this situation as long as possible. It had felt bloody amazing to let go and enjoy another body without feeling self-conscious all the time or being afraid of awkward questions about his scars. It was great to be looked at as if he was actually, well, handsome. His annoying voice of reason, which tried to interject that it being Sirius _did_ actually matter a lot, was resolutely quieted. When he had finished packing, he Disapparated with a POP.

* * *

When Remus arrived in Sirius' kitchen a delicious smell hit him. Sirius had obviously been serious about actually _cooking_ something. And apparently, his cooking skills weren't as bad as he always pretended. Sirius stood with his back to him and hadn't noticed his presence yet. He was still wearing Muggle clothes and Remus strongly approved of that since he could have a good look at the other boy's behind. He slowly sneaked up to Sirius and breathed deliberately at the back of his exposed neck before he whispered "Smells good, Pads." 

Sirius scared up and let out a startled gasp before he turned around and barked his trademark laugh. "Moony, I swear you should be the one called Padfoot. You scared the shit out of me."

Remus grinned, pleased with himself. "Er, Pads, why do you play starving bachelor when you're apparently doing just fine?" He scanned through everything Sirius was preparing for their second dinner and couldn't help being impressed.

"Well, you haven't tried any of it yet, but you're right, it's going to be delicious. As to your most insolent question," Sirius smirked, "I just don't want to disappoint the ladies. They expect me to be starving and who am I to displease them? Think about it, what would women be doing if men were just fine without them?" Sirius waved his wand lazily and the potatoes in the pan were turned.

"Nah, it's better like that. Besides, I can't advertise my impressive talent, lest everyone had actual expectations I was supposed to meet. So, Moony, feel special! I don't cook for everyone." Sirius gave him a cocky smile.

"So this," Remus made an encompassing gesture, "this is for _seduction_?" He raised an eyebrow and looked sceptically at Sirius, who let out another bark of laughter before he turned around abruptly.

"Well, I could have done that," and with that he slid a hand over Remus' crotch. Remus, who hadn't expected anything like that, jumped back, which provoked another mischievous laugh from Sirius. "But I figured that you'd prefer having dinner." Remus glared at Sirius, only too aware of his body's reaction to Sirius' teasing. Sirius grinned dirtily and went back to cooking.

Remus took a deep breath. "So now that you've made your intentions clear, is your victim allowed to take a shower?" he asked dryly.

"I told you yesterday that you don't have to ask for a bloody shower." Sirius didn't turn around, so Remus decided it was time for revenge. With the nails of his right hand he scratched over Sirius' back, knowing exactly the effect it would have on him. He felt the other boy shiver and tense.

"Well, see you then," he grinned and ran out of the kitchen before Sirius could hex him.

* * *

It was dark outside when they had finished eating and doing the dishes, magically of course. They had gone on teasing each other with casual and not so casual touches, flirting remarks and sultry glances until Sirius was painfully aware of his persistent erection. But he had rarely spent a nicer evening and seeing Remus relaxed and at ease with the world, laughing and flirting, was worth it. When Remus was like this, he felt himself drawn to him like a moth to the flame. 

"Padfoot?" he heard Remus calling him from his living room.

"I'll be there in a sec," called Sirius back, grabbing a bottle of Firewhiskey and two glasses. When he entered the living room his breath caught. Remus was sitting on the sofa, that Sirius had charmed so that it looked just like the one in Gryffindor Tower, his face illuminated by the fire and his eyes fixed on _him_. It was a predatory gaze and so fraught with heat and desire that Sirius felt instantly hot and dizzy.

"Can we skip the brotherly drinking part and move on to what you suggested earlier today?" asked Remus, smiling seductively. Sirius, who would never have thought that the sight of Remus' slender and sinewy arms, halfway covered by an ordinary shirt, could be so utterly erotic, swallowed hard.

"Sounds okay to me," replied Sirius, trembling slightly with anticipation. He swiftly crossed the distance between them, depositing the bottle and glasses on the table, and bent over Remus to give him a greedy kiss. Steadying him against the sofa, he slid one hand under Remus' shirt. It had only been last night that he had touched Remus but he shortly entertained the thought of ripping his clothes off to feel more of him. Remus drew him closer and Sirius came over and straddled him. He slipped off Remus' shirt in a flowing movement and gasped when he felt the other boy's nails on his back again.

"I take it you like this," teased Remus between kisses.

"Cheeky, aren't you," replied Sirius, fumbling with Remus' fly. He heard the other boy moan when he slipped down to his knees, trailing kisses over Remus' chest and sliding his tongue over well-known scars. Remus raised his hips for Sirius to pull his jeans and pants off and Sirius threw them aside. Kneeling in front of Remus, Sirius looked up at him. Remus' golden eyes were avid and needy and they grew wide when Sirius began to stroke him. Sirius smiled complacently before he trailed kisses up Remus' thighs.

"_Sirius_," he heard Remus gasp when he covered him with his mouth while continuing the rhythmic movement of his hand. Teasing him with his tongue and lips, he watched Remus gradually losing himself. Sirius felt Remus' fingers, entwined in his hair, clench and heard his breath grow erratic. Remus' little gasps and moans went straight to his own cock, which pressed painfully against the constraint of his jeans. Closing his eyes, Sirius concentrated on the task at hand.

"_Gods... Sirius_!" He felt Remus' loins tense and opened his eyes just in time to see Remus come undone. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Swallowing the searing gush against his throat, he drank in the sight of Remus on the edge of total bliss.

Sirius threw himself on the sofa next to Remus, who sank against him with a contented sigh and drew him into a deep and mind-blowing kiss.

"I take it you liked it then," grinned Sirius against Remus' mouth. He lost his smile and his grip on reality when Remus showed him how much he had liked it.

* * *

They had moved into the shower and from there into the bedroom in the course of the evening, exploring their bodies eagerly. When they finally fell back into the sheets, satiated and both beaming foolishly with happiness, it was well beyond midnight. 

"We should have done that ages ago," smiled Sirius sleepily, drawing Remus closer. The other boy was snuggled against him, one leg spread over Sirius' legs and his head resting against Sirius' chest. This intimate felicity was new to Sirius but he revelled in the scent of Remus' damp hair and the pleasant weight of his body against his own.

"Hmm," murmured Remus. Sirius could feel his smile against his skin when he added "And now shut up, I want to sleep." Sirius grinned at that and listened to Remus' gradually deepening breath, lazily trailing little patterns with his fingers on Remus' back. Feeling sleepy himself, he closed his eyes but sleep didn't enter his head for a while, he felt too elated. Sirius wondered dozily why someone as unobtrusive as Remus could make him feel this way. After all, he had known him for years without feeling anything more than friendship. It didn't bother him that Remus was a bloke but he had certainly never wanted to shag James or Peter. Shrugging these thoughts off, he pulled a blanket over them and dozed off.

* * *

"You're late," remarked James when Sirius arrived breathlessly inside Gambol & Japes. 

"Sorry, mate, I…I kind of overslept," answered Sirius. Remus and he had actually been up early but had got, well, distracted.

"Oh, you resumed your immoral lifestyle, why didn't you say so?" winked James. "Who's the flavour of the week?"

Sirius suppressed the desire to hex James for speaking of Moony as the flavour of the week, even unknowingly.

"Just shut it, Prongs," he snapped. Lying to James was unwonted but since there was no way his best friend would understand what he and Remus had, he accepted the necessity and brushed his feelings of guilt aside.

"Touchy, aren't we?" replied James, good-humoured. He looked conspicuously happy.

"Let's go to Gringotts first, I'm short of Galleons," said Sirius, feeling actually quite happy himself. They went to the Wizarding Bank and after Sirius had withdrawn a reasonable sum, they stopped at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. Sirius enjoyed the mildly warm day and Fortescue's excellent ice cream.

"Lily and I had sex," blurted James out between spoons of strawberry ice cream.

"Er…congrats, mate? When?" asked Sirius, taken by surprise.

"Sunday night, after we left your place," beamed James. Through his glasses, his hazel eyes were glowing with happiness. "I really love her, Pads. I mean, I've known that since third year but when I held her in my arms Sunday night, I felt like the luckiest bloke in the world. It just felt right."

"I'm happy for you both," Sirius interrupted James' cheerful babbling. Something about James' words unsettled him.

A sudden high-pitched scream pierced through the peaceful atmosphere of Diagon Alley. James and Sirius jumped off their chair, drawing their wands. A loud crack reverberated through the street. Sirius and James nodded at each other and sprinted off to where they suspected the source of trouble.

They didn't have to run far. Several witches and wizards were running out of the building, which accommodated Obscurus Books. A regal looking middle-aged witch came backwards out of the building, fiercely shooting hexes back into the house. She was supported by two young men, whom Sirius recognised as Fabian and Gideon Prewett. One after the other, the attackers came into view. Six masked and hooded figures appeared. Sirius felt his anger rising and after renewed eye contact with James, they joined the battle. Fabian Prewett looked up in alarm when Sirius' _Expelliarmus_ whooshed over him, disarming one tall Death Eater. After recognising Sirius and James, Fabian grimly continued his fight.

"_Stupefy_!" James shouted next to him and a skinny Death Eater was hit by the bolt of red light out of James' wand and fell to the ground.

"Good aim," the middle-aged witch complimented James between two hexes.

The battle went on for quite some time but although the Death Eaters outnumbered them by two, it became obvious that they were losing. Three of them were already put out of action and finally a female Death Eater ordered them to retreat. Sirius recognised the voice and bristled with anger.

"BELLA!" he shouted after the slowly retreating figure. The witch came to a sudden halt and although he couldn't see her face, Sirius knew that she was grinning her mad smile. She saluted him before she Disapparated with a loud POP. And then there was silence.

"You knew her?" asked James, frowning.

"Yeah, you do, too. It was my cousin Bellatrix," answered Sirius grimly. "Besides, you do remember why I left my family?"

"Oh, sorry, Pads, I didn't mean it to sound reproachful." James looked abashed.

"You two are a godsend!" exclaimed the regal looking witch. She had a bleeding cut at her brow and her robes were torn in several places.

"That's James Potter…and this is Sirius Black," Fabian introduced them. "Black, Potter, this is Marlene McKinnon."

"Sirius _Black_?" McKinnon shot him a scrutinising look but then she smiled. "The white sheep and disowned heir! Pleased to meet you!"

"Why were Death Eaters attacking a publishing house?" asked James after they had exchanged the usual courtesies.

"Easy! Obscurus Books has just published a new book by Marlene here. It's a political eye-opener and Voldemort doesn't like that at all," explained Gideon Prewett. Two soft Apparition POPs startled them up. They all had their wands at the ready but breathed a sigh of relief when the newcomers turned out to be Albus Dumbledore and Alastor Moody, the famous Auror.

"My team will be here any minute," snarled Moody, constantly checking the environment.

"It was lucky that the Prewett brothers were here, Albus," said McKinnon.

"And even more lucky that Potter and Black were here," added Gideon, whose right arm was burned. Dumbledore shot James and Sirius a curious glance.

"I should have foreseen this attack. Is anyone seriously injured?" asked Dumbledore gravely.

"Not too bad. Up in the second floor, where they attacked out of the blue, there are some broken limbs and a few burns and cuts, I reckon," said McKinnon matter-of-factly.

Half an hour later, when Healers scurried around, Aurors secured the building and reporters scribbled excitedly on their notepads, Dumbledore took James and Sirius aside.

"Well, James, your parents will be proud of you. And certainly of you too, Sirius," Dumbledore nodded appreciatively. "You've shown great bravery, today. But you have always been Gryffindors at heart," he winked. Sirius and James grinned at each other.

"I have an offer for you and your friends. As you are well aware, Voldemort is gaining power and spreading fear, terror and distrust. Ministry Aurors alone cannot master this situation. We're at war, gentlemen." Dumbledore heaved a sigh before he went on. "That's why I founded the Order of the Phoenix. You may have heard of it already. We are trying to prevent attacks or at least to be there as fast as possible, which is most of the time before the Aurors arrive. It's dangerous but we need young and competent witches and wizards. Can I count you in?" Dumbledore's deep blue eyes met Sirius' grey ones.

"You can count on me," Sirius said fiercely and without hesitation.

"And me," said James just as fierce.

"And Remus and Peter will be joining, too," Sirius added.

"Sirius, I don't doubt your loyalty and neither should you doubt the loyalty of your friends if one of them didn't want to risk his life in such a manner," said Dumbledore softly. Sirius blushed. Of course, Peter wasn't the bravest of them and Remus had enough troubles in keeping his job and surviving the full moon.

"Nevertheless, I'll send an owl to both of them and Ms Evans--" Dumbledore made a pacifying gesture with his hand at James' disapproving outcry. "--Yes, James, Ms Evans has every right to choose for herself, as have Mr Lupin and Mr Pettigrew. Within the next week you will receive an invitation to your first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix. Till then, take care of yourselves and those you love."

…_to be continued

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First of all, enormous hugs and delicious cookies for my reviewers. _Envious much? ;) Join the club and **review** yourself!  
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	11. us

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I don't own anything remotely related to James Joyce's Dubliners or The Doors, either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Yeah, well, the freaky lit student in me loves the idea of intertextuality. That's why there is an allusion to Dubliners.

* * *

_chapter eleven: us_

The last months of 1978 went by in a blur. Remus' days were filled with work, little errands for the Order and Sirius. Of course he had joined the Order, even though he knew that some of its members wouldn't want to know him if they ever recognised him for the dark creature that he was. He had lost his job at the antique shop when the geriatric owner died. After weeks of frustrating unemployment he had found a new job at a Wizarding pet shop in Kent whose owner regarded him with a kind of fearful fascination. Remus felt like a depersonalised entity every time he flooed into the shop but he desperately needed the money.

In October, they had diagnosed Lily's mother with a rare form of leukaemia and the Evanses were devastated. James was spending most of his time with Lily in hospital and the other Marauders saw very little of the two of them in December.

Remus had come to transform in an old cellar by his mother's cottage. He asked his friends to stay away but at least Peter and Sirius came every time and despite having to comfort Lily, James managed to come quite frequently as well. Once James suggested to use the Shrieking Shack again but let the topic rest when Remus explained that he didn't have an excuse to stay near school children and endanger their lives anymore.

Christmas came and went, it was a sad occasion for almost all of them. Peter spent Christmas with his parents, who were about to get a divorce, Remus and his mother were constantly reminded of Marcus' death and James and Lily spent the night with her parents in hospital again.

But there was some cause to celebrate, too, when James proposed to Lily at Christmas Eve in front of Lily's parents. She accepted and was rewarded with a beaming James and a exceptionally happy mother. Remus could still hear James' cheerful outburst in his head

"_She said yes! Remus, she said YES!"_

Sirius refused all invitations for the holidays and as far as Remus knew he did something for the Order and got ridiculously drunk afterwards. To Remus' surprise Sirius showed a fierce devotion to both, the Order and him. He had expected him to get tired of their – whatever they had – after a few weeks but Remus still shared Sirius' bed several times a week. Sirius went on occasional dates with some girl or other but Remus got the impression that he only did it to keep up appearances, though one could never be sure with Sirius Black.

Being the focus of Sirius' attention scared Remus. It was hard to resist his magnetic and overwhelming presence and not to lose himself in their togetherness. Sometimes, at night in Sirius' arms, Remus caught himself getting carried away with the possibility of joint happiness.

And then, just a couple of days after New Year, Lily's mother died. It came as a surprise because she had been quite steady over the holidays. Lily was beside herself with grief and so she missed that the funeral was arranged on the day of the full moon. Of course Lily had invited the four Marauders to the funeral and Remus would have loved to come. Lily had always been a good and understanding friend and he knew what pain she was in. But it was too late to postpone the ceremony without explaining his furry little problem to Petunia Evans, Lily's older sister, which was out of the question.

So Remus visited Lily the day before the full moon and accepted the fact that he would have to spend another moon alone. Sirius however informed him of the other Marauders' decision that _he_ would spend the night with Remus since he could not stand funerals anyway. Remus tried to persuade him to go with James and Peter nonetheless. But in the end he was grateful for his friend's pigheadedness, for the wolf was wild and it was an especially rough night.

* * *

"Moony, this is going to burn a little," Sirius warned him, after he had carried Remus from the little cellar at his mother's cottage into the living room and had laid him on the sofa. 

"Fuck, Pads, it's burning like hell already," growled Remus weakly. Sirius smiled sadly at Remus' atypical choice of vocabulary and worked the healing salves into Remus' overstretched and bruised skin. His strong but gentle hands felt wonderful and Remus was about to doze off when he heard his mother from under the door frame.

"Remus, darling, can I bring you something before you leave?"

"No thanks, mom, I'm fine. Just tired," answered Remus. He just wanted to get home and get a few hours sleep in his own bed.

"I'll take you home," whispered Sirius close to his ear. Remus gave him a half-smile.

"Either you're a damn good Legilimens or you can read my mind. I can manage on my own, though," he said softly. Sirius gave him one dark look.

"Moony, you're in no condition to Apparate on your own and as far as I know – and we both know I don't know much about it – this mysterious flat of yours hasn't got a fireplace," said Sirius forcefully. Remus felt a flash of guilt because his friends and especially Sirius were only concerned about his well-being and he had hidden his flat from them for about five months.

Sirius interpreted his silence correctly and went on. "Listen, you can come to my place but you look like you need your own bed." Remus' resolve crumbled.

"Alright, Pads, but try to keep your voice down when you rant about my flat, my walls are thin," he said, defeated. Sirius shot him a grim look.

They said their goodbyes to his mother and after giving Sirius directions, Remus held on to Sirius' broad shoulders and felt the nauseous feeling of Apparition wash over him. They Apparated into his living room and when Sirius helped him into his bedroom, Remus felt him tense at the sight of his flat. But surprisingly, his friend kept his mouth shut.

"So, can I bring you anything else? Tea maybe?" asked Sirius when Remus lay curled up in his bed, surrounded by chocolate, biscuits, books and additional blankets, for the heating didn't work properly and the place was chilly.

"Tea would be nice, thanks," smiled Remus before he remembered the unique quality of the water in his flat. "Er, use a Cleaning charm before you boil the water," he called after Sirius, slightly abashed. He heard his friend mutter something under his breath but decided it was better not to know what it was.

"I'll be back tomorrow around noon, okay?" asked Sirius when he returned with the tea. Remus felt slightly disappointed but smiled approval. "Look, I'd stay but if you don't want me to get angry with you for living in this _hellhole_, I'd better go before I have to use the bathroom."

"I see. Thanks, Pads, see you tomorrow then," Remus said uncomfortably.

"You're welcome," growled Sirius but gave him a quick kiss before he Disapparated.

* * *

The doorbell woke him, from what his alarm clock told him, four hours later. Remus slipped out of bed and hobbled slowly to the door. 

"Mom?" Remus asked, surprised.

"Yes, darling, it's me. I know that you didn't expect visitors and I'll be gone soon enough…it's just…we need to talk," his mother said hesitantly, walking towards the sofa and settling onto it. Remus closed the door and followed his mother, extremely puzzled. His mother rarely came over to his place.

"So, what do we need to talk about?" asked Remus politely when he had sat down next to her.

"You and Sirius," replied his mother bluntly. Remus felt panic well up inside him.

"What about me and Sirius," he said defensively. "He is my friend and you've known him for years."

"Today he looked at you in a more than friendly manner."

"Mom!" Remus was shocked. Were they that obvious? His mother saw him about thrice a month, if she noticed then what about his friends --

"Remus?" asked his mother softly, interrupting his panicked train of thoughts.

"We're just friends!" said Remus adamantly.

"Well, if I'm wrong and you're just friends then there's no problem at all. But if I'm right you're in serious trouble."

"Why? Wh-what are you talking about?"

"Remus, do I really need to tell you? You're a werewolf and now you're gay on top of that."

"I'm not," Not exclusively, he added silently and blushed at the thought of having this conversation with his mother.

"Be that as it may, I'm not here to judge you. But what are your other friends going to say? How will they react? Have you thought about that? And Sirius? He is capricious and a flirt and although I'm grateful for everything he has done for you, it is a fact that he's not the most reliable person walking the earth. I've seen his influence on you more than once. Remus, you'd be doing everything for him and that's bad."

"Mom, that's not true. I'd be doing _almost_ everything for him because he's my _friend_."

"He's your _lover_ or he wants to be. Stop lying to me, Remus! Look around you! You're already a social outcast. Do you want him to get involved? Oh, he will probably stand his ground but sooner or later, he'll hate you. He has never known denigration the way you have. Which side would James and Peter choose if they had to decide between the two of you? " His mother looked at him, scrutinising. She had brought up his own fears, everything that had been gnawing at his mind for weeks.

"Mom, we're not a couple, we're not in love," he said wearily after a pause, feeling extremely exhausted.

"You've always been a good liar but don't forget that I'm your mother. So maybe _you_ are not in love but can you speak for him? Sirius Black has a captivating personality and he always gets what he wants, especially from you. So ask yourself whether you could deal with the consequences of being loved by him and whether you would be able to go on if you lost it."

Remus was at a loss for words.

"Remus, darling, I'm worried about you, that's why I'm here. You know that I love you, no matter what."

"I know, mom." Remus voice was hardly audible. His whole body was aching as if he had gone through a transformation all over again. Why did his mother know him so well? Why did she talk about love? He wasn't in love, Sirius wasn't in love, they were just having it off now and then. Oh, come on, said the small voice in his head, it's more than that. And Remus realised that he shouldn't have let this happen. It had become more serious than he had ever wanted it to be. Liar, accused the little voice dryly, but Remus shrugged it off.

"Good. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. But you needed to _understand_. You're so young, Remus, you'll find a partner. Someone you can rely on. Someone you can trust with your heart." His mother looked at him lovingly and then she leaned over and planted a kiss on his forehead. Her familiar scent lulled him.

"Go back to bed, darling. You look exhausted. I'll find the door myself."

"Yes, …thanks," said Remus when his mother was at the door. She nodded and left, leaving him alone with his worst fears.

* * *

Sirius was in a good mood when he left the bike shop. It was freezing cold outside and the owner had looked at him as if he was completely mad for buying a motorbike in midwinter but Sirius never gave a damn about what other people thought. 

He now owned a monstrously beautiful black motorbike. He grinned maniacally at the mere thought of riding it at full speed. Yes, it was second hand but that didn't matter since it was in excellent shape.

After taking it to his house he flooed to James and dragged him over to his place.

"Great, isn't it?" Sirius beamed at his friend.

"It bloody well is, mate. Lily would go berserk if I ever bought one of these, but you're going to lend it to me, aren't you?" James was rubbing his hands and his eyes were gleaming with excitement.

"In your dreams, Potter. This baby is mine!" Sirius laughed his trademark bark of a laugh.

"The ladies love you already, they will freak out when they see you on this," remarked James enviously.

"Yeah," grinned Sirius smugly. James didn't have to know that he was more interested in the reaction of people of the male persuasion. He still liked girls alright but none of them had ever been special to him.

"Have Wormtail and Moony seen this yet?" asked James, his eyes still fixed on the black bike in front of him.

"Nah, you're first, mate." James grinned happily at that.

"But speaking of Moony, have you seen his flat by now?" James added, frowning slightly.

"Yes," growled Sirius. "Although I wouldn't call it a flat, I'd call it a fucking eyesore."

"That bad, huh?" asked James.

"The Shrieking Shack was a palace compared to this place," replied Sirius.

"Well, you have space enough here, why don't you ask him to move in with you?"

Sirius choked and turned a funny shade of red. "No fucking way!"

James looked up, surprised. "Why the hell not?"

"Because…er, because Moony would take my offer for pity and you know that he doesn't like to be pitied. Besides he doesn't really approve of my lifestyle," Sirius smiled wryly. He would have asked Moony, of course he would have asked him. But they were shagging on a regular basis and so shacking up with him was really out of the question.

"Yeah, well, you don't bonk around so much lately. Come to think of it, you two spend lots of time together, which does both of you good. But you're probably right about this. He wouldn't want it," muttered James. Sirius stared at his friend. Since when was James actually paying attention? Damn him!

"C'mon, I want to make this baby fly! Use this inflated head of yours and come up with the proper charm," Sirius changed the topic.

Three hours later they were both frozen solid but they had charmed the bike more or less successfully and tested it.

"Merlin's balls, I don't feel mine anymore."

"Your what?" asked James, shivering with cold.

"My balls," grinned Sirius.

"Let's go inside then, you frozen moron," said James, rolling his eyes.

"Oh _shit_, I forgot the time. Lily is going to gut me!" hissed James after one look at the clock in the living room. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Her sister is going to marry a horrible Muggle named Vernon. Petunia wants Lily to be a bridesmaid, maybe because she promised it to their mother. Merlin knows she can't stand her. However, I promised to pick her up half an hour ago." James hurriedly explained, rushing over to the fireplace.

"Cheers, mate," Sirius said but James was already gone, having disappeared in green flames.

* * *

Two weeks later Sirius parked his motorbike in front of Remus' building. His friend had been working a lot lately or at least that's what he said. Sirius was slowly getting the sneaking suspicion that Remus was avoiding him. It was a rainy but moderately warm day in February, hence Sirius could show off his new leather jacket and biker boots. Muggle clothes were fun to wear and he loved the effect he had on both, men and women. He checked his watch and knew he was right on time to catch Remus returning from work. 

Nothing prepared him for the sight he caught in the staircase. Remus stood in front of his flat and was kissing a dark-haired stranger. His arms were wrapped around the other man's waist and they were obviously having too much fun to notice him. Sirius felt a flash of anger and something else he hadn't felt in relation to Remus before.

"Hey, Remus," he said coldly. Remus pulled away from his kissing partner and looked at him, startled at the sound of his voice. He turned a slight shade of red.

"Oh, hi Pads," he mumbled, looking from him to the stranger. "Er, this is Keith."

"Whatever," snarled Sirius. He took the last steps until he was on the same level as the other two. Keith was apparently uncomfortable with the situation. He was quite attractive with his dark and wavy hair and his prominent face. Sirius estimated him to be two or three years older than Remus. Sirius really wanted to beat him bloody.

"Keith, I'm sorry, this is Sirius," Remus broke the tense silence.

"I figured as much. You didn't tell me you had a steady lover," said Keith nervously. Something about Sirius' look must have unsettled him.

"No, you moron, that's my _name_. And I'm not his steady whatever you want to call it. I'm his friend," snapped Sirius, stepping up to the older man. Oh, he really wished he could hex this guy into little pieces!

"A _friend_? Then why do you act like his jealous boyfriend?" _Jealous boyfriend_? Keith or whatever he was called would rue this day for the rest of his life! Sirius reached for his wand inside his jacket but was held back by Remus' hand wrapped around his wrist.

"Keith," said Remus softly. "It's better you, er…go. I'll call you."

"Sure?" asked Keith, a little too anxious for Sirius' taste. When Remus nodded, Keith headed towards the staircase and was soon out of sight.

"Remus –" started Sirius.

"Not here, come inside," interjected Remus sharply. He unlocked his door and pushed Sirius inside.

"What was that all about?" Remus asked as soon as the door closed behind him. Sirius glared at him.

"You know, I like Keith and your little scene was uncalled for."

"I like Pete, I don't snog him though," countered Sirius, anger welling up inside him.

"So he was right, you're jealous! I can't believe it," exclaimed Remus incredulously.

"Come off it, I'm not jealous," protested Sirius vehemently. "But you rather spend time with him than with me? I can't believe _that_!"

"WHAT? I told you I had to work."

"I just saw how busy you are," sneered Sirius.

"Sirius, what exactly is your problem? I'm not your property. You go on dates all the time and I don't make a fuss about it," Remus went on, anger colouring his cheeks.

"MY PROBLEM IS YOUR FUCKING SECRECY," roared Sirius.

"Keep it down," hissed Remus. "I didn't know that I had to introduce you to everyone I shag," he added harshly. Sirius felt like being kicked in the stomach. Unwanted images of Keith and Remus, naked and kissing passionately, triggered the urge to vomit. Sirius swallowed hard and brushed the picture aside.

"Oh, that's rich, Remus. _Excuse me_ for worrying about you. I came here to show you my motorbike, which you still haven't seen because you're_ busy_ shagging Keith."

"This isn't about Keith, Sirius," snapped Remus.

"NO, IT'S ABOUT US," shouted Sirius back.

"There is no _us_," said Remus in a low voice but it reverberated louder in the following silence than Sirius' shouting.

Sirius blinked several times. Remus bit his lip nervously and looked extremely unhappy.

"Look, Padfoot, you're my best friend." Sirius snorted.

"Stop being an arse. You are my best friend. But look at you! You get all worked up when you see me kissing someone else. This thing between you and me is getting too serious. I don't want to lose your friendship over some stupid shagging," said Remus sadly.

"That's all it is to you?" asked Sirius disbelievingly.

"No, of course not. But that's the point, it should be! And it shouldn't keep either of us from dating other people."

"Like Keith," said Sirius dryly.

"Like Keith, yes. He's a nice guy and he doesn't ask too many questions."

"And if he ever does, you can easily get rid of him, can't you? Because he doesn't mean anything to you." Sirius' voice was cold and he could hardly restrain his anger.

"So says the guy who snogged himself through Hogwarts since he was fourteen. You used to mock me for being a little bit more selective," scoffed Remus but he didn't look Sirius in the eyes and there was a desperate edge to his voice. In fact, he pressed himself against his kitchenette like a helpless animal. Sirius was well aware that there was more to Remus' newfound indifference but he was too far gone to care.

"Fine! I won't spoil your fun again. Go on, date fucking Keith or the bloody rest of the world, if that's what you want!" Sirius said nastily and glared at him. Remus flinched.

"I'm not you, Sirius. I can't take everything I want whenever I want it. This is just too much for me…you…you're like a train running over everything, no matter what's in your way and what damage you do. I do hold my friends in higher regard because I don't have so many of them, Sirius. But you never think of the consequences and everything's a game to you. Well, why don't you go and play with someone else?" Remus was trembling under Sirius' disdainful gaze and the desperate tone in his voice was even more pronounced.

The thick silence that followed seemed to suffocate both of them. Sirius felt sick and just wanted to get as far away from Remus Lupin as possible.

"Well, then enjoy your newly regained distance to the world and all the people, who aren't too afraid to take risks now and then, Remus. I'm through with you 'cause all you ever gave me were lies and excuses," Sirius spat venomously and stormed past Remus into the staircase and down to his motorbike. He drove off at full speed without looking back.

…_to be continued

* * *

Please don't hate Remus' mother or - even worse - me for this chapter. ;) It's not supposed to be a happy story but it's not the end, either. _

Thanks to all my reviewers! Unfortunately, I won't be able to update more than once a week for a while because my profs actually expect term papers from me! Shocking, isn't it? ;)_  
_

**Now that you've read it, please review!**


	12. facing the truth

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Many thanks to my two beta readers again. I couldn't live without you ;). No warnings, no quotes.

* * *

_chapter twelve: facing the truth_

"Oh _brilliant_," exclaimed James. Sirius and Peter looked up from the game of Wizard's chess they were engaged in.

"What's wrong?" asked Peter.

"Guess who just sent an owl informing us of his renewed absence due to work?"

"Oh, no," groaned Peter. "Moony promised to show up this time. I've bugged him for two hours last Sunday. You know, when you two were watching the Tutshill Tornadoes being crushed by the Harpies."

Sirius only frowned and turned back to their game of chess.

Three weeks had gone by since their fight and he hadn't spoken to Remus since. He had seen him at Order meetings but he had done everything in his power not to _see_ him. He had even excused himself at the full moon. But despite his resolution not to think about his werewolf friend Sirius had spent the night awake, staring at the moon. Not that this was out of the ordinary lately. Ever since this cursed encounter his nights were haunted by memories of their nasty argument and he rolled around in his bed uneasily, grinding his teeth with deep frustration and hot anger.

It was like seventh year all over again, only this time he knew how it felt to wake up with the scent of Remus' hair in his nose and the aftertaste of his salty skin on his tongue. Sirius missed falling asleep beside him, he missed Remus' contented smile when they fell sated against each other, and yes, he even missed the way Remus looked at him. He tried to numb the pain, Merlin knew he tried to forget about Remus Lupin altogether. And so Sirius hurled himself into a whirl of anonymous sex, intoxicating substances and ridiculously risky errands for the Order. But every morning he knew that it hadn't been enough and that the emptiness inside him had grown. His friends were worried, he knew that they had noticed a new sharpness to his shape.

But even James couldn't categorise the haunted expression in Sirius' eyes. If they had seen Remus more often they would have found the answer in the misery mirrored in his golden eyes.

"He doesn't look too well lately," added Peter.

"Yeah, we should do something special for his birthday. Only one week, we should start planning." James sat down on an armchair next to Peter and looked expectantly at Sirius. "Any ideas, Padfoot?"

Sirius shrugged indifferently and said coolly, "Get him some new clothes or furnish his flat." Or even better, get him a date, he added bitterly in his head.

"What's got your knickers in a twist?" asked James, frowning.

"Nothing, mate, really…just a headache," said Sirius, playing absent-mindedly with one of his pawns.

"Small wonder," said Peter dryly. "You should try and catch some sleep now and then, you know. In your own bed." Sirius glared at his blonde friend.

"He is right, Pads, you shouldn't overdo the rocker thing," added James.

"If I actually had a mother, I would tell you that I don't need another one and certainly not two of them, " snapped Sirius, rising from his armchair.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm following your benevolent advice," answered Sirius. Confronted with two confused friends, he added "Home."

"But you're coming to the Order meeting tomorrow evening, aren't you?" asked James, still frowning.

"Sure," replied Sirius.

"You almost forgot the last one," interjected Peter hesitantly. Sirius looked at his two friends and heaved a sigh.

"Look, guys, I'm fine. I have a headache, for Merlin's sake. So I _almost_ forgot the last meeting. It's not that I was ever reliable…or punctual for that matter." James grinned at that.

"So really, don't get all worked up over a headache. I'll be there." He stepped over to James and pulled him into a quick and firm hug, mussed up Peter's hair and went over to the fireplace.

"Gomorrah" he said and seconds later he stood in his own fireplace, coughing and a little dustier than usual. He pulled out his wand and cleaned his robes. He hadn't lied to James and Peter. He had a headache. Sirius went into his dark and empty kitchen, took a headache remedy off a shelf and Apparated into his bathroom. After taking a shower he slumped into his bed and tried to find some sleep.

One hour later, he got up again, donned his robes and flooed into the Leaky Cauldron.

* * *

"Remus! Reeeemus, wait!" Lily was waving and beaming at him. Remus sighed and closed the book, which he couldn't afford to buy anyway. He stood in front of Flourish and Blotts, a place he frequented lately. Books were his solace. Nonetheless, he was happy to see the familiar redhead, who was quickly coming up to meet him. 

"Remus, James will be so envious when I tell him that I met you," Lily said excitedly. "How are you?"

"Alright." He shrugged, trying to look casual. It hurt to shun his friends deliberately but being around James always meant being around Sirius. "How's everyone?"

Lily's green eyes pierced into his. "I'm not telling you anything if you don't have lunch with me. You know, _eating_ something. You look as if you haven't done that lately." Remus blushed but she laughed a delightfully bright little laugh and took his arm. They went into the Leaky Cauldron and despite his protests, Lily ordered an opulent lunch for two.

"So what are you doing in Diagon Alley?" asked Remus.

"I was shopping with Alice. Her wedding is in a month and, well," she smiled happily, "I took the opportunity to look for a wedding robe myself."

"Oh, Lily, I'm soooo sorry about your move. I would have been there but then the editor of Witches Weekly owled back and I had to write the article really, really quickly," said Remus in a rush. Lily had moved into the Potters' mansion until the couple found a place of their own. She had also started thinking about her career. Being from a Muggle family, she couldn't understand why qualified wizards like James and Sirius didn't set out to do something useful. Remus had to agree with her. All James and Sirius did was fooling around and doing Order duties.

"No problem, Remus. I read the article and it was really good," Lily smiled her warm smile and Remus felt a surge of affection for his compassionate friend. "Besides, we had help enough. Frank and Alice came over and James' parents helped as well. Oh, and Peter and Sirius had been staying for the entire weekend."

Remus flinched slightly at the mention of Sirius' name, something that didn't escape Lily. She leaned over and put her hand on his. "Remus, what's the matter? You've been avoiding us. Is it about Sirius?"

"Lily, I don't mean to be rude but I really don't want to talk about it," Remus said quietly, staring at the plate in front of him. If Sirius hadn't mentioned anything yet, he certainly wouldn't. But he felt Lily's understanding gaze on him.

"Has he been an indifferent prat again?" asked Lily tentatively.

He looked up and let out a mirthless laugh. "No, surprisingly not."

"Remus, I'm worried. In fact, we all are," argued Lily, frowning. "You're never around and Sirius practically moved back to the Potters. James misses you, Peter does, I do and evidently enough, Sirius misses you, too." Remus shot her a surprised glance. He had hurt Sirius pretty bad. He still shuddered when he remembered the look Sirius had given him. It had been the same he had given Regulus the night Sirius and Remus had kissed in the Owlery and thus Remus had expected him to move on without looking back. After all, Sirius had left his own family because they had disappointed him.

"Did he say so?" asked Remus and instantly bit his tongue for letting slip that he cared.

"No, he didn't. But you know him, Remus, he can be as stubborn as a mule. It says a lot that he doesn't mention you at all when he couldn't shut up about you before," said Lily, still frowning. Remus felt himself blush at the thought of Sirius caring for him so obviously that Lily had noticed.

"I shouldn't be telling you that but you're the reasonable one. He isn't himself, Remus. He must have done something bad because he tries to punish himself for whatever he did this time. I can't explain it otherwise." Lily looked genuinely worried.

"What I did to him," whispered Remus. He had known that he had made a mistake the second Sirius left his flat.

"Please, tell me," pleaded Lily. "Maybe we can fix it." Remus looked at her for a long time, silently arguing with himself.

"Well, there's not much to tell. I hurt him and bruised his pride for what I thought would be best. I'm afraid, there's nothing you can do. He won't forgive me anytime soon," he finally said.

"It can't be that bad. You've certainly forgiven him worse," replied Lily.

"Sirius isn't me," said Remus softly, feeling the familiar emptiness rise again.

"But you can't just accept that, Remus," Lily said incredulously. "You're friendship survived so much already."

Remus took a deep breath. "It's different this time. This isn't about _friendship_…and it was I who messed it up." Lily wore a puzzled look before her eyes widened in comprehension.

"Oh," was all she said and Remus blushed violently. "So you and Sirius…?"

"It's not what you think. It wasn't serious," said Remus hastily. Lily giggled. "Well, yes, of course it was _Sirius_ but it was nothing serious," added Remus, rolling his eyes but smiling at the familiar pun.

Lily looked him straight in the eye. "If it wasn't serious like you say, why aren't you talking?"

Remus was at a loss for words. "I…I don't know. But…it's not important anymore, is it? Whatever it was, it's over. So please, Lily, don't tell anyone." He looked at her pleadingly.

"Of course not, I promise. But only on one condition! You're going to stop playing hide and seek. James and Peter are your friends, too. _I_ am your friend." Lily was adamant.

"Alright," said Remus, smiling. He felt a sudden warmth at her words and for the first time in weeks he believed that it was possible; he would be alright.

* * *

"Hey, bad girl," grinned Sirius into his cousin's ear after sneaking up behind her. She turned around with a squeal. 

"Hi, tear-away," Andromeda called out in surprise and pulled Sirius into a hug. "What's the occasion? I haven't seen you in weeks!" She slapped his arm.

"Do I need one to see my favourite cousin?" Sirius flirted.

"Sirius, you troll!" laughed Andromeda. She had the good looks of the Black family. Black hair fell to her shoulders, her eyes were a deep blue and there was nobody who wouldn't call her a classic beauty. She wasn't as thin and tall as her younger sister Narcissa nor as haughty as her older sister Bellatrix.

"Where's the little nymph?" asked Sirius.

"She's taking a nap. Did you come here to teach her more of these boyish vices of yours? She hasn't stopped belching for weeks!" reproached Andromeda.

"You know I wouldn't lure her away from the path of virtue. Not until she's old enough to go to Hogwarts anyway," grinned Sirius deviously. They sat down in the garden where Andromeda hulled sopophorous beans.

"Can't do that in the house, Nymphadora is everywhere," she sighed. "So, why are you really here? Of course you're as handsome as ever but frankly, you look awful."

"Thanks," Sirius feigned a pout. He wrote to Andromeda quite regularly but didn't visit her very often. She was almost like an older sister to him and certainly the only family member left he could turn to.

"C'mon Sirius, spill it," she said encouragingly.

"I've got a problem with a friend and I can't talk about it to my other friends. Well, actually it's a former friend," he growled sullenly.

"Oh, no, it's not about James, is it?"

"No, of course not! James would _never_ betray me," dismissed Sirius fiercely.

"Remus?" asked Andromeda. Sirius grunted. "Well, I don't know him very well but the couple of times that we met he seemed to be a sweet boy."

"Sweet boy, my arse," snorted Sirius nastily. "He's abandoning his friends in favour of some meaningless dates." Andromeda shot him a scrutinising look.

"Are you jealous of someone in particular? You did the same thing when James started dating Lily Evans."

"No, that was completely different!" argued Sirius, gradually getting upset. "James has been in love with Lily since third year. Remus just bonks around."

"Excuse me, but as far as I know you're doing the same, Mr Double Standard," reminded Andromeda with a sly smile.

"Only because he wants me to," blurted Sirius out before he could stop himself. Andromeda gaped at him. "What?" asked Sirius defiantly. Maybe it had not been a good idea to come there after all. But Andromeda recovered very quickly and gave him a warm smile.

"It's not unheard of in our family. Uncle Alphard swung this way, too; but back to your problem. You two used to date then?" Andromeda looked curious and had stopped hulling beans altogether.

"No. Merlin, no! It's Remus we're talking about. We're friends and friends don't go on dates together. I mean, he's hot and we had some fun together," Sirius leered. Andromeda rolled her eyes but there was an amused smile around the corner of her mouth.

"What's the problem then?"

"I don't know," Sirius answered, exasperated. "He snogged this guy in front of me and then he got all bitchy and told me to get another toy and that this thing we had was getting too serious." Sirius snorted indignantly. "Too serious, my arse!"

"Has it ever occurred to you that he pulled the emergency brake before it was getting to serious for _him_?" Andromeda asked, eyes sparkling with suppressed laughter.

Sirius was puzzled. "I don't know. I haven't talked to him since."

"But you miss him?" she asked.

"No," said Sirius resolutely. Andromeda kept looking at him. "Well, okay maybe…fuck, yes, I do miss him, alright?" Sirius really didn't understand what was so funny. Andromeda snickered at something and it really riled him. "What's so damn funny?"

"Sirius, don't get me wrong," grinned the young woman. "But sometimes you're really thick! Must be the inbreeding." Sirius just glared at her.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, annoyed.

"Do I really need to spell it out for you? Merlin's beard, you're jealous of everyone, who dates your friend, and you feel betrayed because he doesn't want to be exclusively with you. Sirius, you daft git, you're in love with Remus."

Sirius looked at his cousin, completely dumbfounded. "WHAT?"

"You. Are. In. Love. With. Remus," repeated Andromeda pronouncedly.

The truth of her words hit him like a bludger at full speed. He was in love with Remus! Panic welled up inside him. He had _never_ been in love. In fact, he had always mocked everyone, who was silly enough to fall in love. But there was no denying the facts because now everything became clear, started to make sense. He heard James' voice in his head.

_"I really love her, Pads…when I held her in my arms Sunday night, I felt like the luckiest bloke in the world. It just felt right."_

That's what he had felt when holding Remus! How could he have been so blind? Sirius remembered his own voice commenting on dating girls when he and Remus had got drunk in the Room of Requirement.

_"I don't think that any of the girls could be more important -- whatever, I've never dated one who made me dizzy…DIZZY."_

And now he realised that Remus had been making him dizzy for quite some time. Sirius was about to feel euphoric about his epiphany when he remembered another voice.

_"There is no us."_

Remus didn't want him. He had accused him of playing with him. He was shagging Keith. Sirius was feeling nauseous.

"Sirius?" Andromeda's voice cut into his fervent rambling cogitations. Sirius blinked disorientated.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I didn't know that this would come as such a shock to you. You'd better go home and get some rest, you're all white and trembling." Andromeda looked genuinely worried and bit her lip nervously, a gesture that reminded Sirius instantly of Remus. Bugger him! He wanted to get away from his clear-sighted and anxious cousin, needing time to come to terms with this…mess.

"Yeah…I'm sorry…I better go now," Sirius said shakily.

"Use the Floo, don't Apparate," called his cousin after him.

When Sirius arrived at home he went straight into his bedroom and rummaged for old pictures in his trunk. He found the one he was looking for almost immediately. The day before they left Hogwarts, Lily had made a picture of the four Marauders under their favourite beech tree. James had slung his arm around Sirius and he himself pulled faces into the camera. Peter stood close to James and Remus next to Sirius. The lycanthrope smiled shyly into the camera but once in a while he shot a nervous glance at Sirius.

All in all, Remus was neither outstandingly handsome nor remarkably uncomely. He epitomised mediocrity with his medium height, his pale skin and slender body often hidden under unbecoming clothes.

But Sirius found it hard to take his eyes off Remus' wan face, his pointy nose, pale lips and golden eyes. Perhaps this was what love was about, he thought reluctantly. When he looked at Remus he didn't see the ordinary façade but the brave, gentle and mischievous person behind it, the friend who was everything but mediocre. However, the thought that his happiness depended on this young man, who was smiling timidly at the viewer, scared Sirius to death.

He couldn't be in love. He wasn't ready! That was Remus he was thinking about, his _friend_ Remus. He would fuck this up! Love was for people like James and Lily. People who could commit themselves. People whose families didn't behead house-elves or had carnivore carpets in their houses. Normal people. Bugger. What if he didn't live up to Remus' expectations? He had never been good at meeting _anyone's_ expectations. Heck, he could hardly care for himself, how was he supposed to become a constant in someone else's life? And Remus didn't even _want_ him to be that constant. The bastard had made that pretty clear. _There is no us._ Sirius was getting fuming mad at the mere thought of their fight. After that he couldn't just go up to Remus and tell him how he felt. Blokes didn't do that, did they?

When sleep entered his head several hours later, he had come to the conclusion that there was only one way. He had to fall out of love.

* * *

_Dear Remus,_

_As you are well aware the Order will meet in the Hog's Head this time. Please do me the honour of joining me and a friend in the back room an hour before the meeting begins._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Remus had the letter in one of his pockets when he arrived at the Hog's Head ten minutes early. He had no idea what Dumbledore could want from him and wondered whether his friends had received a similar letter. But the pub was empty except for two old hags sitting over a cup of steaming stew.

Remus was wondering whether he should have some as well when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up with a start and found himself face to face with Dumbledore.

"I wouldn't recommend it," the old man said with a wink. "Aberforth has many qualities but alas, cooking is not one of them." Remus smiled at that and then he was guided into the back room.

"How are you, Remus?" asked Dumbledore when they had settled down on two of the nine somewhat tottery chairs around a long food-stained table.

"Fine, thanks, Headmaster," answered Remus carefully, still not knowing what this meeting was about.

"Good to hear that. And what about your job?" asked Dumbledore next.

"My job? Well, er…I don't have a job right now. I'll start a new one next week though," said Remus, feeling uncomfortable.

"Ah, I see," said Dumbledore and looked him straight in the eye. Remus shifted uneasily on his chair. They were interrupted by the creak of the door being opened. Alastor Moody came in, closing the door resolutely and putting some enchantments on it.

"Don't want to be disturbed, eh?" he said roughly. The renowned Auror took a seat next to Dumbledore so that the two elder men were facing Remus. What was this all about? Had he done something wrong?

"That's the lad, eh?" snarled Moody. While Dumbledore was wearing splendid green robes with golden embroidery, Moody was dressed in sombre black.

"Yes, Alastor, that's Remus Lupin," answered Dumbledore lightly.

"I've seen the results of your N.E.W.T.s, Lupin, and I must say I'm very impressed. Now, I asked Albus why you didn't apply for a job as an Auror but he got all secretive –"

" I told Alastor that it's not my secret to tell," interrupted Dumbledore, smiling encouragingly at Remus.

Remus cleared his throat. It was better to get over with it quickly. "I cannot apply for any job at the Ministry because I'm a werewolf." Moody blinked several times but didn't show any other signs of surprise.

"I assure you that Remus is completely trustworthy and very qualified for the position we have in mind," said Dumbledore. Moody looked at Remus, scrutinising him for several minutes before he grunted, non-committal.

"Er, sorry, Headmaster, but what is this meeting about?" asked Remus confusedly.

"Oh, I must apologise, Remus, but I couldn't tell you without Alastor's consent. As you know, Voldemort surrounds himself with what are generally called _dark creatures_. He has gathered several giants, vampires and of course, werewolves. The Order needs a researcher with battle practice in this field. It's dangerous, I'm afraid, and you'd have to work alone and keep it secret. But I assumed you'd be interested in this."

"You'd need some training, laddy. But it'll be interesting. That's what most dangerous jobs are," said Moody, letting out a short and hoarse laugh, his scarred face twitching oddly.

* * *

"Are we done then? I'm starving and – no offence meant, Albus – your brother's stew is inedible," said Dorcas Meadows, an extremely talented witch. 

"She has a point," snickered Fabian Prewett.

"I second that," added his brother.

Dumbledore didn't seem to be offended in the least and chuckled into his beard. "There's one last point, I'm afraid. Voldemort is looking for magical artefacts all over Europe. Some of them are mythical, some of them are real. I need someone over there to have an eye on several artefacts that are quite substantial and dangerous in the wrong hands. Whoever is willing to volunteer for this mission will be gone for the next two months."

James, whose eyes always started to glow at the prospect of an adventure, looked glum at Dumbledore's last words. "Can't go, my wedding is in eight weeks and Lily's going to kill me if I don't help organising it," he whispered to Sirius.

"Oh, yeah," answered Sirius. James really couldn't go but this was his chance! It would keep him busy, he might be able to do something glorious for the Order and it would take him far away from Remus. He eyed the werewolf, who was sitting next to Moody and whom he had tried to ignore for the entire meeting. Something in his chest tightened painfully and before he knew what he was doing he heard his voice say "I'll do it."

"You, Black?" asked Edgar Bones doubtfully. All eyes were on him but this had never been a problem for Sirius.

"Well, yeah. You've all got jobs, except for me and James and he is going to marry. I'm a pure-blood but can easily adapt to a Muggle environment, too. I'm pretty good at duelling and can speak French and German. I haven't got any commitments and my bike is really fast," said Sirius in his most convincing voice.

McGonagall sighed. "I suppose, you're right, Black. For once, your irresponsible lifestyle and peculiar obsessions may come in handy." Dumbledore chuckled again.

"But you're best man," interjected James, frowning.

"I'll be back in time for your downfall," smirked Sirius.

Nobody else seemed to have objections and so Dumbledore gave the assignment to Sirius.

* * *

It was deafeningly loud in the Wizarding club, where they were celebrating Sirius' farewell party. 

"If you're not back in time for the bloody wedding, I'm going to gut you, Black," growled James for the seventh time this evening. Peter, Frank, Sirius and James were sitting around a table. The girls were in the bathroom and Remus was late as usual.

"Yeah, I know," grinned Sirius irritably. "And I think I understood your point the first hundred times you mentioned it." He slung his arm around his best friend and ruffled his unruly hair with his other hand.

Lily, who just returned with Alice from the ladies bathroom, giggled, cheeks reddened from Gillywater. "Oh, you could send us some Muggle postcards; that would be fun!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"Sure, Evans," said Sirius cockily. "But don't except me to be faithful," he added, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. It earned him a smack on the back of his head from James and a slap on his arm from Lily.

"Aww, I love you, too," chuckled Sirius.

"Look who decided to join us," squealed Lily and waved at the slender figure, that stood disorientated near the door and was scanning the room for his friends. Sirius' heart jumped against his ribs. Remus' hair hung into his eyes, his robes were crinkled and he was looking tired and pale as usual, in other words bloody _gorgeous_. Sirius cursed silently and hid his anger and frustration behind his usual cocky and arrogant smile.

"Hey, you lot," smiled Remus when he arrived at the table. "Sorry for being late but I was delayed." And dare I guess by whom, thought Sirius bitterly.

"Oi, Moony, have a butterbeer," urged James and put a bottle in front of his friend. Sirius couldn't take his eyes off Remus slowly tilting his head back, putting the bottle to his lips and swallowing deeply, his Adam's apple moving up and down. Bloody hell, I am pathetic, thought Sirius and felt a flash of anger.

"Hey, do you wanna dance?" asked a female voice close to his ear. He turned his head and looked at a very pretty blonde girl, dressed in shimmering blue robes.

"Sure," he said to the girl. "Excuse me for a bit," he said, winking suggestively at his friends. Peter looked awed, James rolled his eyes but grinned and Alice and Frank were busy kissing each other. Lily gave him a strange little smile and Remus tried to look indifferent, though Sirius knew his friend too well to actually believe it. He smiled a cruel and triumphant smile and pulled the girl onto the dance floor.

When he pressed himself close to his dancing partner he reminded himself that he didn't want to make Moony jealous but to get over him. Ah well, he thought sullenly, but that's exactly what Remus wanted, wasn't it? He swooped the girl in his arms and pulled her into a deep kiss. She wasn't surprised and opened her lips eagerly. Sirius shot a sly and cold look at the table and his eyes met Remus'. Even at the distance, he saw him swallow hard before turning his head and starting to talk animatedly with Peter. Sirius closed his eyes and grinned ruthlessly into the kiss but he couldn't enjoy his victory, feeling cold and empty inside.

_...to be continued_

* * *

You know how it works, folks. **Reviews make me sooo happy **and I'm eternally grateful to those who take the time!  



	13. wrong kind of right

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to June Carter Cash either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **The lyrics are from "Wildwood Flower" by June Carter. I heard the song when I was writing the chapter and it really touched me.

* * *

_chapter thirteen: wrong kind of right_

_I will dance I will sing and my life shall be gay  
I will charm every heart in the crowd I will sway  
Though my heart is now breaking he never shall know  
How his name makes me tremble my pale cheeks to glow_

The wind lashed against his wet face, while he was laughing maniacally and yelling at the storm. Sirius was riding his bike at full speed over LeHavre. His soaked robes clung to his clammy and shivering body and his hair was sticking to his head like the helmet he should be wearing.

For seven weeks nothing had happened, nothing at all. He had been to Oslo, Paris, Rome and Mainz but every single alleged magical item had been either fake or disappeared hundreds of years ago. And then finally, when he came to Montpellier he felt it, the magic. There had been a fight with two Death Eaters and a vampire and at one point it had been quite close. He had enjoyed every second of the battle and wished he could turn back time. But the owl he had sent to Dumbledore returned with strict orders to come back with the amulet at once.

Seven weeks away from home. The plan to distract his body from craving Remus had been successful. He couldn't feel Remus' hands on him anymore nor his lips kissing down his back whenever he closed his eyes. Sirius had numbed the pain with a never-ending stream of Firewhiskey and exploited himself with sexual excesses. Never with men though. He had tried but couldn't pretend not to think of Remus and the one time he had pulled a guy had ended in a nasty fist fight.

The real problem was his treacherous mind. He could distract himself alright at day but every night was hell. He slept in his Animagus form because dogs didn't think like humans, didn't feel like humans. Even if he was thrusting mechanically into just another stranger, who was urging him on with "Oh" and "Yes", he couldn't stop the memories of Remus flooding his mind, couldn't push away the pictures of Remus' smile, his soft voice, his scent, his blissful face when he came undone. It was easy to betray the body but Sirius doubted that his brain would ever forget, or his heart for that matter. And so he was flying home to see his best friend marry the love of his life while he was still desperate with longing for the one person, who wouldn't have him.

* * *

"Oi, Moony," yelled James and his hazel eyes lit up with glee. Remus had just arrived in the Potters' mansion, a huge old house ceiled with warm red and dark brown wood and furnished with light-coloured antiques, and was pulled out of the fireplace into an enthusiastic hug. 

"Let me breathe, Prongs," chuckled Remus.

"Oh, yes…right," grinned James and ran a hand through his hair.

"So what's so urgent?" asked Remus, following James through the huge house.

"I'm happy to see you, too," answered James dryly.

Remus smiled when he heard female voices arguing energetically in one of the living rooms. The wedding was in only two days and everyone involved was more than stressed out. Remus felt himself drawn behind a stele rather roughly and heard James' low voice reduced to an urgent whisper close to his ear. "The mothers! Merlin, they're barking mad, I tell you. They're going nuts about flowers and cutlery. Stay away from them, that's the sanest advice I can give you. And now, c'mon, my room." They tiptoed to James' room and as soon as they were in, James closed the door and sealed it with a spell. Remus watched him with an amused grin.

"Nice to see that you at least can enjoy this," said James reproachfully, walking over to his bed and sitting down.

"Well, yeah…you know, it's so very normal…your mothers making a fuss over decorations and flowers…it's like we're not at war anymore," explained Remus. James nodded grimly.

"So?" asked Remus. His hair had grown too long, he noticed, trying to keep it out of his eyes.

"Um, well, I don't know how to tell you that," stammered James, shifting on his bed.

"Petunia found out about my furry little problem and is afraid that I'm not house-trained?"

James snorted. "Not quite." Remus raised an eyebrow.

"I feel horrible for asking you as a last resort. But you…you're my second best friend and…what I want to say is…in case Sirius isn't back in time, would you be best man?" James looked at him expectantly. A smile crept over Remus' face. Best man, him?

"I'd be honoured," he said after a while.

"Brilliant," exclaimed James, smacking his hands on his thighs. He jumped up and pulled Remus into a quick hug. "Chocolate cake?" James asked, grinning.

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

When they were sitting in the spacious and neat kitchen, both of them shovelling deliciously mellow and sticky chocolate cake into their mouths, Remus felt like he was being back in Hogwarts.

"Where's Lily?" Remus managed to ask between two bites.

"Hiding at Alice's," munched James. "She is thinking about becoming a Healer."

"Alice?"

"No, Lily," said James, frowning slightly. "You know…I think it's because of her mother. Her dad isn't taking her loss well."

"I see. Well, I think she would make a great Healer, if that's what she wants to be," Remus said casually, not sure whether his friend liked the idea or not. He himself thought it was a brilliant plan. Lily was so talented and had always been extraordinarily compassionate and kind.

"Yeah," was all James said. He was playing with his cake and seemed to be absorbed in his thoughts about Lily when he suddenly asked "When's the last time you heard from Sirius?"

Remus could hardly tell his friend the truth. He hadn't heard anything from Sirius since he had left. Remus had come to agree with Lily; their relationship – he had accepted that's what it had been all along – had been more serious than he had wanted to see. By breaking up with Sirius – because that's what he had done without actually knowing it – he had ruined their friendship, the very thing he wanted to save in the first place. Remus felt like an idiot for not having foreseen this, for having been this blind.

"It's been a while," Remus answered vaguely. An eternity, he corrected himself silently. His eighteenth birthday had been the first without Sirius in eight years and he had missed his friend sorely.

James sighed. "If he isn't back by tomorrow evening I'm going to kill him for real. Bastard!" But he looked genuinely worried.

"He'll be back, Prongs," Remus heard himself say.

"How d'you know?" asked James with a small voice. Remus knew how much it meant to him, how much he wished Sirius to be standing next to him when he finally married Lily Evans, the girl of his dreams.

"I don't…I just know," said Remus soothingly, hoping that he was right.

* * *

Meanwhile Sirius stepped out of the fireplace into Dumbledore's office. 

"Welcome back, Sirius," said Dumbledore warmly, making an inviting gesture. "Take a seat and have a lemon drop!" Sirius looked around the familiar room and sat down in his favourite chair.

"No, thanks, sir," he said brusquely, unaware of the impact the changes he had gone through had on others. Sirius gave a short report of his journey back, everything else had been said in letters already, and gave Dumbledore the amulet.

His former Headmaster scrutinised the magical object and murmured something unintelligible, which made the amulet glow green for a few seconds. Dumbledore smiled, apparently satisfied with the result and stored the amulet in a drawer. Sirius had lost interest quite quickly and had turned his attention to Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix. Hence he was startled by Dumbledore warm voice, asking "Is everything alright?"

"Sure," said Sirius without looking up. "I…well, if we're finished I'd like to go to James as fast as possible. Haven't seen him in seven weeks and he's probably an emotional wreck with the wedding the day after tomorrow."

"Yes," chuckled Dumbledore. "Since I am invited I'm well aware of that fact." Sirius finally turned around. "I won't delay you any further, especially when taking into account that my office holds no more mysteries for you."

Sirius grinned. "Well, I've spent an awful lot of time in here, haven't I?"

"Indeed," said Dumbledore, looking as if he wanted to say something else, something more serious.

"Got to be going then," Sirius said lightly, moving over to the fireplace. He nodded to Dumbledore, threw the Flow Powder and called out "Potter Mansion."

Seconds later he cleaned his leather jacket and jeans from dust. Travelling was easier in Muggle clothes but he still liked robes better. Sirius moved silently through the familiar house. He checked James' room but found it empty and decided to get hold of a butterbeer in the kitchen. He stopped dead when he heard two well-known voices chatting animatedly inside the very place he was about to seek out.

"No, you get this wrong, the Cleansweep is much better than the Shooting Star," insisted James.

"Well, I'm just saying that the Catapults won their last game on Shooting Stars," answered Remus casually. Sirius felt a dull pain in his chest.

"They would have won on Filch's brooms," argued James indignantly. "You're no good when it comes to Quidditch, Moony."

Sirius sneaked closer, drew his wand and pointed it at James' back. "_Rictumsempra_," he whispered. James jumped off his chair, which fell over, and started to laugh uncontrollably. Remus stared at James, completely puzzled by this abrupt change of behaviour. Sirius grinned, gathered speed and jumped on James' back. They fell to the floor with a loud THUMP.

"Ha ha, Si-Sirius, ha ha, y-you're ba-ha back!" laughed James. Remus had his wand drawn and muttered "_Finite Incantatem_." James stopped laughing but whooped joyfully instead.

"Missed me, Potter?" asked Sirius, grinning broadly.

* * *

Remus looked down at the tangled mass of arms, legs and hair on the floor. Sirius was back! He let out a sigh of relief. When his friends had finished their enthusiastic greeting and were finally back on their feet he couldn't help drawing a deep breath. Sirius had changed. His raven-black hair was much longer and he wore it in a tail. His face was covered in shadowy stubble and it was gaunter than he remembered. He looked devilishly handsome and it took Remus a couple of seconds to categorise the changes. They weren't boys anymore. James was going to marry! Chocolate cake and talks about Quidditch didn't change the fact that they were men now. 

"Hey Moony, you look like you've seen a ghost," laughed Sirius. Remus could see that the laughter didn't reach his eyes and felt a sharp pain in his chest. They hugged glaringly briefly and Sirius turned his attention back to James, who was chatting happily about the madhouse full of overly excited women he'd been living in for the last weeks. He had already decided to leave his friends alone when Sirius' voice cut into his thoughts. "So, what's planned for stag night?"

Remus shrugged. "In your absence, Peter took over the planning."

"Merlin's beard, you let Wormtail plan a party?" asked Sirius indignantly and James chuckled. "Prongs, mate, you're safe now! Sirius Black is going to do anything in his power to make this night unforgettable for you!" Sirius bowed mock-heroically.

And Sirius turned out to be right, Remus had to admit. He didn't know how Sirius had managed to organise the party at such short notice but it was wild, excessive and brilliant. Just like Sirius himself, Remus thought before he fell asleep. When he woke up he could not really remember how he ended up in one of the Potters' guest rooms but since he was fully dressed and completely alone it couldn't have been too bad. Well, his head was killing him and he remembered playing one of these silly drinking games…Why the hell had he done this? He wrote a short note to James and Apparated into his flat.

* * *

Later that morning, Remus watched his friends with hardly restrained amusement. James was bustling around in front of a large mirror, fumbling with his dress robes, and asked Sirius for the time every two minutes. Peter scurried through the room to get the hair products Sirius demanded. They were trying to get James' hair straight, which had always been an impossible mission. 

Remus wore his best robes; they were dark green and although the golden embroidery was scarce and faded around the hem, they were quite fit. Of course, they were nothing compared to Sirius' and James' robes. Remus had almost choked on his toast when Sirius had entered the room in crimson robes made of velvet, richly embroidered and brand new. His long black hair fell unrestrained onto his shoulders, framing his handsome face perfectly. James wore back robes but they were bewitched and shimmered and glittered at every move. Peter was also dressed in green though his robes were lighter than Remus'.

"Stop fiddling around Potter!"

"Padfoot, you don't understand. I'm going to marry her for real!" James beamed foolishly at his best friend, who rolled his eyes.

"I almost missed that," said Sirius wryly. Remus knew that Sirius was nearly as nervous as the groom but where James showed his nervousness, Sirius covered it with arrogance and sarcasm.

"Do you have a date?" asked Peter while handing over another salve.

"Don't know yet," answered Sirius, aloof.

"You, Moony?" Peter eyed Remus curiously.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I do", answered Remus, trying to avoid looking at Sirius.

"Who is it?" continued Peter his questioning.

"Susanna, a friend of Lily's. You know her, Ravenclaw, left Hogwarts a year before us."

"Oh, the petite blonde?" asked James, busy smoothing his hair.

"That's the one," said Remus carefully.

"Known her long?" asked Sirius casually, not looking at Remus.

"No, not really," answered Remus just as casually, though his hands were sweaty. Maybe Sirius still cared after all. Over the last two days he had acted quite normally around him though admittedly they hadn't been alone.

"Wormtail, what about you?" asked James.

"Well, you know…I'll go alone and wait for guys like Moony to fuck up. I'll be happy to comfort every devastated bridesmaid," grinned Peter smugly. Remus joined the following burst of laughter and thought that Peter had gained a lot of self-confidence after school, which suited him well.

"Gna, it isn't working!" complained James desperately. His hair looked exactly the way it had before the two bottles of Melvin's Extra Potent Hair Wax Potion.

"Hopeless business, mate," commented the mirror.

* * *

The ceremony had been touching. Lily, dressed in a beautiful cream white dress robe, had tears in her eyes when her father told her how proud her mother would be of her. James' mother was crying the entire time and the firework Sirius had secretly prepared was downright impressive. James was doubtlessly the luckiest guy in the whole wide world and convinced everyone with his blissful and beaming smile. 

"It's amazing, isn't it? She hated his guts and now they're married." Remus' date had been sentimental and maudlin from the beginning and kept on telling him wedding stories. He was honestly bored but nodded politely at her babble nonetheless. Wondering what Sirius would do if he were stuck with Susanna, he let his eyes wander through the hall in Potter Mansion, where they were celebrating. Sirius was surrounded by excitedly chatting women and girls, apparently enjoying the attention he was getting. But Remus could see that he was tapping his foot impatiently and smiled sadly. Even if they were sharing nothing else anymore, they were stuck in the same situation.

Susanna must have caught up with his observation. "Oh, why doesn't Black have a girl yet? I mean, look at him, he is bloody gorgeous! He should be involved with someone, don't you think?"

"Excuse me for a minute," he interrupted his date, who looked quite taken aback. He did not really know where the nearest bathroom was so he decided to go to the only bathroom he knew of. It took a while because the Potters' house was really huge. He sighed in relief when he closed the door and was surrounded by silence. Sliding down the wall, he felt sorry for the hundredth time this day. Maybe he should give Susanna a chance. She was nice enough.

On his way back to the hall he heard hushed voices through a door ajar to a small parlour. A loving couple or two strangers seeking temporary intimacy, Remus pondered silently and was about to pass quietly when he recognised one of the voices. Sirius! So it's the latter, he thought bitterly before scolding himself because he had wanted this, hadn't he? But then he heard Sirius ask an utterly unromantic question and stopped dead to listen.

* * *

"So what's so important that it couldn't wait till after the wedding?" Sirius asked the old man sitting comfortably in an arm chair opposite him. 

"I would have loved to have this conversation at a later point. In fact, I would prefer not having it at all, Sirius. But alas, Alastor was quite insistent and I'm afraid he's right in this case," said Dumbledore calmly.

"He better be," growled Sirius. He really wanted to go back to his friends because whatever it was that made Dumbledore go all secretive and earnest on a day like this couldn't be good.

"To make it short, I wanted to talk about the reasons why your cousin isn't in the Order. You're aware of them?" asked Dumbledore, raising an eyebrow.

"I suppose it's because she's a Death Eater," said Sirius sarcastically. "We really couldn't have postponed this conversation till I'm sober?"

"I'm glad to find you in good humour," replied Dumbledore and looked Sirius straight in the eye. Sirius gave in under the profound look. "I'm sorry," he said contritely.

"I know," said Dumbledore softly. "I'm talking about Andromeda, of course. She's not in the Order."

"Well, she's got a little daughter now, so it wouldn't be the best idea to risk her life," mused Sirius.

"True and I must say that Nymphadora is a delightful little girl, though her name might turn into a burden," smiled Dumbledore. "But there's another reason. It's one thing to disagree and oppose your family. It's another to fight a sister to the death."

"I'm sure that Bella doesn't think of Andy as her sister anymore," said Sirius bitterly, wondering where this discussion would lead to.

"Your own situation has changed radically." Dumbledore must have read his thoughts. He looked deeply concerned now and Sirius shivered slightly. "You see, Sirius, we have to inform you and let you choose." Sirius felt as though he had been kicked into the stomach.

"No," he said hoarsely, waiting for the pain. It didn't come.

"I'm afraid it's true. Our informant is very reliable. Regulus has become a Death Eater."

"I see."

"Is there anything I can do for you, Sirius?" asked Dumbledore, looking infuriatingly understanding. Sirius closed his eyes and massaged his temples, trying to understand.

"Let me go back to my best friend's wedding and don't tell any of them tonight," he said in a low voice, looking up again.

"As you wish. But you should confide in your friend, Sirius."

"Not tonight. Tonight is for James and Lily," retorted Sirius sharply.

"I'm sorry," said Dumbledore, unfolding himself from his armchair.

"Don't be. Thanks for letting me know. I'll remain in the Order."

"You might want to think about it," said the older wizard softly.

"I don't have to think about it. Now, please excuse me, professor," said Sirius shortly and turned to leave the room.

* * *

Remus managed to sit down beside his date just in time before Sirius entered the hall. Remus eyed him unobtrusively but if his friend was affected by the news about his brother he didn't show. Remus himself was quite agitated about the conversation he had just overheard. He had instantly remembered another argument back in seventh year, when Snape had tried to keep Regulus off a 'lifelong commitment'. It hadn't made sense at that time but now it became horribly clear. 

But Remus pulled himself together and watched Sirius give his speech, which was just as witty, hilarious and touching as was expected. Remus danced with Susanna, James' mother, Alice Longbottom, Susan Hunt and a beaming Lily Potter. It was well beyond midnight when he caught another glimpse of Sirius, who was sober enough to dance with James' mother. Whirling her around, he looked at her affectionately and laughed at what she said. Remus knew that Mrs Potter had been more of a mother to Sirius than his own and it was almost touching to see the infamous heartbreaker dancing with an old lady and enjoying it. He would never have believed this to be possible after the news Sirius got only a couple of hours ago. Sirius had always cared for his brother but now he didn't seem to give a damn.

Meanwhile Susanna was dancing with Peter, who grinned smugly at him when Remus caught his eyes. Someone had obviously fucked up his date by looking too much at Sirius Black. Remus sighed but wasn't sure whether it was out of relief or disappointment. He just thought about paying the bar another visit and spend the rest of the night moping when he saw a blur of crimson from the corner of his eye. He turned his head just in time to see Sirius armed with a bottle of Firewhiskey disappearing onto a balcony. Alone. Remus didn't falter and followed him.

His eyes needed a moment to adjust to the darkness and to make out the figure of his friend, sitting with bent legs on the balustrade.

"Sirius?" he asked tentatively.

"In the flesh. What do _you_ want?" came the brusque answer.

"To talk to you," said Remus, trying to sound light. Sirius didn't look at him.

"About what?"

"I don't know…the wedding, the war…your bike?"

Sirius let out a hollow laugh. "You mean like best friends? Sorry, Moony, that ship has sailed." Remus took the verbal slap without a word. In a way, he deserved it.

"I'm sorry, Pads, but I really can't accept this," Remus said with a trembling voice.

"What?" asked Sirius incredulously, still not looking at Remus.

"I can't accept this. I don't understand why we can't be friends. Merlin knows you keep pretending in front of Prongs and Wormtail. I think you wouldn't bother if you didn't care, so go on, be mad at me, shout at me but don't tell me we're not friends anymore." Remus held his breath, slightly amazed at his own audacity. His outburst was graced by silence, which hurt every second it lasted.

"Spot on analysis, Mr Moony," Sirius finally said acidly. "If you're so bloody clever you can certainly tell me why I came here _to be alone_ and why you're here bugging me."

Here goes nothing, thought Remus and took a deep breath. "Because of Regulus."

Sirius turned his head so fast he almost lost his balance. Remus was grateful for the darkness so that he couldn't see cold grey eyes piercing into his. "Been sneaking around, have you?"

"Yeah, that's what I usually do at weddings. I overheard you _by chance_," said Remus firmly. After what seemed like minutes, Remus could see Sirius nodding slightly. He heard a gurgling sound when his friend put the bottle of Firewhiskey with a flowing motion to his mouth, taking a large gulp of the clear liquid.

"So you think I need a shoulder to cry on because my retarded little brother chose to join a band of murderers."

"Stop being an arrogant arse. I am worried, okay?" Remus felt as though he was losing the ground under his feet. He hadn't talked to Sirius like this in weeks. Sirius used to confide in him easily and he needed to regain his trust. He just _had_ to. Focussing on this distracted him from thoughts about holding Sirius, feeling his warmth, smelling Sirius' scent, running a hand through silky black hair.

"You want to know what I feel?" asked Sirius hoarsely. He climbed down the balustrade, crossed the distance between them and loomed in the darkness only inches away. Remus flinched, suddenly understanding the mood Sirius was in.

"Are you kidding me? You didn't give a damn about my feelings when you decided against us," spat Sirius venomously. "What makes you think that I'd like to talk about my brother with my _toy_? You know, Remus, I don't feel like talking. In fact, I don't feel _anything_."

…_to be continued_

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* * *

Now that you've read it, please take a minute and **review**! Thanks to everyone who did so far, feedback means a lot to me._

The next chapter will be both, happy and sad, so keep reading! ;)_  
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	14. losses and gains

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **I loved writing this chapter because I had it planned for ages. However, finding an appropriate ending was difficult and I'm eternally grateful to my betas for reading different versions. Thanks to my reviewers and especially my anonymous reviewers, whom I couldn't answer directly. On to the story then, I really hope you'll like this chapter!

* * *

_chapter fourteen: losses and gains_

Sirius didn't like the way the night had ended. He had been furious at Dumbledore for telling him the news on James' important day and even more furious for being asked to reconsider working for the Order. The Order of the Phoenix was all he had at the moment, with James and Lily on their honeymoon and Peter having found a new girlfriend, who had ironically been Remus' date at the wedding.

Sirius had suppressed his anger and smiled at Mrs Potter, had joked with James and teased Lily, but eventually it had been enough. He had grabbed a bottle of Firewhiskey, something he had done too often lately, he had to admit. When he had gone outside he had felt like lashing about, lashing out at someone, _anyone_. And of course, it had to be Remus, looking all worried and being too easy a target. Bugger.

"Why the hell did he have to come after me?" Sirius asked his bathroom mirror after three days of non-productive brooding.

"Absolutely no idea," answered the mirror cheerfully. Sirius glared at his reflection.

"Don't forget that I can literally shatter your existence," he growled at his reflection.

"No need to get bitchy with me. Stop whining and do something about it. What are you, a Slytherin?" Sirius retorted but then realised that his mirror was right. He had never given up that easily. What was the matter with him? Remus did always have to be convinced and dragged along. Sirius Black and a Slytherin! His family would be _soooo proud_, he could even measure up to Regulus.

Whenever he thought about his brother he still didn't feel the pain he had known in former years, the pain he had certainly felt when Regulus was sorted into Slytherin or started hanging out with Snape. Sirius knew he should feel _something_. Disappointment, frustration, anger, sorrow…anything, but he didn't. All he felt was this horrible emptiness that he had been cultivating over the last weeks and his often ignored voice of reason whispered that he couldn't go on like that.

* * *

"_Protego_!" Remus breathed heavily and held his wand in a firm grip. The spell got blocked.

"Not bad, Lupin, not bad," grunted Moody, after shooting an Impediment jinx at him. They had been training for weeks now and Remus was getting better and better. He knew that he learned from the best and that he was getting training he would never have thought possible for someone like him. This kind of training was reserved for Aurors and it showed the faith and trust Dumbledore and Moody had in him.

"Let's call it a day, shall we? Have to meet McKinnon and Bones." Moody never bothered with more words than were absolutely necessary and Remus was grateful for that.

"Right, thanks," said Remus respectfully, though his bones were aching and sweat ran down his spine. Moody only looked at him and shook his head.

"Bloody waste," he muttered under his breath before Disapparating with the characteristic POP.

Remus used a Cooling charm on himself and gathered his belongings. This time they had been training inside a deserted Muggle factory building. Last week they had met in a clearing in the Forbidden Forest. Moody sent him owls with directions, sometimes only hours before the appointed time. He never told him anything in advance but Remus was meanwhile used to the Auror's paranoia.

Remus Apparated into his flat and took a quick shower. Lily and James would return at the end of the week and he wanted to get them a welcome-back present. He would have loved to ask Sirius whether he got them something or whether he'd like to buy them a present together, he really would. Whenever Remus heard a motorbike his heart beat faster and he looked around in the vain hope of seeing a grinning and waving Sirius on his huge monster of a bike. But as things were this was simply impossible.

Instead he had decided to meet up with Peter in Diagon Alley.

"Oi, Moony!" exclaimed Peter in an obvious attempt to sound cheerful. He looked awfully jittery and twitchy.

"Something wrong?" asked Remus, frowning slightly.

"No. No, not at all. I'm fine. It's just…I didn't sleep too well last night. There have been attacks in my neighbourhood, you see." Peter blinked nervously.

"Yeah, I've read it in the Daily Prophet," sighed Remus, still frowning. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Fine, as I said," answered Peter demonstratively calm and looked at Remus very sincerely. Remus gave him a strained smile. Peter didn't look alright but then, he had always been jumpy and Remus didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

"It's okay, Pete. The war is everywhere. I'm glad that James and Lily are having a good time in Greece."

"Oh, yes, the present! What do you have in mind?"

"Um, let's start at Flourish and Blotts." Remus couldn't help it, he loved the shop.

"You want to buy Prongs a present in a book shop?" asked Peter sceptically.

"Where do you want to go?"

Peter, who wasn't used to making decisions in their group, looked nervous again. "I…I don't know," he said petulantly. "Why didn't you ask Padfoot along? He's always got the best ideas anyway."

Remus wanted to snap that he would have loved to have taken Sirius instead but decided to take a deep breath and said, "Because _we_ two haven't done anything together in ages. I thought it'd be nice." Peter eyed him confusedly.

"It's not about Susanna, is it? I mean, I asked you and you said it's okay if I-"

"Peter, it's not about her. Really, I'm definitely fine with that!" Remus assured his friend. Peter smiled relieved.

They chatted animatedly after that and eventually decided to buy the newlyweds a self-cleaning breakfast tray, something James would wholly disapprove of and Lily would love. Despite the fact that Peter's company could be trying, Remus enjoyed the afternoon and returned to his flat only reluctantly. He was more than surprised to come upon an owl on his window sill. Dumbledore requested his help with some documents on werewolves. Remus loved his work, especially because it was so much more demanding and interesting than the jobs he had done before. But it was hard to keep something he really liked a secret from his friends. Since he had disappointed Dumbledore's trust during his school years more than once, he had resignedly accepted the necessity to lie about his occupation. Sighing, he left his flat once more.

* * *

When Sirius navigated his bike down, he grinned broadly with anticipation. James and Lily had just returned and he was more than happy to meet his best friend. His bike roared and he landed with a loud _thud_ in front of Potter Mansion. Lily opened the door when he was dismounting his motorbike and called loudly for James, leaving the house to greet Sirius herself.

"It's good to see you," she said warmly and squealed when he pulled her into a bear hug.

"Oi, hands off my wife, Black," yelled James and almost floored Sirius by jumping on him. Sirius felt happier than he had in weeks.

"It was great, you should have been there," chatted James happily when they had settled down in the garden and slurped cooled Pumpkin juice. It was a sunny day in June and Sirius had rolled up his sleeves and enjoyed the sun. "I mean, it's _Gregorius Zagorakis_ I'm talking about. He's as huge as he seems on his broom. Small wonder he's one of the best Beaters. And when I asked him he signed my napkin! It was-"

"Yeah, I know," smiled Sirius lazily, having heard the story thrice in the last half an hour. Nothing could spoil this moment. The years before, he had spent countless hours lying lazily in the Potters' garden talking to James and had missed his friend's company sorely over the last weeks. James and Lily would be getting their own place in the near future since the war had kept them busy hitherto. Even someone as spontaneous as Sirius found the changes in his friend's life rather startling but James was happy and therefore he was, too.

"Up to a match?" asked James suddenly, having obviously finished his story.

"If you can bear the defeat," grinned Sirius and jumped up. They got their brooms and set off. Flying on his broom and throwing the Quaffle as hard as possible made him feel younger and alive. His world slowly readjusted.

Later, when they were stuffed with Mrs Potters delicious pasty he told James about his brother.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" James asked immediately, looking indignant.

"Well, you were rather preoccupied, weren't you? I didn't want to spoil your wedding, mate," mumbled Sirius in return.

"Idiot," exclaimed James. "Remember what we said in sixth year? Sod your damn family, I'm your brother. You should have told me!" James looked adamant. "Did you tell anyone else? Moony?"

Sirius didn't like how this conversation went. "Erm…yeah, he kind of overheard us, I mean, me and Dumbledore. I…I was a nasty bastard and told him to piss off. Guess, he's still mad at me."

"You…are you telling me that you haven't apologised to him in five weeks?" asked James incredulously. When James put it like that it sounded rather ridiculous, he had to admit.

"No," said Sirius contritely.

"I can't believe that! _Bloody hell!_ Remind me, how old are you again? Good thing I'm back and we'll see Moony and Wormtail tomorrow. I would have invited Moony today if I'd known. Merlin, Sirius! Five weeks!" James cleaned his glasses angrily.

"I know, I know," answered Sirius and shifted uncomfortably on his chair.

"We should go over to his place right now!" suggested James.

"No! No, tomorrow is great. Let me think of an apology. You know I'm no good at apologising when I'm tired," Sirius gave James a pleading look. Inside, he felt panicky. Remus' flat had been taboo since their fight in February and he really didn't want to catch Remus snogging some guy or girl.

"Okay, tomorrow then," agreed James. "Don't forget, Singing Mermaid, nine o'clock."

* * *

"Look who's finally decided to grace us with his magnificent presence!" shouted James over the noise. The pub was packed full and Sirius' friends stood huddled around a small table. Sirius was late. He had got nervous and couldn't decide what to wear – a fact that made him feel ridiculously girlish. However, riding his motorbike had reaffirmed his masculinity.

"Sorry, mates, couldn't get rid of a girl in time," he lied grinning when he arrived at the table. James rolled his eyes, Peter whooped and Remus smiled his non-committal half-smile that meant nothing at all.

"Pete, let's go and get another round, yeah?" suggested James and he didn't even have to look at Sirius to get his point across. Peter nodded, happy to be singled out by James as usual. When the two Marauders pushed their way through the crowd they left two very uncomfortable men behind. Oh, well, thought Sirius, let's get done with it.

"Moony, I-"

"You don't have to say anything, Pads. It's okay. I shouldn't have bugged you like that," said Remus in a rush, cheeks turning a slight pink. He wore brown robes, his hair was slightly dishevelled and he looked down at his hands, wrapped around an empty beer glass.

"Don't twist it around like it's your fault, you jerk! I was an asshole, I know that," said Sirius sharply but feeling deliriously happy talking to Remus again.

"But you told me you wanted to be alone and I should have known…" Remus shrugged helplessly.

"Come off it, Moony, you're not a mind reader. You should have sent Peter though, he's used to verbal abuse," grinned Sirius, hoping for a smile.

"Didn't want to make it too easy, Black," said Remus, looking up from his glass. They looked at each other and then finally Remus gave him a hesitant smile.

"Merlin' balls, next time we'll meet up in the Cauldron again," said James, holding two glasses over his head. Peter was right behind him but used a Levitation charm to keep the beer inside the glasses. "You two alright?" he asked and put the glasses in front of them.

"Sure," said Remus and Sirius simultaneously and although they both knew they really weren't, they hoped they would be.

Over the next weeks things between them relaxed perceptibly. They didn't spend time alone but the Marauders met regularly and they became more comfortable around each other. Sirius found that the tension was still there and didn't know whether to be relieved or scared. After all, he had done everything he could think of to get over Remus. Not being used to feeling permanent affection, he didn't know how to approach Remus. And Remus seemed to have found another life apart from his friends. He was close to Moody and McKinnon and Sirius asked himself what else he had missed in those horrible weeks they hadn't been talking.

* * *

"Just take the damn picture, man," mumbled Sirius under his breath and James sniggered beside him.

"Get a grip on yourself, Sirius. Smile for mommy," said Lily without moving her lips.

"I smile for my mother when hell freezes over," replied Sirius.

"Stop talking and smiiiiiiiile everyone!" Everyone smiled and the picture was taken. As soon as it was over the Order members started talking again.

"Do you still think this picture is a good idea? It could be dangerous in the wrong hands," said Moody for the sixth time this evening.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, being in the Order is dangerous," snapped McKinnon impatiently. "They have threatened me and mine more than once. And Edgar's family as well, haven't they?" Edgar Bones nodded grimly. "It's a risk we take, Moody. It's a risk we take."

"Can we leave now?" asked Sirius nobody in particular. His stomach grumbled loudly.

"Yes, I think for the sake of your stomach I'll close the meeting hereby," chuckled Dumbledore behind Sirius. James and Peter snorted. Sirius turned around and smiled nonchalantly.

"My stomach will be eternally grateful, sir."

"Are we going to your place?" asked James when they had left. The four Marauders and Lily were standing in the middle of the street and the rain was pouring down on them. Luckily, Lily had cast a Water Repelling spell on the group the second they had left the Order meeting.

"Why not Potter Mansion?" asked Sirius.

"My parents caught a cold, I think. Mom didn't feel well this morning," answered James. Sirius was surprised at how considerate James had got.

"I call it a night, guys," said Remus, who looked quite peaky since the full moon had been only two days ago. His left hand was still bandaged. Sirius would have loved to ask him to come over to his place and stay over night but didn't. He somehow knew that it was too early.

"Okay, have a good night's sleep," said Lily. "And try this salve I gave you." Since she had begun her Healer training she was constantly trying to improve Remus' situation, something for which Sirius was genuinely grateful.

"Cheers, Lily. See you on Sunday then," said Remus and Disapparated.

* * *

Four nights later Remus woke up with a start. It was utterly dark though a gloomy light shone through the window, announcing the upcoming day. He looked disorientated around the room, feeling that something was wrong, but the flat lay in silence. A sudden scratching noise at the window made him jerk around. An owl! An owl in the middle of the night was certainly not a bearer of good news. With trembling fingers he opened the window and let the bird in. It turned out to be James' owl. Remus held his breath when he opened the letter.

_Moony,_

_It wasn't a cold but Dragon pox. Lily found out too late. Prongs' parents passed away tonight. Come soon, we need you!_

_Padfoot_

Sweet Merlin, no! Not the Potters! Remus stared at the letter in his hands. James' parents had been old, even in Wizarding standards but he would never have thought…no. Remus hastened into the bathroom and only ten minutes later he Apparated into the Potters' entrance hall.

The house was lit but lay in unnatural silence. Remus found his way into the living room where he found a tray with a teapot and three cups, untouched and forgotten. He was about to leave the room and head towards the kitchen when the opposite door opened and Lily came in. When her eyes fell on Remus she heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God!" Her face was very pale and she looked extremely tired.

"Lily!" Remus crossed the distance but didn't know what to do then. Lily must have known, made the last step and hugged him tightly.

"It's so horrible," she mumbled into his shoulder.

"What happened? Sirius' letter said Dragon pox but…well, I thought that wasn't fatal anymore."

"They are…_were _old, Remus. When I found out that it wasn't a cold it was too late."

"Where are James and Sirius?" he asked Lily, still holding her awkwardly. She felt his tenseness and let go of him. She walked over to the sofa and fell onto it, a picture of exhaustion.

"Sirius took James outside. They're in the garden. Oh Remus!" Lily let out a dry sob. "Harold died shortly after midnight. We didn't tell her, you know, but she must….she just knew. And then she passed away just like that. That was two hours ago. I've never seen James like that, never…poor, poor James. Both of his parents in one night, oh God. His family is gone, Remus, they're all gone."

"No," said Remus softly and went over to her. "No, Lily, _you_ are his family."

"I'm so glad Sirius is here. I need…I need to be strong for James but tonight…I'm not sure whether I can be strong for him tonight. It's so…sad."

"I know. You're not alone. We'll go through this together. Where's Pete by the way?"

"I don't know. I didn't even know that you were coming." Lily looked dead tired.

"Come on, let's go to the kitchen, I'll make some tea," said Remus, knowing that she wouldn't go to sleep until James was back.

He just put on the kettle when the door creaked open and James and Sirius walked in. James looked like a forlorn ten-year-old, eyes red and swollen but that was to be expected. The sight of Sirius shocked Remus. He looked jaded but wore an expressionless mask and his eyes were dull. Remus remembered his own inability to mourn but knew that Sirius held back deliberately. He was being strong for James.

They were all strong for James over the next couple of days. Lily and Sirius didn't leave his side and while Lily looked after his physical and emotional well-being, Sirius kept the organisational details away from his best friend. He would have organised the funeral single-handedly if Remus and Peter hadn't supported him.

James' parents had been very popular in the Wizarding world, particularly his father as a member of the Wizengamot. Nearly two hundred people attended the funeral and James stood his ground almost stoically. Remus knew what pain James was in and almost everyone knew that, too. What most people didn't know was that the Potters had been _like_ parents to Sirius Black and that he had to be in almost as much pain as James. Remus eyed him worriedly, waiting for a sign, waiting for the breakdown but it didn't come. Sirius stood behind James and didn't show the pain the loss was causing him. Remus wanted to help him, wanted to show him that he understood, but the wall Sirius had built around him held him back. And so Remus left after the last guests were gone and Apparated back into his silent flat.

* * *

Sirius lay awake. He hadn't slept through a night since Harold and Stella Potter had died. It wasn't due to pain and sadness. It was the lack thereof that kept him awake. He knew he should be feeling the pain and that it should be ripping his heart apart. It just _didn't_ and that was horribly _wrong_. He felt the emptiness inside him stronger than ever but now it wasn't comforting not to feel anymore. It had been pleasant to shut out all emotions when Remus had rejected him and when his brother joined the enemy but now that he wanted to feel _something_, he felt that he just couldn't.

He looked at the watch on the bed stand. Two o'clock in the morning. His head spun when he eased out of bed and dressed in jeans and an old jumper. Almost blindly he found his way through the Potters' house. Sirius hadn't been home since the tragic night and slept in his old room, the room the Potters' had provided when Sirius ran away from home in sixth year. He left the house silently and slowly walked the streets. It was going to rain and the nocturnal air was chilly and humid at the same time. Somehow he found himself on his motorbike, flying through the air until his hands were as numb as his insides. He didn't even notice when it finally started to rain, he just flew on and on.

Sirius didn't know how it happened but when he stopped his bike, completely soaked, he was only two streets from Remus' flat away.

* * *

Remus hadn't been asleep when someone knocked on the door. He had been reading Keats because that always soothed him. Looking at the time he was quite alarmed. Who on earth paid him a visit at four in the morning? Asking himself wryly whether Moody's paranoia washed off he whispered "_Knox_" and slid off the sofa. Holding his wand firmly he tiptoed to the door.

"Who is it?" he asked calmly.

"Me," was all his nocturnal visitor said but if sufficed because Remus would have recognised that voice under a hundred. Remus unlocked the door and made out a familiar figure.

"I am not interrupting anything?" whispered Sirius hoarsely.

"No, of course not. I wasn't asleep," answered Remus before he understood the question. No, Sirius wouldn't have interrupted anything in weeks, even if he hadn't avoided Remus' place like the plague. "Come on in."

Remus closed the door behind Sirius and lit the candles once more.

"What-, _Padfoot_, you're soaked through! It has been a long day, why…why aren't you in bed?"

"Couldn't sleep," mumbled Sirius, dripping on the floor and shivering slightly. His long black hair stuck to his head and his eyes were flickering.

"Si-"

"Moony, listen…I need…_please_," Sirius whispered urgently. "I need you to make me _feel_."

Remus tensed at the urgency in the other man's voice and looked at him more closely. He expected to see utter despair in Sirius' eyes but they were like grey gems, reflecting only the light of the candles. And then suddenly he understood and the awareness almost knocked him off his feet.

Hesitantly, he crossed the distance between them, almost afraid of the closeness. Remus knew that the wrong word could break Sirius and so he didn't speak but pulled him into a wet and awkward embrace. Sirius tensed and didn't give in at first and Remus was about to pull away when the man in his arms croaked almost imperceptibly "_Please_, Remus. Make me feel."

And so Remus reached out and ran his hands over Sirius' face and his wet hair, an tender gesture he had sorely missed. Softly their lips brushed against each other and both men let out a deep sigh. Sirius' lips were cold and a shiver ran through his entire body when Remus' tongue forced them apart. Gradually, he relaxed into the kiss and the embrace and Remus felt a surge of relief when he finally felt Sirius' hands on his back.

Remus broke the kiss and searched for a sign in Sirius' grey eyes, a sign of recognition. But he only found confusion and hurt and almost gasped at the emptiness that stared back at him. He took Sirius' hand and lead him into the bedroom. Slowly, he started to peel the wet and cold clothes off Sirius' attractive body, only breaking eye-contact when pulling off the jumper. Quickly he undressed himself and then put his arms around Sirius' cold body once more. Sirius kissed him gingerly as though he wasn't sure whether he was truly awake and Remus deepened the kiss and pressed himself closer to his friend, trying to warm him, trying to let him feel his affection and his arousal.

They fell onto the bed and shared soft kisses and gentle touches. Their lovemaking had always been passionate and sometimes even frantic. This time was different because it was for all the times they hadn't kissed and hadn't touched.

Remus' hands ghosted over Sirius' arms and his back, his face and thighs. His touches were gentle and so were his fingers when he prepared Sirius. They didn't say a word and only their gasps broke the silence. Remus rocked them slowly, painfully slow until their world was reduced to motion and friction, until it all came down to _feeling_.

When Sirius came he almost choked on the sensation and turned into a shuddering and sobbing heap of skin and hair. Remus cradled him and felt like his heart was breaking. Sirius, strong and beautiful Sirius, clung to him as if his life depended on it, mumbling _sorry_ and _missed you_ and _why_ over and over again.

When they finally fell asleep the room was immersed in twilight.

* * *

The first thing Remus realised when his brain tumbled into consciousness was that he wasn't alone and that this was right and welcome. He breathed in the familiar scent of sleep, sex and Sirius before he actually opened his eyes to look at the man beside him. Grey eyes were only inches from his face and stared at him. Remus blinked to get them into focus.

"Hi," smiled Sirius. He still looked exhausted and had dark circles around his eyes, but he smiled and Remus found himself smiling back.

"Morning. You look tired, why aren't you sleeping?" Remus' voice was still thick with sleep. Sirius just kept staring at him. "Pads?"

"Thanks," Sirius finally said and _his_ voice was thick with emotion.

"You're welcome," answered Remus slowly. Being so close to Sirius made him giddy with unfathomable happiness. Sirius leaned in and stole a soft kiss.

"Moony," he whispered against the corner of Remus' mouth. "I…I missed you." Remus felt an intense warmth spreading in his chest. They were still lying face to face and Remus reached out to stroke Sirius' arm. His skin was so smooth. "I…I never…played with you." Sirius' voice broke at his last words.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I should never have said that. I…wanted to piss you off and…it was a mistake, I'm sorry."

Sirius closed his eyes and breathed out deeply, as though he had been holding his breath for a very long time. Maybe he had. Maybe they both had. When Sirius opened his eyes again Remus was glad that he was already laying down, he wouldn't have trusted his legs. He was quite sure that nobody had ever looked at him with…_awe_.

"You know, I _really_ missed you." Sirius' voice was only a whisper.

Oh. "I...you seemed to go on pretty well without me," said Remus and even he heard the slight note of jealousy in his voice.

"Remus, do you really think I _cared_ about any of these girls? I like them alright. I like blokes more. I like you most." Remus blushed horrendously.

"Why?" he asked shakily.

"I don't know. Perhaps because you're such an animal once a month," Sirius chuckled but then kissed Remus once more and mumbled "Because you're you and I need you." Remus had to kiss him back for that but Sirius pulled away and looked at him anxiously. "No more sharing, Remus, and bloody beating around the bush, yeah?"

The childlike question melted Remus' heart. He knew that last night had changed things irrevocably and that Sirius had shown him a side of him that probably nobody had ever seen. He looked at Sirius, saw how tired and hurt he was, and maybe…maybe it was time to show some Gryffindor courage.

"No, no more of that shit," he smiled and was rewarded with a breathtaking kiss.

_...to be continued_

_

* * *

So, are you all happy now? Please tell me what you think and _**review!**


	15. the calm before the storm

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I don't own anything remotely related to Johnny Cash or the song "Walk the Line", nor do I own anything related to Highlander, either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Some of my OC's reappear in this chapter and YES, I love Johnny Cash songs and Highlander quotations. :p Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! **Beware of sexual content** in this one as well!

* * *

_chapter fifteen: the calm before the storm_

_As sure as night is dark and day is light  
I keep you on my mind both day and night  
And happiness I've known proves that it's right  
Because you're mine, I walk the line_

_You've got a way to keep me on your side  
You give me cause for love that I can't hide  
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide  
Because you're mine, I walk the line  
_

Life went on as it always did. Only now Remus was much happier than before although he felt a little guilty because this happiness was based on a tragic loss. The full moon in September was easier to bear with Sirius hovering over him just like before their fight. He felt his mother's reproachful eyes on him but honestly didn't care. Having Sirius back in his life was worth it and he would not risk his happiness again.

Unfortunately, his mother turned out to be right about one thing. Being with Sirius required some sacrifices. Three days after the full moon Sirius brought him dinner and spent the day with him. Remus hadn't recovered fully yet because he had broken two ribs this time. When he kissed Sirius goodbye in the door his landlady saw them and started to make a fuss about it. She said some nasty things about sodomy and perversity and Remus had to push Sirius back into his flat to keep him from hexing her into the beyond. The next day he got a letter from her informing him that he had to leave the flat by the end of September.

"That old hag! Fuck, Moony, we use a Memory charm on her and that's it," ranted Sirius when Remus told him.

"No we won't. It's her right to kick me out and it's not as if the flat is worth having the Ministry breathing down my neck."

"Bloody hell, you can't just take it and turn the other cheek!"

"Do you have the faintest idea what the Werewolf registry would do if they found out?" asked Remus exasperatedly. Sirius shook his head defiantly. "They wouldn't allow me to live in a Muggle neighbourhood ever again, that's what they would do. So I just go and find another flat, it's not the end of the world, Padfoot."

Sirius, who wore his hair in a tail, tucked up a loose strain behind his ear. "Bugger this. Bugger them all!" he grumbled. Remus had to smile despite his own anger and drew Sirius closer.

"I guess that's the problem. They disapprove of buggers," he grinned and kissed Sirius just beneath his earlobe. He felt the anticipated shiver running through his lover's body.

"It's not as if I asked them to join us," chuckled Sirius and put his arms around Remus.

* * *

"We don't have to have the party here, Prongs," said an anxious looking Peter. 

"Yes we do! I'll sell the property anyway and buy a new house without all the sad memories for Lily and me. But whenever I'll be thinking back to Potter Mansion…well, I want to remember the house full of laughter. Hence the party will be here," James said firmly.

Remus was still not used to this new James, who looked more like his father than he ever had before. A resolute streak was set around his mouth and he was even more passionate about Lily than prior to the death of his parents. They all had to grow up too fast, thought Remus. Maybe having a big birthday party for Sirius wasn't a bad idea, especially in times like these. There had been two attacks on Muggles this week.

"Okay, if that's what you want," said Remus. "Have you got any plans so far?"

"What about…oh, that's silly, forget it," said Lily, who had just returned with refreshments. They were sitting in the self same living room where Remus had comforted Lily the night James' parents had died. Only now, it was James' house.

"No, tell us, love," insisted James.

"You could hand over the house to him…you know, for the time of his party. Let him decide what he wants to do on his birthday. And we as his guests would have to go along."

"Are you suicidal?" asked Peter.

Lily giggled and sat down beside her husband. "No, I just thought he might have gone soft since school."

"I can assure you, he hasn't," said Remus, smiling wryly. He remembered too well what Sirius had done to his landlady. Bewitching all of her pictures to utter indecent things whenever she was alone was the least of it. He had also charmed her keys and shoes to hide from her. Remus didn't exactly approve of Sirius' revenge but he couldn't say that he felt pity for his landlady.

"I've got a better idea. Remember Sinistra Clearwater?" asked James. Lily frowned.

"Er, you mean the Ravenclaw Sirius used to drool over in fifth year?" Peter looked expectantly.

"The same. Well, she is a future Healer just like Lily. Wouldn't it be great to set them up?"

Remus snorted into his Pumpkin juice but since Peter had done the same it didn't attract particular attention. Except for Lily's but she only frowned at him.

"You want to set up the most infamous womaniser on this isle?" asked Peter in disbelief. "Why?"

"A steady girlfriend would do him good," shrugged James, slightly annoyed that his idea wasn't received with undivided enthusiasm. Lily looked as though she was about to say something, hence Remus decided to act.

"Prongs, by all means, invite Clearwater," he said genially. Lily shot him a surprised glance. "You know, I really want to see whether you're any good at anticipating Padfoot's taste in women," he added, chuckling, and winked at Lily. James' idiotic idea could turn out to be very amusing. Besides it was the ideal revenge, for Sirius had charmed his socks into groping his feet this morning.

"At least one of you understands my genius," grinned James, reassured. Lily and Peter rolled their eyes, though for different reasons.

Lily took him aside before he left. "Why did you support this obviously daft plan?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Why not? It's going to be fun."

"Excuse me? Maybe I'm wrong but after the funeral things appeared to be better between the two of you…and well, I thought you were…" Lily turned beetroot red.

"Yeah…I can't deny that we…er…sorted certain things out." Remus blushed himself.

"And?" asked Lily stubbornly.

"And _nothing_. We won't tell James or Peter. What do you think they say if they ever find out how long we've kept it from them? Besides, I've shared a dorm with them for seven years. They're not too enthusiastic about poofs and I'm happy to be on speaking terms with all four of you again," whispered Remus urgently.

Lily looked at him for a long moment and then nodded. "But it's not because Sirius wants to keep it quiet?" she asked, worried.

"No, he would have told James by now. You know how he is," smiled Remus.

Lily smiled back. "Yes, I suppose I know since it was I who caught him after curfew hundreds of times."

"LILY?" hollered James. Lily rolled her eyes but kept smiling.

"Yes, I'm here."

James joined them and asked curiously, "What are you doing in here?"

"Performing lewd and lascivious acts, of course," answered Remus dryly.

* * *

Sirius watched the man lying beside him. His light brown hair was clammy and little pearls of sweat clung to his upper lip. His cheeks were flushed and his breathing was still erratic. 

"Stop watching me," murmured Remus, his mouth twitching to suppress a smile.

"Can't do that, sorry," grinned Sirius breathlessly.

"Why not?" asked Remus, looking up.

_Because you're fucking beautiful. _"Because…the alternative is unthinkable," answered Sirius smugly and rolled on top of his lover. If he hadn't just shagged Remus senseless he would definitely do it now.

"Ooomph," said Remus but pulled Sirius into a deep and languorous kiss.

Sirius loved sleeping with Remus as much as falling asleep with Remus. He loved settling in after sex, the way Remus played with his hair and feeling his breath against his neck. He was about to doze off when Remus propped his chin on Sirius' chest.

"What?" mumbled Sirius.

"I really shouldn't tell you after what you did to my socks…but well, I'm such a good friend. Prongs is going to do something stupid on your birthday," said Remus slowly and Sirius could feel the smile more than that he saw it.

"Prongs doing something stupid? Unheard of!" joked Sirius.

Remus chuckled silently. "Yeah, well…he had this idea…he wants to set you up with Sinistra Clearwater."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and raised his head. "He what?"

"He thinks that you're in desperate need of a steady girlfriend. Clearwater is apparently the best he came up with."

"And let me guess…you backed him up to see me squirm."

Remus burst into silent laughter. "Well, revenge is sweet. And now you've got two weeks to look forward to double dating her and…well, me."

"Hm, let me think that through. Doesn't that mean I can decide whom of you I'll take home later? I mean, Clearwater has nice…hngh," wheezed Sirius because of Remus' tickle attack. They wrestled around for a while till Sirius had Remus pinned to the bed, straddling him. "Bastard," he grinned mischievously. "What do you think keeps me from telling James that I prefer buggering _you _instead of Clearwater?"

"My charming personality?" panted Remus, smirking up to him and trying to wriggle himself free.

"Hardly," leered Sirius, holding both of Remus' wrists down with one arm and drawing the nails of his other hand luxuriously over the other man's chest and belly. Remus stopped wriggling and gasped for breath.

"Bad doggie," he said reproachfully, golden eyes full of lust and laughter. "Tis not fair."

Sirius repeated the motion, smiling deviously, and was rewarded with another gasp and goose bumps. Maybe he would postpone sleeping for a while. "Oh you know the saying. All's fair in love and war."

* * *

Remus had had a busy day so far. He had been looking for a new flat, training with Moody and sitting in the Ministry library to decipher an ancient scroll of parchment Dumbledore had given him. He didn't have time for lunch because he had to hasten to Diagon Alley for a birthday present. He still didn't know what to buy Sirius but time was running out fast. 

Diagon Alley wasn't as crowded as Remus remembered it from his childhood. He hadn't paid attention to the changes but this time he suddenly realised the empty shops and grim customers scurrying from one shop to another. Wanted wizards and witches glared down at him from huge posters. Remus recognised Goyle, Lestrange and Sirius' cousin Bellatrix Black Lestrange. Remus hurried along and finally bought Sirius a new set of Gobstones and a sneakoscope for good measure. Moody's paranoia was really rubbing off on him, thought Remus slightly amused.

He headed back to his flat, a place he didn't frequent lately because he slept at Sirius' place most of the time, and took a shower. Two days ago he had received a letter from his mother, informing him that his great-uncle Jasper had died. Another death in a series of deaths and Remus didn't pretend to mourn him because he had hardly known his great-uncle. For two days he had postponed visiting his mother but he knew that paying her a visit was as inevitable as her curtain lecture.

He Apparated into her garden so that he wouldn't be seen by the neighbours.

"Mom?" he called and stepped carefully over herbage beds. "Are you home?"

The wooden door opened and his mother's face smiled at him. "Remus! Finally! I thought the letter had gone astray. Come in!" Remus smiled back but couldn't help feeling strained. This visit wasn't going to be pleasant, he felt it in his bones.

"So," said his mother after she had provided him with cold milk and chocolate cake. "You've heard about your uncle's death."

"I'm sorry," said Remus tentatively. His mother nodded, looking a little pale.

"How are your ribs?" she asked.

"Oh, that was over a week ago. I'm fine. Lily concocted an excellent potion. You know she has always been good at potions and-"

"Let's not talk about your friends. I hardly see you these days, son. What happens in _your_ life?" interjected his mother.

"Oh," said Remus. It was no good concealing it. "I have to find a new flat by the end of the month." Only three more days. He took a large gulp of milk.

"Why?"

"Well, the landlady wants to rent my flat to someone else," he answered. He wasn't _really_ lying.

"I see," said his mother, looking as if she understood indeed. There was an uncomfortable silence and Remus concentrated on eating his cake.

"You know, your uncle Jasper owned a cottage. It's in the middle of nowhere just above Newcastle and I wanted to sell it. As far as I know nobody has lived there for five years…but you could." Brown eyes looked at him expectantly. Why on earth would he want to live in the wilderness? He had been there once at the age of seven or eight and it was _very_ remote if he remembered correctly.

"Think about it, Remus. No rent and no prying neighbours. It's probably run-down but it has a fireplace."

"Yes…well, I'll go there and have a look. James, Peter and Sirius could help me fix it, I guess," said Remus hesitantly. He knew that he was being silly. Wizards could travel fast and it didn't matter where he lived. London was overly expensive and moving to the North was the most reasonable thing to do. Still…something was wrong.

His mother sipped on her tea and mumbled, "If you go on seeing Sirius it's probably the best choice." Remus almost choked on the cake in his mouth. Anger flashed through him. He shot her an incredulous glance and she had the decency to look abashed.

"Right, mom…ship the freaks out," Remus said icily.

"That's not what I meant," she said hastily. "But I told you…and you're usually so rational. He isn't…well, why can't you just find a nice girl?" Remus needed two seconds to stomach the enormity of her question.

"Hoping for grandchildren? Sorry to disappoint you but werewolves aren't allowed to father children. As to your question, _mother_," he said, disappointment dripping from the last word, "whom do you think I should date? A nice Muggle girl, who hasn't a clue about the war or magic? How do you think I'm supposed to explain the scars?"

"Remus, I-", tried his mother, looking pale and shaky.

"A witch? They've grown up with bedtime stories about werewolves mauling innocent maidens. How could I trust any of them not to let on my secret in public?"

"You could certainly-"

"No, I can't! And you might have noticed that Sirius is a bloke. I like it that way. And honestly, _mother_, I don't think that it is any of your business whom I date or fuck," Remus said, breathing hard. He hadn't known that he could be so furious at his mother.

"Remus!" she said, trying to regain her authority. "I've never treated you any different because of what you are."

"Right now you did!" Remus snapped, sick of looking at her. How _could_ she? He got up and moved towards the door.

"Remus, don't go like that. I didn't-"

He turned around abruptly and looked down at her. "You did!" He watched her blush. "I'll probably move up there. Don't worry, you won't have to watch your perverted freak of a son following his dark path into doom," he said in a low voice, sarcasm in every syllable. And with that he Disapparated.

* * *

"So, that's it?" asked Peter. 

"Positive," answered Remus. They were standing in front of great-uncle Jasper's cottage. Or the remains of it.

"Remind me again why you prefer living here instead of shacking up with Padfoot?" asked James incredulously.

"Look, we went through that already. I like to have a place of my own. And you agreed to help me fix it up," answered Remus, using his reasonable-prefect voice. Sirius felt a pang of guilt for keeping their relationship secret from his best friend. But Remus got what Remus wanted and if he wasn't ready yet, Sirius had to accept it. He wouldn't betray him again.

"Let's get it done, Potter, or I tell your wife what a sluggard you are," demanded Sirius, jumping on James and tackling him.

"Children," said Peter and used _Levicorpus _on James.

"Are we finished with playing?" asked Remus but Sirius knew that he was probably smiling inwardly at his friends' capers. Peter grinned and James fell to the ground with a muffled thud. Sirius chuckled and straightened his robes.

"Nice pants, mate," he sniggered, drew his wand and turned to Remus. "Ready?"

They worked until sunset and when they finally sat exhausted in the middle of the living room the house was inhabitable. The roof was leak-proof again and the small rooms were tolerably tidy. James had transfigured some old sticks into kitchen shelves and Sirius had charmed the fireplace clean. Peter and Remus had cleaned the tiny bathroom and repaired the kitchen sink. Thank Merlin for magic!

"I'm dead," groaned James.

"You'd better be alive tomorrow when we get Moony's stuff here," said Sirius dryly. His whole body was itching from coal dust.

"You don't have to come here again. Really, mates, I can manage alone," said Remus. He looked as exhausted as the rest of them but there was something cheerful in his eyes. Sirius realised that he was happy that his friends were involved this time and that he didn't have to hide his place from them.

"Sure, Lupin," said James, rolling his eyes. He got up, groaning. "Tomorrow, eight o'clock, Moony's place."

* * *

Remus clung to Sirius, the wind lashing at his face. 

"Isn't it great?" yelled Sirius against the wind. He always asked the same question when they were flying on his bike and as usual Remus answered, "Yeah!" Flying with Sirius was scary and wild and exciting and _great_.

They were late for Sirius' birthday party because the birthday boy had assured him that being punctual was not on and had spent lots of time in front of his mirror. Why he combed his hair to perfection only to ruin it by flying at full speed instead of using the Floo was beyond Remus. But then, Sirius had never been logical. Remus closed his eyes and revelled in the scent of motor oil, autumn air and Sirius. When they landed, he was slightly dazed.

"There you are," cried James, waving happily. "Oh, jolly good, you brought Moony." Remus blushed slightly. Of course, he had spent the night with Sirius but James didn't know about the special present he had given him.

Potter Manor was illuminated to the last corner and crowded with old friends and school mates. Remus was hit hard by the noise and the heat and when he came to his senses James and Sirius were gone. Fortunately, the first person he ran into was Alice Longbottom, who pushed a glass of punch into his hand and led him to where Lily, looking radiant in her dark green robes, Frank and the Prewett brothers were sitting.

"Oh, good, you found Lupin," said Frank. "What do you think; is a simple protection charm sufficient against a giant?"

"Oh, no," exclaimed Alice exasperatedly. "No Auror talk today. Remus isn't even an Auror."

"Yeah, but Moody said he is an ace at Defense." Frank looked expectantly at Remus, who hoped that they wouldn't talk about why he wasn't an Auror next.

"Alice is right, this is supposed to be a party," smiled Lily, scanning the crowd. "Remus, look over there," she grinned after a while. He followed her gaze and discovered a familiar face. It took him three seconds to place it before he started chuckling. Someone had invited Matthew O'Grady.

Half an hour later, James joined them. He dropped next to Lily and put an arm lazily around her.

"Guess who just arrived," he asked his wife. Remus, who had secretly hoped that James had dropped his plan to set up Sirius and Clearwater, groaned inwardly.

Sinistra Clearwater had been two years ahead at Hogwarts and was an experienced flirt. It was true, Sirius had drooled over her in fifth year and it was also true that Clearwater had given him the cold shoulder, though James claimed it had only been pretence. Remus still thought that it was fun to make Sirius a little uncomfortable but to be honest, he was worried as well. This was some kind of test for their relationship and Remus wasn't sure who was being tested.

When he went to get some Butterbeer he saw Sirius dancing closely with Clearwater, who hadn't changed since school. Her brown curly hair was pinned up, her green eyes sparkled and her rosy lips were slightly parted. She was very beautiful. Sirius had one hand on the small of her back and swirled her around, grinning broadly. Something in Remus' stomach tightened. Look, who's jealous now, remarked the small voice in his head.

"Nice couple, eh?" said a male voice close to his ear. Remus jerked around and found himself face to face with Matthew O'Grady. They hadn't talked a lot in school but had worked together in Charms once in a while. O'Grady's eyes were dazed; he was certainly pretty drunk.

"Has he ever told you that we made out and got caught by Evans?" he asked, drawling.

"Yes," said Remus evenly. A maudlin ex lover was exactly was he needed right now.

" The weird thing's that 'm sure he hadn't done it before…yeh know, kissing a bloke," he slurred. "But 'twas phenomenal, best snogging ever."

"Good for you," Remus answered coolly.

"No, 'tisn't 'cause he got back to dating gals, didn't he." O'Grady was doubtlessly better looking than Remus, even drunk. Before Remus could question the fact that Sirius was dating him for a reason, he threw a quick glance at his dancing friend and was startled by the possessive look he received in return. Sirius was still dancing with Clearwater but his grey eyes were fixed on _him_. A pleasant shiver ran through Remus. Maybe talking to maudlin ex lovers wasn't so bad at all, he thought.

"Oi, Remus," cried a familiar voice. Susan Hunt, his fellow prefect at Hogwarts, had spotted him and pushed her way through the crowd. She threw her arms around him and pulled him into an unexpected hug. "Hey, O'Grady," she added.

"Susan, nice to see you," said Remus, smiling, but disentangled himself quickly. He had never been keen on physical contact. He didn't complain though, when he felt Sirius' warm hand on his shoulder.

"Having fun, Moony?" Sirius asked and added coolly, "O'Grady, Hunt, you remember Clearwater, don't you?" Remus smirked inwardly because he knew what this arrogant air meant. They talked for quite a while before Remus excused himself and went to the toilet. On his way back he met a very amused Lily.

"Remus, don't tell me you're not enjoying this! You're plain evil," she giggled.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," he said, using the innocent look he had perfected over seven years at school. She slapped him playfully.

"I can't believe I haven't seen it before. He's like a watchdog. Poor Sinistra. Poor _James_," Lily sniggered.

"Keep it down," smiled Remus nervously.

"I won't tell anyone until you're ready, promise. I just…watching him is so much fun," said Lily. And it was. Remus felt Sirius' gaze on him wherever he went, though admittedly, Remus made sure that he kept talking to people who weren't part of their little group. And then suddenly he realised that Sirius' attention wasn't really out of the ordinary, that he had always kept an eye on him. The tight feeling in his stomach had long ago turned into dizzying warmth.

* * *

Sirius had planned on making Remus a little jealous in return for the date with Clearwater. This however had turned out much more difficult than he had expected. Seeing _his _Remus talking with O'Grady, who as he knew for a fact was quite bent, or being hugged by Hunt was rather not amusing. Not amusing at all. And so Sirius smiled and laughed, grinned and leered while keeping a close eye on the man he loved. Of course he saw that Remus was enjoying this, sly bastard that he was. 

The night went on and the guests thinned out. Sirius noticed some disappointed glances from several girls he hadn't talked to at all.

"Padfoot, mate, what's wrong with you?" asked James, who had suddenly appeared beside him. They were standing in the kitchen and Sirius was drinking a Muggle beer, something he had to get used to.

"What the hell are you on about?" asked Sirius, playing with the bottle in his hands.

"Well, I just saw Clearwater moping in the living room. She's hot, at least that's what you kept telling me. Still, you are here, holding on to your beer." James looked annoyed.

"Yeah, she _is_ hot. But I can't stand being set up, as you very well know, Potter," answered Sirius slowly, eyes fixed on Remus' back again. "It's not as if I had problems with pulling girls…or guys for that matter."

"Oh no, you're not thinking of O'Grady again? Yuck, that guy threw up in my grandfather's Ming vase," said James. Sirius turned his head and burst out laughing at the look of utter disgust on James' face. James tried to look indignant before he joined Sirius' laughter.

"I am going to call it a night," interrupted Remus' voice.

"You can sleep in one of the guest rooms," suggested James.

"Tough luck, mate, everywhere is full. And if you are wondering where Wormtail is? He and Susanna passed out in Padfoot's bed," grinned Remus.

"Oh that's disgusting!" exclaimed Sirius and James simultaneously.

"You could stay with the dog, he's got a spare room," said James. Sirius shot Remus a quick glance. Good thinking, Moony, he acknowledged silently.

"I don't know, Prongs. Didn't you say that Clearwater was sulking in the living room? Maybe I should go and comfort her," was what Sirius said out loud. Remus' smug face cracked. "Ah well, what wouldn't I do for my friends? Nice party, James, see you tomorrow."

As soon as they arrived in his fireplace, Sirius dragged Remus along and shoved him against the wall. "So, enjoyed yourself much, didn't you?" he asked and pressed his lips against Remus'.

"Quite," answered Remus into the kiss, fumbling with Sirius' shirt. "You didn't like that I talked to O'Grady." It wasn't a question.

"You…you didn't like me dancing with Clearwater," gasped Sirius, dragging Remus' shirt over his head and revelling in the feeling of his lover's skin under his hands.

"No…ah…no, I didn't," replied Remus breathlessly and pulled Sirius into a bruising kiss. They undressed each other roughly, biting and kissing as if to mark their territory. Remus' hands roamed Sirius' body possessively, their tongues fought for dominance and Sirius wasn't sure whether they had ever been that passionate.

"Turn around," he demanded throatily. Remus' golden eyes were unnaturally bright in the flickering firelight and he smiled an arcane smile before he complied. Sirius growled when their bodies became joined and his moves were determined and hard, each of them claiming Remus as _his_. Moaning each other's names they came closer and closer until the tension was too much and they lost themselves in white heated pleasure.

"Oh," was all Remus said when they slid down the wall.

"Fuck…that was…," panted Sirius, still dizzy from orgasm. They calmed down in breathless silence.

"You're a possessive bugger, aren't you?" bantered Remus, smiling fondly, and pulled Sirius closer.

"You wouldn't like me any other way," grinned Sirius and covered Remus' neck with light kisses. "By the way, thanks for my presents."

* * *

"What the hell happened?" Sirius stared wide-eyed at the scenario in front of him. 

"An attack. They caught them flat-footed in the middle of the night. Fucking _bastards_," cursed Gideon Prewett and kicked the nearest piece of furniture. On the staircase, twisted in a preposterous angle, lay the body of Marlene McKinnon. Her eyes were staring blindly at the ceiling.

"How…how did they get in? The McKinnons put protections charms on their house," said Remus in a low voice. He looked horror-struck and Sirius assumed that he looked the same. It was the first fatal attack on an Order member. Marlene had fought, the upper floor was havocked and there were burning marks on the walls. She had alarmed the Order of the Phoenix and the Prewett brothers, Moody and Lily and James had arrived before Voldemort and his henchmen left but too late to save McKinnon and her family. Sirius and Remus had been at Remus' place so the Patronus Marlene sent had taken longer to reach them.

"Why did they…kill the children?" asked Lily, tears in her eyes. Her right arm was slashed and she held it tight in front of her chest. Sirius felt nauseous when he thought about losing any of his friends.

"Lily, let me see that…_Episkey_!" he said, suppressing the urge to shout and lash out at anyone. Her hands were cold and she was trembling. "It's going to be alright," Sirius said, trying desperately to sound convinced.

"No, it's not," said James shakily from the door. His head was bandaged and his glasses were askew. Dumbledore stood solemnly behind him.

"Someone sold them out," James went on and Sirius felt the air knocked out of his lungs. "There's a bloody traitor among us."

Sirius looked at Dumbledore but he didn't contradict James. So it had to be true. Lily let out a sob and flung herself at her husband. James held her tight but his fierce eyes never left Sirius'. This was war and now it had reached their ranks. Sirius nodded gravely, promising silently to stand by James no matter what.

There he stood, in the living room of a murdered family, thirsting for revenge with fear gnawing at his insides. He found the same fear in Remus' eyes. There was a traitor…

..._to be continued_

* * *

_I really wanted to write Jealous!Sirius and Overprotective!Mother again, only this time with a different outcome. Next chapter won't be too funny anymore because sadly, the war has reached them._I hope you all liked it. Take a minute and** review**! 


	16. of having secrets

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JKR and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **Thanks to my beta readers for still being with me. This is a rather gloomy chapter but then, I had to bring the war in sometime. Mr Hill and the agent are OCs.

* * *

_chapter sixteen: of having secrets_

"Moony, hurry up, we'll be late for the funeral!" Sirius was sitting in what Remus called his living-kitchen, eating burnt toast, while Remus fumbled with his old school robes.

"I'd be finished already if you told me which one looks less ridiculous," remarked Remus. He had outgrown them both but they were the only black robes he had.

"You could have borrowed one of mine," mumbled Sirius.

"Well, it's too late now, isn't it? Just tell me," snapped Remus impatiently.

"The other one then," sighed Sirius. "And while we're on it…when are you planning on having your fireplace connected to the bloody Floo network?"

"Um, haven't had the time yet," answered Remus, glad to be engaged in combing his hair. It was a lie, of course it was. But he really didn't want to advertise his problems with the Beast Division. He shot Sirius a quick glance and saw something flicker in his eyes. Bugger, Sirius seemed to smell blatant lies like these.

"I could do it for you," Sirius suggested innocently, cramming the last piece of toast into his mouth.

"Pads, you eat like a pig," grinned Remus, trying to distract him.

"I do," Sirius munched proudly, chewed twice more and swallowed hard. "That's rebellious, you know. But it's not working, Moony. I will file for the Floo because _this_ is unbearable." Sirius waved one elegant hand to emphasise the matter.

"I've been living without a connected fireplace since I left school."

"Yeah, and how many times did you get sloshed and had to stay at Prongs' or my place because you were in no condition to Apparate?"

"It's not as if you minded," countered Remus, knowing exactly that he was fighting a losing battle.

"I don't," said Sirius with an unreadable expression on his face. "And I don't mind you having the Floo either."

"We're late," said Remus softly.

* * *

"Merlin, I swear I will kill that bastard with my bare hands. No magic," hissed Sirius, gripping his Firewhiskey so firmly that his knuckles turned white. 

"You'd have to know who it is first," said Peter in a low voice.

"Really, smart ass?" snapped Sirius and his eyes glinted malevolently.

"Pads, don't you think you've had enough?" asked Remus tentatively. He had been worried about Sirius since they had left his cottage. The funeral had been disastrous for him. Remus had watched Sirius retreating further and further inside his own self, closing all feelings off. He knew what it was like for him. After all, he had lost his father almost two years ago. But the Potters were dead for only four months and Sirius should have spent enough time in a graveyard already. Marlene McKinnon had been a brusque but sincere woman and many people had liked and admired her. Her body had been burnt together with her husband and her two little daughters.

Now the four Marauders and Lily were sitting in the Three Broomsticks, the Longbottoms had already taken their leave.

"How can anyone do that and still be able to face himself in the mirror?" asked James gloomily.

Remus knew. "I am as angry as any of you but the traitor might not have done it voluntarily. Have you ever thought about that?" Sirius and James looked at him as if he'd grown a second head. "I'm saying that he or she might have been threatened, tortured or blackmailed."

Peter's nose twitched nervously, something that reminded Remus of his Animagus form. "Are you saying that we should _pity_ him?"

"No, that's not what he was saying," said Lily sharply. "We just shouldn't jump to conclusions about someone we probably know." She gave him a half-smile.

Sirius resumed staring into his glass and Remus resumed worrying about him.

"That doesn't justify betrayal, love," said James suddenly and fiercely.

"It doesn't," agreed his wife. "But what would you do if anyone threatened to kill me? Or Peter? Or Sirius? Or-"

"I WOULD FIGHT THEM!" roared Sirius and the rest of them flinched at his unexpected outburst. Some of the other guests threw them suspicious glances.

"I think Moony is right. You've had enough, Padfoot. We all have. Let's call it a night, shall we?" James was already moving. Sirius grunted and finished his drink.

"You comin' Moony?" he asked as soon as they had paid and gathered in front of the fireplace.

"Oh, Remus, you're welcome to sleep in our guestroom if you want to," offered James. Sirius stiffened. Lily bit her lip and shot Remus an apologetic look.

"No, thanks. I'm staying with Sirius," Remus answered, bracing himself. This was going to be a long night with a drunken Sirius accusing him of not taking their relationship seriously enough to tell James. Sirius disappeared in green flames. Remus sighed, stepped into the fireplace and threw the Floo powder.

Whatever Remus had anticipated, he hadn't expected to be drawn into a bone-crushing embrace and a desperate kiss as soon as he arrived in Sirius' house.

"Hng!" was all he said before Sirius dragged him onto the sofa. None of them said anything coherent for quite a while. At last Remus peeked down at the tangled mess of black hair on his chest.

"Sirius?" he asked without hesitation, knowing full well that the other man wasn't asleep.

"What?" came the surprisingly sober reply. "I thought shagging would shut you up."

"You are as charming as ever," grinned Remus despite himself.

"Family trait," said Sirius, stifling a yawn. He shifted his position slightly and propped his head on his arm. Black hair hung into grey eyes, that didn't give anything away. "You feel talkative, don't you?" Remus shrugged almost imperceptibly. He didn't seek confrontations…

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, brushing bothersome strands aside. "Look, I hate losing people I care about. I hate funerals. I hate the fucking war. I hate that there's a traitor and that it's someone I know. So all in all, I had a shitty day because it reminded me of lots of things I hate. I thought about ending the day with an emotionally nasty and superfluous fight, I really did," Sirius said and smiled at his last words, "but then I thought that I'd prefer ending it with you swearing at me and _not_ meaning it."

Remus couldn't help but smile at Sirius. You could say whatever you wanted about Sirius Black but he _never_ stopped surprising you.

* * *

"So what's the big news?" asked Peter, shifting impatiently on his chair. James had sold Potter Mansion and he and Lily were now living in Cornwall. It was the middle of December and it was one of the first really cold winter days. Lily had made hot chocolate, for which Remus in particular seemed extremely grateful. Sirius smiled absent-mindedly when he thought back to their days at Hogwarts. Remus had gone to ridiculous lengths in order to get hot chocolate at night. These days were irrevocably gone, of course. So many things had happened since they left school and now Lily and James were going to announce more big news. Sirius knew what was coming. James had told him a week ago, a little confused but beaming happily. Everything was changing so damn fast. 

"Well, James insisted on telling you officially. I have my doubts that this comes as a surprise to all of you," she said, throwing a quick glance to Sirius, "but here we go. Please take a deep breath and brace yourselves. James is going to be a father." Remus and Peter stared open-mouthed at James, who grinned wryly.

"Thanks, love. I knew I had to pay for bringing strawberry ice cream. Sooooo, what do you say?" James beamed at his friends. Remus was the first to get a grip on himself.

"Congratulations Lily. Are you sure it's his?" he grinned and ducked just in time. James' Langlock jinx hit Peter.

"Very funny, Lupin," cried James and tried to get a clear shot at Remus.

"Yes, pretty sure," sighed Lily, winking at Remus, who hid behind his chair. Meanwhile Peter was trying to open his mouth, making choking noises.

Lily drew her wand. "_Finite Incantatem!_"

Peter moved his jaws comically before he asked, "So how on earth did this happen?"

"Wormtail do I really have to explain the basics to you?" asked Sirius, wriggling his eyebrows.

"No, no!" Peter turned red. "Bu-but I…you know…you're really young and stuff? Only nineteen."

"James here isn't so young. My grandfather Arcturus, nutter that he is, was only fourteen when he experienced the joys of fatherhood for the first time." Sirius tried to sound as casual as possible. He really wanted to support James although he secretly agreed with Peter. They were awfully young. Sirius felt Remus' eyes on him. "What?"

Remus sat down once again and smiled complacently. "You knew."

"James Potter!" cried Lily exasperatedly.

"Oh, come on, you _knew_ I'd tell Sirius. He's my brother in everything but blood. Well, on second thought even that." Apparently nothing could spoil James' good mood and Sirius couldn't help grinning.

"Why am I even complaining?" Lily asked the ceiling.

"No idea!" Sirius answered smugly.

* * *

"Bloody hell, Remus! Why can't you just go there and apply directly?" Sirius felt his temper rising. 

"Why can't you leave it alone? You don't understand," snapped Remus. He stood with his back to Sirius, putting cleaned cups back onto the shelf.

"No, I don't! How could I? You never fucking explain it, do you?"

"That's because it's none of your business. I can live without a Floo just fine!" The cup clanked down onto the shelf.

"Yeah, but you don't have to! It's January for Merlin's sake! You must have had the time to apply." Sirius wouldn't let go this time. He crossed the distance between them and whirled Remus around, forcing him to look at him. "Can't you just tell me the truth?" he asked resignedly. Brown eyes were lowered to the floor.

"They won't do it. They won't connect my fireplace," said Remus in a low, contrite voice.

"What? Wait…why?" Sirius didn't see why this was so difficult. He hadn't had any problems.

"Do you really have to ask that?" asked Remus softly and looked Sirius straight into the eye. Understanding dawned on Sirius and he cursed himself for not having seen it earlier.

"No, no they…that's not because you're-"

"Yes, same old, same old. Now, will you leave it alone?" Sirius' hand had still been on his friend's shoulder and now he felt it slowly removed. Remus had never been stubborn and Sirius understood why he wasn't. That's why James and he were persistent for him.

"No," he said firmly and Remus raised a questioning eyebrow. "We're going to the Werewolf Registry tomorrow and we won't leave without the permission for your Floo."

"Pads, that's really-" Remus tried but Sirius cut his objections out with a kiss. He took his time to explore his lover's mouth, sucking on his tongue and lower lip. When he pulled away Remus looked thoroughly kissed and slightly dazed.

"Okay?" Sirius asked, smiling his most seductive smile.

"Okay," answered Remus throatily and kissed him back.

* * *

Why did he always give in to Sirius? He hated being in the Werewolf Registry. He hated the smell and how the people there looked at him. What he hated the most was that everything there reminded him of his lycanthropy. 

"Pads, before we go in, I need you to promise something," Remus said. "Don't hex people for treating me like an animal. That doesn't help my cause and they write it down in my record."

Sirius was obviously taken aback. He had never accompanied Remus to the registry and from what he looked like, he hadn't expected anything like this. The corridors were green or white and they always reminded Remus of the Muggle sanatoriums he had seen in films. It smelled of tranquillisers and anaesthetics. After waiting twenty minutes, they were called into a small office. Remus had been there before though it was always a different wizard or witch. They did this on purpose so that no dark creature was treated differently, but of course it was always different. They just didn't want werewolves and responsible agents to become too friendly. No fraternising with the enemy, remarked the sarcastic voice in Remus' head.

This time it was a rather thin witch with thick glasses and a pointy face.

"Mr…um, Lupin. Take a seat. Oh, you've brought…?" She also had a thin, nasal voice and looked at Sirius expectantly through her glasses.

"I'm a friend," said Sirius stiffly and sat down next to Remus.

"Right, Mr Lupin, you're here because you've applied for your fireplace to be connected to the official Floo network, is that correct?"

"Yes, ma'am." Remus knew what was coming next. She would be asking him various private questions and then she would turn him down.

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"When were you bitten?"

"When I was little, I don't…I don't remember, I guess I was six."

"Yes, I see that here," she said with her nasal voice. Remus threw Sirius a warning look and shook his head. "Have you bitten anyone?"

"No, ma'am."

"What do your parents do for a living?"

"My father is dead and my mom works in college."

"College, Mr Lupin?"

"Yes, she's a Muggle."

"I see. Do you live with her?"

"No, I live on my own."

"Do you?" she asked and looked up from her paperwork.

"Yes, that's why I'm here. My fireplace isn't connected to the Floo."

"I'm well aware why you're here. If you had told me that you lived alone I would have told you right away that this is hopeless business. The Ministry won't connect your fireplace if you're not under custody."

"Custody?" asked Sirius in a low voice. Remus tried to catch his eyes and shut him up but Sirius' attention was fixed on the woman in front of him.

"Yes, of course. We can't endanger wizards and witches in such a manner. Werewolves could Floo into a Wizarding home and launch an attack on innocent children. We won't make it that easy for _them_." Remus didn't even flinch anymore.

"Remus is part of that society. He _is_ a wizard," said Sirius in a strained voice. Remus could see that he was gripping his armrests so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Mr Lupin is a registered werewolf and werewolves are classified as dark creatures."

"He's perfectly human for thirty days of the month. If he wanted to attack innocent children he could very well use _my_ fireplace," replied Sirius, looking at the witch with cold eyes.

"And you are?" asked the thin woman.

"Sirius _Black_," Sirius said in a dangerously calm voice. Remus had never heard Sirius using his family name like that, emphasising it, and filling it with meaning. He had never seen such a quick change in any agent's behaviour either. The thin woman paled visibly and straightened up. She blinked several time and cleared her throat.

"Mr Black, I see. Well, maybe…if you vouched for Mr Lupin," she said, her thin voice shaking slightly.

"You don't have to do that, Sirius," interjected Remus. Sirius snorted and shot him a nasty look.

"I'm inclined to do just that but if my friend here isn't connected to the Floo by the end of the week I'll be seriously _displeased_." Remus had always known that Sirius had some innate authority but he had never seen it working on someone older. He usually charmed people into doing whatever he wanted but this time he…he acted like the heir of the ancient house he was or rather had been before he ran away.

"Sure, Mr Black. If I'd known…well, Mr Lupin, it looks as if your application is approved. Your record is excellent and I don't see any reason why your fireplace shouldn't be connected to the Floo network," she said in a slightly steadier voice, her eyes shifting nervously from Sirius to him.

"Thank you," said Remus politely, although he really never wanted to see that woman again.

They were out in the corridor shortly after and Remus was still baffled that he had actually got what he came for. A voice calling "Remus!" after them startled him out of his musings. He jerked around, afraid that the agent had changed her mind somehow but the voice belonged to an elderly wizard, who looked somewhat familiar. Sirius shot him a questioning look but Remus could only shrug.

"Remus Lupin!" beamed the wizard, when he approached them. He wasn't so old but utterly colourless. His hair was completely white and his eyes were of a strangely watery-blue colour. His thin lips were without even a hint of red. And then Remus remembered him from his father's funeral.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You worked with my father, didn't you?"

"I did. He was a decent man and we miss him sorely. How are you, Remus? I haven't seen you since the funeral. Marcus was always so proud of you," assured the colourless wizard.

"Um, fine, thank you," answered Remus, wondering what on earth the man in front of him was called.

"Sorry," said the man suddenly. "I forgot that Marcus told me a lot more about you than he told you about me. I'm Gregory Hill."

"Oh, Mr Hill!" exclaimed Remus. Of course, he remembered Mr Hill but the man he remembered didn't resemble the man in front of him. "You…look different."

"Oh, right, always forget about that. Colour-draining curse. Vampire got me," said Mr Hill casually as though being drained of all colour wasn't out of the ordinary. "What are you doing here? Nobody likes this place and you used to scream blue murder as a wee boy."

Remus blushed at the memory. "I applied for a Floo connection and thanks to my friend Sirius here I got it. Oh, Merlin, how impolite! Sirius Black, this is Gregory Hill, a friend of my father's."

"Black? Interesting! I've never thought that a Black would befriend a werewolf," smiled Mr Hill and reached out to shake Sirius' hand. Sirius was now apparently sure that the colourless man in front of him knew about Remus' condition. Sensing that he had no problems with him being a werewolf, he shook Mr Hill's hand and grinned at him in greeting.

"Well, I'm the dethroned heir," he said. "I've known Remus since our first year at Hogwarts."

"Good for you, Remus. It's good that you have friends," Mr Hill said and sorrow flickered over his face.

"Mr Hill, are you alright?" asked Remus and took a step forward.

"Yes, boy, I am. It's just…my niece…she was bitten last week. She's only eight and…well, she isn't fine at all. I'm here to visit her," said Mr Hill sadly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. How?" asked Remus and an unpleasant shiver ran through his body. Mr Hill's niece wasn't in St. Mungo's but treated here in the Werewolf Registry. He remembered that place darkly.

"It must be horrible for you to hear that but it was Greyback. After all these years, he's still on the loose and he's still biting children. Damn him!" Mr Hill trembled with rage. Remus was shocked. Greyback had bitten that little girl? He tried not to hate the werewolf who had turned him as a boy but at times like these he really wanted to see him in Azkaban for what he had done. As an afterthought he remembered that Sirius didn't know about Fenrir Greyback. Remus observed him from the corner of his eye but couldn't detect any signs that Sirius had combined these pieces of information. He'd rather they left sooner than later.

"Mr Hill, the best to you and your family! I hope your niece is going to be alright," he said, afflicted.

"Oh, thanks Remus. Yes, I will tell her of a young man who even went to Hogwarts and has made real friends there," Mr Hill replied, smiling slightly.

* * *

After running an errand for Moody, Remus Apparated into the rear of Sirius' house. The weather was typical of January and he was freezing. Two days had gone by since their visit to the Werewolf Registry and Remus hadn't seen Sirius since. 

"Sirius, you home?" he called into the house while taking off his snow-covered shoes.

"Yeah, I just flooed in," came the reply from the living room.

Remus sincerely enjoyed the time he spent with Sirius. Their work for the Order prevented them from having a routine. Sirius was closest to him now and surprisingly he didn't get bored by monogamy. Still, Remus sometimes wondered whether living together for seven years had prepared them so well for a relationship with one another and whether Sirius would realise one day that he could do better and that Remus was far from being exciting enough for his life.

"Must be the coldest winter in years. Merlin, I'm frozen," complained Remus when he entered the living room and approached the fire. Sirius, who was sprawled on his sofa, made a non-committal grunting noise and resumed reading what looked like a report for the Order. Their conversation went on like that until Remus snarled at Sirius for not talking to him.

"Oh, sorry, I'm simply not used to being informed about your life," remarked Sirius absent-mindedly, which of course, he wasn't. Bastard, thought Remus.

"What's your problem?"

"You. And especially you treating me like an idiot," answered Sirius, still sounding as though he was bored.

"I don't," said Remus and turned to the fire to warm his cold fingers.

"You're not leaving," snapped Sirius suddenly, thrusting the report aside.

Remus turned around, surprised. "No, I'm getting warm. My back is still freezing though, because your welcome was more than frosty."

"I hope glacial," growled Sirius. Remus sighed. Sirius could be melodramatic when he was angry and this was obviously one of these moments.

"What have I done?" he asked with a sigh.

"Oh, I'll be delighted to fill you in. You do remember seventh year? I asked you what Narcissa had up her sleeve against you and you told me you had _no_ idea. Fenrir Greyback, Remus?"

Remus felt suddenly colder than outside. "What?" he asked feebly.

"She could have told everyone at school. But leaving that aside, she knew more about you and the most horrible day in your life than your friends. Bloody hell, Remus, why didn't you tell me? Why do I have to learn about Greyback through a stranger?" Sirius was obviously irate. He was still sitting on his sofa but he wasn't relaxed and his handsome face was distorted with anger.

Remus didn't like being forced into the defensive for something that was not really his fault. "After I told my dad _once_, I have never talked about it to anyone, alright? Never again!"

"Yeah, that's the Remus I know," remarked Sirius dryly.

"What did you expect? That I like chatting about Greyback on every occasion?"

"Have I ever bugged you with questions about your condition? Have I ever treated you like I care what you are? Fuck, Remus, I'd do anything for you. In order to get your Floo connected I even used my fucking name as if I'm proud of that scum, something I swore never to do in my entire life. Well, I did _for you_. And you keep shutting me out, hoarding your dirty little secrets because you don't trust me enough to let go of them," spat Sirius.

"Oh, and when was the last time you talked about your family?" scoffed Remus.

Sirius jumped off the sofa and loomed only inches from Remus. "Not that it's relevant or that anyone could blackmail me with it. What do you want to know? That a bloody family carpet ate a puppy my grandma gave me for my tenth birthday? That the heads of beheaded house-elves are adorning the walls of my beloved home? Or maybe that my uncle Cygnus likes associating with Greyback when he needs someone scared out of his wits?" Sirius was breathing heavily.

"He…he does?" asked Remus in a low voice that stood in sharp contrast to Sirius' booming tone.

"Yeah, he does," said Sirius, remarkably calmer. Something like hurt flared up in his eyes and Remus felt unexpectedly bad. He took one of Sirius' warm hands into his but looked into the fire.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. But I told you back then that it's not about trust. I do trust you, Padfoot. I just _can't_ talk about it and honestly I don't want to, either. I don't want the pitiful looks whenever Greyback is mentioned, I don't want you or James to start a vendetta, I don't want to think of Greyback at all. I have to live with what he did to me, it's part of me."

"But why did he do it? Why you?" asked Sirius unusually softly.

Remus took a deep breath. "Because my dad affronted him. He did it to get back at him."

Sirius made a hissing noise and gripped Remus' hand tightly. Remus only shook his head and tried to pull his hand away. But Sirius didn't let go, he never did.

"It's okay. I won't start a vendetta, I won't tell James and I won't talk about it if you don't want to. It's just…I'm glad I know," said Sirius and pulled Remus against him. Remus closed his eyes and breathed in deeply the scent of Sirius, warmth and home. So am I, he thought. So much distrust, fear and hate surrounded him that he was surprised by this discovery.

And he also discovered that having a home to go to was precious in times of war and betrayal. In February Caradoc Dearborn disappeared and they never found out what happened to him. Lily and James were attacked by Voldemort personally in the same month. Two weeks later Dorcas Meadows was murdered. Edgar Bones and his family were killed in March, only three days before Remus' nineteenth birthday. Their world came crushing down on them, anyone could be next. Remus felt the growing paranoia in his friends and himself. Who could be trusted? Lily was afraid for the baby growing inside her and instead of discussing baby parties and possible names she and Alice talked about what would become of their children if anything happened to them.

The Order was demanding more and more time of everyone. Remus spent whole days in libraries, looking for Arithmancy codes and translating crumbling rolls of parchment. In May he went on a secret mission for two weeks on Dumbledore's order, though he didn't leave the country. Sirius was beside himself because he was kept in the dark about where Remus went, but Remus knew that Lily's pregnancy could keep both, James and Sirius, busy.

When he finally came back, covered in dust and a few new scars he Apparated into his cottage first. It was late in the evening but Remus didn't bother lighting his place. He went straight into the bathroom and while taking a shower he wondered whether he was awake enough to visit Sirius. He was startled out of his thoughts by a sudden noise. Carefully, he stepped out and pulled on his robe. Remus never went anywhere without his wand, a fact for which he was eternally grateful now. He held it tightly and slowly opened the door.

"He said that he would be here. So, where is he?" asked a female voice.

"We haven't searched this place properly, have we?" countered a slightly familiar male voice.

"I still don't get why three of us had to go. He's a werewolf for Merlin's sake. He should be happy to join us," another male voice said. Remus shivered in the warm evening air. They knew who and what he was and he had not doubt who they were. Death Eaters in his home!

…_to be continued

* * *

Feedback is very much appreciated! _Thanks to everyone who **reviewed** so far!


	17. sacrifices

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to the Pet Shop Boys and Boy George either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **The lyrics are from "The Crying Game". It's sung in the homonymous film, which is also about trust, deceit and overall love. It's a touching film and I highly recommend it. Besides, this is my new favourite chapter of the story. I really hope you'll enjoy it because, as one reviewer once put it, 'I emoted all over the place' while I was writing it.

* * *

_chapter seventeen: sacrifices_

_One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon, about the crying game_

_And if he knows, maybe he'll explain_

_Why there are heartaches_

_Why there are tears_

_And what to do, to stop feeling blue, when love disappears_

"_Lumos,_" said the female Death Eater and Remus, who stood with his back pressed against the wall, saw shadows moving, reflected onto the wall he was facing. He had never been more grateful for the strange corners and angles of his cottage. Disapparating turned out to be impossible. Damn them.

"Oh, Lupin has become a beggar. Typical half-breed scum, I always knew that," the woman snarled. "Look, he's got a picture of your blood-traitor brother, Regulus." Remus intensified the grip on his wand.

"I told you _never_ to mention him again," answered the voice Remus now knew belonged to Sirius' younger brother.

"Stop this at once," demanded the deep booming voice. "We are here to get this werewolf to work for the Dark Lord and not to leaf through his photo album."

"_If_ he is to be persuaded," said Regulus. "He's never shown any signs of betrayal."

The witch laughed mirthlessly. "Sometimes you're so naïve, Reg." Remus wondered whether the woman was Bellatrix Lestrange. "The Dark Lord thinks that he's going to cooperate but it's not that he has much of a choice. It's either us or death."

Remus had heard enough. He threw a last look at the shadows on the wall and then he threw himself around the corner, aiming at where he knew Regulus and Bellatrix were, hissing "_Expelliarmus_! _Stupefy_!" He ducked in time to escape the Stunning Charm the third Death Eater shot at him and hid behind his sofa.

"Shit," he heard Regulus say. Remus saw the younger Black's wand lying where he had been standing before. _Accio_ _Regulus' wand_, he thought and it flew to him instantly.

"What the hell!" roared the unknown Death Eater and lifted the Stunning charm from Bellatrix. She coughed a couple of times and got noisily back to her feet. Remus moved as quickly as months of training with Moody had taught him and shot the _Incarcerous_ spell at her. He didn't check whether he had hit her but the dull thud and her irate screeches told him that one Death Eater was tied up on the floor.

"You might want to use that wand, Dolohov," snapped Regulus angrily. Remus heard footsteps and braced himself for the attack.

"_Evanesco_!" roared Dolohov. Remus didn't wait for the sofa to vanish and threw himself towards the opposite wall. He saw the two hooded figures now and knew what was coming before Dolohov pointed his wand at him and called out "_Crucio_!" Remus jumped aside and shouted "_Protego_" at the same time. Remus saw Regulus move towards him and shot a Body-Bind Curse at him. Regulus stiffened and dropped to the floor.

"Do _something_, you imbecile," screeched Bellatrix hysterically.

"You forgot to mention that the beast is a bloody good dueller, Black," Dolohov snarled at Sirius' brother and went to remove the spell from Bellatrix. Remus tried to disarm him but Dolohov moved quickly to the side. Bella jumped back to her feet. She was the only one who wasn't wearing a mask and her eyes displayed an untamed madness.

"_Accio wand_!" she hissed seconds later.

"_Expelliarmus!_" shouted Remus. And again, Dolohov was the only armed Death Eater. "You better leave my house," growled Remus, breathing heavily, and pointed his wand directly at the two of them.

"Think, Lupin," purred Bellatrix suddenly. "The Dark Lord rewards his servants. You need –"

"What I _need_ is you to back off," Remus cut her off. Beads of sweat covered his forehead and his knees were trembling with exhaustion but he wouldn't yield.

"You'll regret that," spit Bellatrix venomously but dragged Dolohov towards the fireplace.

"I don't think so," replied Remus dryly. "Don't forget your cousin."

"_Mobilicorpus_," grumbled Dolohov and seconds later the three disappeared into green flames. Everything happened so suddenly that Remus had to blink several times before he realised that they were gone for real. His hand hurt from clenching around his wand and his knees were about to give in. The only visible sign of his visitors was Bellatrix's wand, lying innocently on the floor. Then he remembered that he held Regulus' wand in his other hand. Remus looked at it confusedly. This had been planned, this had been an ambush. _He said that he would be here_. That's what Bellatrix Lestrange had said. The traitor had known when he was expected to be back. Who knew of his secret mission?

Remus found himself on the floor, trembling and fighting a major headache. Deeper thoughts had to wait till tomorrow. He replaced the anti-Disapparition Charm with an anti-Appararition Charm, so that he could get out but nobody was able to Apparate into his cottage. Gathering his last strength, he blocked the fireplace and locked the door magically. In an almost dreamlike state, Remus stumbled into his bedroom and passed out.

It was late morning when he woke up. Remus felt almost as groggy as he had felt when he went to bed. He tiptoed out of the bedroom and checked the rest of the house. His kitchenette was no more and his sofa was gone as well. There was a burning mark next to the fireplace where the Cruciatus Curse had hit the wall. Remus knew he had only survived with sheer luck. He would definitely need some help with repairing his cottage.

But whom could he tell about the attack? He would love to talk to Sirius but he knew that his lover would go berserk if he found out that his brother had been involved. Remus remembered only too well what Sirius had told Regulus in the West Tower in seventh year. Sirius would certainly stop thinking and go after his brother, not giving a damn about the dangers and consequences. Oh, what a mess! How could he not tell him? How could he? Remus' head started spinning again and he quickly drank water right out of the tap. Telling James was out of the question, too, because he couldn't keep a secret from Sirius. So there was only one person left. Peter.

* * *

"Sirius Black!" came a hushed but urgent voice from inside his robes. Sirius, who was trying to improve the Flying Charms on his motorbike, cleaned his hands on an old towel and took out the two-way mirror. James's bespectacled face appeared in the mirror. 

"What's up?" asked Sirius in a low voice.

"Thank Merlin! Pads, we're about to get attacked. They're outside the house. I think…I think Voldemort is among them," said James, eyes flickering nervously.

"Fuck, get the hell out of there," hissed Sirius. This was bad.

"Can't. They blocked the house."

"I'm there in a sec, mate," said Sirius and he didn't imagine the look of relief on his best friend's face. Sirius Disapparated, his wand at the ready.

Half an hour later, the fight was over. Voldemort had been accompanied by five of his Death Eaters but Lily, James and Sirius had fought grimly until Moody and the Prewett brothers appeared and turned the tide. Sirius' lips were bitten bloody in concentration, his left shoulder was burned and one leg was covered in painful lumps. James had been Confunded and there was a deep cut in his forehead. Lily was unscathed, which was a miracle considering that she was eight months ahead.

"Black," roared Moody, limping over to him. "Why didn't you send your Patronus before joining the Potters?" Damn, Moody certainly knew how to make him feel incompetent.

"I…I didn't think about it. I just…well, I knew they needed help and so I Apparated here."

"Great, Black. You're a hell of a dueller but you should use your brain once in a while," commented Moody with a growl. A POP startled them.

"Are you alright?" asked Peter, his wand at the ready and looking utterly horrified.

"Yes, but we only escaped by the skin of our teeth," said Lily.

"How…how did they know where to find you?" asked Peter, twitching nervously.

"Think, Peter," said Sirius condescendingly. "It was the fucking traitor."

Peter looked around. "Where's Remus?" Good question, thought Sirius and anger and frustration bubbled up inside him.

"How would I know?" he snapped testily. "He's never around lately." Peter looked as though he wanted to add something but thought better of it.

* * *

"You can come in now," said the Healer and James jumped to his feet so fast that he stumbled and almost fell against Sirius. 

"You coming with me?" asked James nervously. Sirius grinned broadly and nodded.

"Oh!" was the only thing James said when he saw his son for the first time. He passed out cold on the floor.

"James!" yelped Lily.

"Don't you worry, that happens quite often," said the Healer and heaved him up. Sirius was beaming at Lily. She looked exhausted but overjoyed. Sirius walked up to her bed and looked down at the bundle that was Harry James Potter.

"He's so…beautiful," said Sirius, surprised at his own choice of words. "May I…have a closer look?"

Lily smiled amusedly at his unusual hesitance. "You can hold him, godfather."

"Really?" asked Sirius, completely awed. And then he was holding Lily's and James' son and he had a big lump in his throat. Harry was so small and his fingers and toes were so tiny. Sirius loved him already. His face must have given him away because Lily beamed at him while having tears in her eyes.

"Whatever may come, I swear to protect you with my life," said Sirius throatily. And he meant it.

"Ow," said James as he regained consciousness. Lily smiled and rolled her eyes.

* * *

Sirius lay awake, listening to Remus' even breathing. He hardly slept lately. Fabian and Gideon Prewett had been murdered the previous week and Sirius' nights were haunted by the memories of the dead. Thinking of the Potters was especially hard. Ironically, he was almost used to receiving bad news now, to losing people that were close to him. 

Sirius turned his head and looked at Remus. He looked peaky with the full moon coming up in only two days but even in his sleep he had a certain grace to him. His eyes fluttered and he sighed from time to time. Remus had no idea how _perfect_ he looked in his sleep.

Sirius heaved a sigh. He still loved the man sleeping next to him and he still hadn't told him. Somehow he was afraid of losing Remus by telling him how he felt. Sirius had never said the l-word to anyone in a romantic sense and he and Remus went along pretty well without using it. Still, Sirius tried to _show_ him. _Telling_ him would make it even more real and losing him would be even harder. Sirius felt panicky at the thought of losing Remus to Death. He, who hadn't known fear before, was constantly alert now. Every owl could bring bad news.

As if someone had been listening to his thoughts, there was a scratch at the window. Sirius eased out of bed, careful not to wake Remus. He shooed the owl downwards and sneaked into the living room, where he opened the window and let the bird in. It was a note from James.

_Padfoot, _

_Come over tomorrow around noon. Don't tell the others._

_James_

Sirius furrowed his brow. It was unlike James to write short notes without joking at all and it was even more unlike James to order him over under the seal of secrecy. What was going on? Another attack? Another move? Harry was only four months old but Lily and James had moved thrice since then, always expecting another attack. Still frowning, Sirius resolved to another sleepless night and sprawled on his sofa, brooding over the note.

In the morning, Remus gave him a funny look but didn't say anything. If he knew that Sirius had spent the major part of the night downstairs he didn't show it. But before he left he asked Sirius whether he'd like to spend the night alone and Sirius told him not to be silly and kissed him hard.

An hour later, Sirius mounted his bike and headed to James' and Lily's current home, checking the surroundings from time to time.

"Are Lily and Harry alright?" was the first thing Sirius asked James when he arrived.

"Yes, they're with Lily's dad. He's been ill for a while and likes to see his grandchildren. I should be eternally grateful that Harry isn't anything like his cousin...at all! Merlin, that boy is a spoilt brat," ranted James.

"Just like you then," commented Sirius, smiling slyly.

"Git!"

"Idiot!"

"Psycho!"

"Grindylow!"

"Gytrash!"

They stopped when they reached the door and their eyes fell on the front page of the _Daily Prophet_. Two giant attacks last night, three dead Aurors.

"So, what's so urgent?" asked Sirius when they had settled in the kitchen. James sighed and looked as if he was fighting an inner battle.

"Dumbledore paid us a visit…about a month ago." James stared determinedly at the table.

"Ok," said Sirius, waiting for his friend to go on.

"It's top secret and I'm not allowed to tell anyone. Still, you're my best friend and Harry's godfather. I _need_ you to know," said James, sounding slightly desperate. Sirius eyed James curiously, biting back a sarcastic remark about trust and family. "Sirius, there…there is a prophecy. I can't tell you any details….Merlin, I shouldn't have told you that in the first place."

"A prophecy?" asked Sirius blankly.

"Yes. Voldemort believes Harry to be someone special and that's why he's trying to kill him."

"What?" yelped Sirius indignantly. "You don't believe that shit, do you? A _prophecy_, James!"

James looked up from the table and stared pointedly at Sirius. "It doesn't matter what I believe. As long as Voldemort believes it my family is in grave danger."

Sirius nodded reluctantly. "What's it about then?" he asked into the following silence.

"I can't tell you. I really can't," said James gloomily. "That's only one part of what I need to tell you. You won't like the second part any better." Sirius felt his heart sink. Somehow he knew that the second part would shatter everything he relied on.

"The traitor…it's someone very close. Dumbledore thinks it's someone in our _closest_ circle."

Sirius stared at James, trying to digest the news. "What?" was all he managed.

"He thinks it's one of you," whispered James hoarsely, as though only speaking it aloud made it irreversibly true. Sirius wasn't sure he heard right.

"He thinks it's one of us," he repeated James' words dully, trying to comprehend them. "So me, Peter or Remus?"

And very slowly James nodded and thereby shattered Sirius' world.

"I-" he started.

"No, I know it's not you," said James with a sudden fierceness, betraying the pleading look in his eyes. Sirius lunged over to him and gripped his hand tightly, looking directly into his eyes.

"James, I swear it's not me. You're my brother and I love you. I would never, never betray you. _Never!_" he said vehemently, breathing heavily. "Fuck, I would die for you."

James looked at him for a long moment before he let out a relieved breath, closed his eyes and nodded fiercely. "I know, I know….it's just, _one of you_! I spent seven years with you all in one dorm, shared everything with you and one of you….one of you is trying to get me and my family killed." James' voice broke at his last words. Sirius didn't let go of James' hand and they sat there in silence for a long time.

"Who?" asked Sirius all of a sudden in a low voice, startling them both.

"I don't know. Hell, _I don't know._" James answered through clenched teeth. "Can you imagine Remus ratting us out? He _never_ sold us out, not once, he always stood up for us, even to Dumbledore. But Pete? Little Peter? He couldn't…I mean, he could never keep a secret and…well,…"

"He adores you," continued Sirius the sentence. "He looks up to you. Always has." James nodded.

"I don't know what to think anymore." James looked lost and very tired.

"Is it certain? It can't be someone else?" asked Sirius, clinging to this last string of hope.

"It's not certain. Nothing is certain! Dumbledore has informants on the other side though. And well, he assumes…he suspects." James shrugged helplessly.

"Dumbledore isn't always right," said Sirius, not sure whom he tried to convince.

"No, but terribly often."

* * *

Over the next weeks, Sirius watched Peter and Remus closely, looking for a sign of their guilt but really searching for proof of their innocence. Peter was busy but somehow he always found the time to visit the Potters or Sirius. Now and then, he and Sirius got an assignment for the Order and Sirius tried not to be impatient with Peter like he used to be in school. Remus was hardly at home anymore. He spent most of his days in different libraries but refused to tell Sirius what he was doing there. Sometimes he disappeared for days. For the rest, he didn't act suspiciously at all. Sirius was about to go mad. They were his friends, for heaven's sake, and Remus was his lover. How could he mistrust them? He was getting angry at Dumbledore for uttering such a suspicion without offering any proof. Who was this secret informant? Why didn't he know who the traitor was? 

Three weeks before Christmas he found a dishevelled and exhausted raven on his window sill. The letter was short but made up for that with his mysterious content.

_Sirius,_

_I don't know why I'm writing this letter. I messed up big time. I won't say that you were right, only that I shouldn't have chosen…ah well, it's too late now. I don't know whether you'll even read this letter. I'm sorry, I should never have said that you weren't my brother anymore. You are, right?_

_Reg_

_P.S. Say sorry to Lupin for me._

Sirius didn't know what to make of it. He almost threw it away when he recognised the handwriting and after reading it, he wished he had done it. So his brother had realised that his hooded friends were not as cool as he had thought a year ago. Good for him. Sirius hadn't spoken to him since their days at Hogwarts, always trying to ignore his brother's existence. But every time they got into a fight with Death Eaters he asked himself whether he was fighting his brother.

What really worried him was the post scriptum. For what was he sorry and why didn't he write to Remus instead of him? Was this still about the incident in seventh year or was this a note to a fellow Death Eater? He thought about confronting Remus but couldn't pluck up the courage.

A week later he read about his brother's death. Unexpectedly, Orion Black followed his younger son at the last day of the year.

"I'm sorry, Pads," said Remus, frowning deeply.

"We only shared the name. He wasn't my father anymore, remember?" replied Sirius roughly and drank a whole bottle of Firewhiskey. Remus looked genuinely worried but instead of doing anything to keep him from drinking himself into a stupor he spent the night at his cottage. Completely drunk, Sirius burnt the letter.

* * *

It was in May that the idea of the Fidelius Charm came up or rather that's when Dumbledore suggested it. 

"Dumbledore offered himself as secret keeper," said Lily, feeding mashed carrots to Harry.

"That's good, I think," answered Sirius slowly, still digesting the information. He wouldn't be able to see his best friend and his family for a long time. Maybe he wouldn't see them ever again.

"We don't want Dumbledore, we want you," James blurted out. "Would you…I mean, would you do it? It's dangerous. Voldemort would be after you."

Sirius stared at him for a long moment before roaring, "ARE YOU MAD, POTTER?" James jumped and Harry started to cry. "Sorry," added Sirius contritely. "Prongs, you daft idiot, of course I'll be your secret keeper." Sirius looked out of the window and blinked his tears away. When he faced Lily and James again, he saw that James was doing the same. Sirius got up and pulled his best friend into a hug.

"Thanks, mate," James whispered hoarsely.

"My pleasure," answered Sirius shakily.

* * *

They were standing in the Longbottoms' kitchen. Lily comforted Harry, who was crying, by humming a lullaby. James was frustrated, pacing up and down with short measures and tearing his hair. Sirius tried to calm him, while Peter was sitting in the corner, looking anxious and biting his nails. 

Alice and Frank walked in shortly after. They had brought their son to bed.

"Can we stay overnight, Alice?" asked Lily, obviously agitated. They had hardly escaped this time. Sirius trembled at the thought of what could have happened if he and the Longbottoms had turned up only minutes later.

"Of course, Lils," answered Alice.

"Damn it!" Frank cursed. "How do they always know where to find you?"

Sirius shot a quick glance at James. Neither James nor Lily had told anyone else of Dumbledore's suspicion but of course, it was kind of obvious that _someone_ informed Voldemort about the Potters' whereabouts.

Peter cleared his throat and startled all of them. It was easy to forget about Peter.

"Erm, where's Moony?" he asked and was rewarded with uncomfortable silence. Everyone knew that he had just asked much more. Peter shifted nervously on his chair.

"He lives in the middle of nowhere and he's probably asleep," said Sirius sharply. The full moon had been three days before and Peter knew that.

"Black," said Alice, "let him talk." Alice was an excellent Auror and had a sharp mind. She knew that something was left unsaid.

"It's…I mean we're…has anyone ever suspected Remus?" squeaked Peter anxiously.

"Lupin, the traitor?" Frank frowned.

"Well, I wasn't supposed to tell you…but now I think that maybe he only told me to get an alibi, I really don't want to assume-" stammered Peter.

"Out with it, Pettigrew!" said Alice determinedly. Sirius was alert. What was it that Peter wasn't supposed to tell them?

"Last year, Remus got attacked by Death Eaters. In his cottage," said Peter in a rush. Lily gasped.

"What?" was all Sirius managed to say.

"Yes, and he told me and I helped him fix his cottage. He…he made me promise not to tell anyone, especially not James and Sirius."

"Why would he do that?" asked James doubtfully.

"He…well, one of them was Regulus," said Peter, wringing his hands nervously. Sirius choked on the name. Regulus had attacked Remus? What the hell? "He said that he didn't want to upset Padfoot and that Sirius would go after his brother if he knew…and I believed him at the time."

"Sirius?" Alice looked at him expectantly.

"He would have been right. I would have killed the sneaky bastard," admitted Sirius.

"So what changed your mind, Peter?" asked Lily silently.

"He's never around when James and Lily get attacked. And remember the time after McKinnon's funeral? He told us that the traitor could have been forced or blackmailed into betraying the Order." Sirius remembered. Peter was apparently uncomfortable but they all knew he had a point. "So maybe they blackmailed him with his…condition," ended Peter.

"What condition?" asked Alice curiously. Peter was about to say something but both, James and Sirius, hissed "NO!", before he could utter a syllable.

"So Remus Lupin got attacked by Death Eaters but didn't tell anyone but Peter," resumed Alice.

"That's strange but no proof. We're all getting paranoid," insisted Lily.

The discussion went on for over an hour until Alice declared that it was time to catch some sleep. Sirius left the house but didn't take off immediately. Instead, he sat down on the pavement next to his motorbike, feeling very much like demolishing something. A warm hand on his shoulder startled him out of his musing. Lily sat down beside him.

"I don't believe it's Remus," she said softly. Sirius looked at her incredulously.

"What?"

"I don't think he's the traitor." Lily looked at him and there was understanding in her green eyes.

"Why-" started Sirius but stopped as understanding dawned on him. "You _know_. He told you about…us."

"Yes," said Lily simply. "But that's not the reason. You've seen him with Harry, you've seen how he looks at him, plays with him, talks to him." Sirius nodded. "He couldn't have pretended all that."

Sirius took a deep breath. "You know…he's pretending that we're just friends in front of Peter and James. He insists that I keep my mouth shut. Remus is good at keeping secrets, Peter isn't. He's never been. I don't…" Sirius shrugged helplessly and choked out a dry sob. "I…every time we're together I watch him, interpreting every word he says…I _love_ him," Sirius said, startled at how easy the word passed his lips. "But I can't trust him. The attack hasn't been the first thing he kept from me."

"But it's Remus," said Lily, apparently close to tears.

"Yeah, it's Remus," agreed Sirius through clenched teeth.

* * *

Sirius stared down at Remus, his grey eyes enigmatic, giving nothing away. They hadn't talked properly to each other for months. Remus didn't know what to do. Suddenly, he was the one who was shut out and he was so used to Sirius' omniscient presence, his overwhelming attention, that he felt utterly lost and confused. Sure, he never visualised them staying together, they had certainly never made plans for the future. But he had always expected that there was going to be a break, a moment when Sirius turned away and told him that it was over. Well, this moment never came. Sirius stopped laughing with him but he didn't stop watching Remus…or shagging him. 

Their movements became faster and Remus was tempted to close his eyes and get lost in the feeling of Sirius moving inside him, against him. Just somehow he felt as if he were losing a battle would he give in and break their eye-contact now. Sirius' breath grew erratic and a sweaty pool developed between their bellies. Remus dug his nails in Sirius' back when he felt orgasm building up inside him. It felt so damn good.

"Moony," Sirius panted, tossing his head back and groaning deeply.

Sirius, Remus thought but didn't dare utter the name, as if there was an unknown magic about to break the spell. He was afraid that this was a nightmare but he was even more terrified at the thought of waking up alone.

And then it didn't matter anymore and his worries disappeared in a colourful cloud of sparks behind his eyelids. Seconds later Sirius sagged onto him and their closeness was almost too much to bear. Remus folded his arms around Sirius' back, holding on to the man he knew better than anyone else, the stranger he didn't know at all. Sirius allowed this, a rare form of non-sexual intimacy.

Eventually, he rolled away, avoiding Remus' eyes but pulling him close and entangling their limbs deliberately. Was he trying to hold on to a feeling withered a long time ago or was he trying to reassure himself and Remus that there was something, anything? Sirius' lips were close to Remus' ear and his breathing was soothing. How could he still feel at home in this man's arms?

"Remus?" It was barely a whisper.

"Yes?" Remus whispered back. Maybe the silence protected them because words could shatter their closeness. Remus almost wished Sirius wouldn't say anything at all, just hold him because their bodies didn't lie or pretend.

"I…" Sirius started and Remus held his breath. There was an almost unbearable tension. Something was very close to being released, something with the potential to change everything. Sirius sighed grievously and the tension disappeared, leaving a world of _ifs_. "I'm going to perform the Fidelius soon. I just wanted you to know that…well, we won't see each other for quite some time."

"I know," said Remus, voice unsteady.

* * *

"I know," Remus said and Sirius wanted nothing more than grab him by his shoulders and shake the truth out of him. He wanted to yell at him for making him doubt, wanted to tell him that he loved him. This was still his Remus. The boy, who had been too shy to say anything for a whole day in first year. The boy, who had been trembling uncontrollably when his friends cornered him in second year. This was Remus, who had forgiven him his betrayal in sixth year and listened patiently to his ramblings about his family. 

But this was also the man who was so used to keeping secrets that he never trusted them, never trusted Sirius completely. This was Remus, werewolf and social outcast, the only Marauder who could possibly have a reason for betrayal. This was the man, who knew that Sirius was going to perform the Fidelius Charm on the Potters. Sirius felt torn apart by his love for Remus and the love for his best friend's family. He would never forgive himself if his feelings for Remus blinded him enough to risk James' life or worse, Harry's, the boy who already looked so much like James.

This was the hardest thing he ever went through and it hurt more than the Cruciatus Curse when he finally said, "I just need you to take care of yourself, alright?"

He felt Remus nod against his neck and breathed a gentle kiss on his forehead, just as he had done when Remus' father had died. He held his lover till the sun rose and then he slipped away, got dressed and left for Peter's place.

…_to be continued_

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* * *

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_Thanks to everyone who is still reading this story. I wouldn't have come this far without you and your very kind reviews!_

**Feedback** is very much appreciated!_  
_


	18. wax and wane

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to the 'Apologia' by Oscar Wilde either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **In case you don't notice yourselves, there is a leap in time. I never intended to write certain events, simply because we already know what happened. Why I thought of the 'Apologia'? No idea. Anyway, thanks to my betas and to my reviewers! Oh, two lines are from GoF, they' re in italics, and the Highlander quote makes another appearance.

* * *

_chapter eighteen: wax and wane_

_IS it thy will that I should wax and wane,  
Barter my cloth of gold for hodden grey,  
And at thy pleasure weave that web of pain  
Whose brightest threads are each a wasted day?_

_Is it thy will That my Soul's House should be a tortured spot  
Wherein, like evil paramours, must dwell  
The quenchless flame, the worm that dieth not?_

The black dog ran swiftly over the field. The earth beneath it's paws was soft and warm and the sun was shining almost friendly down on it. Deep inside, the dog relived human memories.

"_Sirius, I need you to set off at once. You are to alert Remus Lupin, Arabella Figg, Mundungus Fletcher – the old crowd."_

Arabella had almost had a heart attack when he turned up in front of her door but she finally believed him, though not until after he had told her about Harry's encounter with Voldemort. She was fond of the boy and the dog with a human mind couldn't help but begrudge her the times she had seen his godson, talked to him.

Mungungus Fletcher had been scared out of his wits when he cornered him in a dark alley though not because he was who he was but because he carried highly illegal substances around. Mundungus only believed him because Dumbledore had sent him an owl, announcing an unexpected visitor.

Thank Merlin, Mad Eye Moody already knew. The dog wasn't sure whether he would have survived convincing the old Auror. _The old crowd_. So many were dead. The Longbottoms had been tortured into insanity over a decade ago and the man inside the dog hadn't known for years. Two more friends to mourn.

"_Lie low at Lupin's for a while, I will contact you there."_

He had postponed seeing Remus for as long as possible. But now all the others were informed and ready for another round of the war that hadn't stopped for Sirius Black.

* * *

Remus sat in his kitchen, staring blankly at the old newspaper in front of him. He hadn't thrown it away before he left for Hogwarts to teach Lily's and James's son. The raving madman in the picture had been a stranger. For days he had tried to find familiar traces, wrinkles, something…anything, in vain. But when he had seen the original his world was turned upside down once _again_. Sirius wasn't responsible for the murder of his best friend and his wife and suddenly freed from old anger and self-loathing, Remus had seen the old Sirius beneath the layers of dirt and madness. 

How on earth had they ended up like this? Sitting alone in his kitchen, Remus felt old suddenly. Solitude wasn't a protective coat anymore, not since meeting two of his old friends in the Shrieking Shack. Peter and Sirius had spent numerous nights there with him. Harry was like the echo of his parents, reminding the surviving Marauders of their responsibilities, their failures…of their humanity.

Remus' fingers were cold when he reached for the old issue of the Daily Prophet. He didn't dare touch the photograph and so he traced its edge with numb fingers. Sirius, it was such a waste of human life. Remus heaved a deep sigh. Twelve years in Azkaban changed a man irrevocably. Sirius looked like a ghost from the past, like a nightmarish shadow of the handsome man Remus had known. Both, memory and reality, were haunting his dreams, reviving dead people and people he had believed to be dead.

As darkness fell and took over the room Remus got up, reluctantly and stiffly. With a flick of his wand he lit several candles and headed to the fireplace. He poured boiling water into the cup and soon enough the delicious aroma of tea filled his nostrils. This was home, this was safety and familiarity.

An owl hooted on the threshold of his open door and startled him. Remus waved the bird inside and filled a bowl with water. The letter bore the Hogwarts seal.

_Dear Remus,_

_I must apologise for the short notice. Please kindly take care of a certain stray that is in need of a warm place and a couple of meals. It will only be for a few days and I am sure that you will find a way to occupy him. _

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Remus frowned. Sirius was to come to his place on Dumbledore's orders? This could only mean bad news. Well, he wasn't blind. Of course he had noticed the signs, the changes in Wizarding society and among those who weren't part of it. He avoided thoughts about living with Sirius after years of avoiding thoughts about Sirius altogether and ramped up his supplies over the next few days.

Three days later a dog barked in the early hours of morning just as Remus had put on the kettle. Remus' hands were suddenly sweaty and his heart beat painfully against his ribs. Finally! He opened the door and there stood a huge black dog, wagging its tail enthusiastically and letting out another cheerful bark.

"Come on in then," said Remus, smiling. The dog moved swiftly past him and scurried into the cottage. When Remus had checked the surroundings and closed the door he found a man in front of the fireplace, stretching his arms and fingers towards the warming flames.

"It's bloody cold at night," Sirius said gruffly. His hair was shorter than it had been in the Shack and only reached to his shoulders. He was still terribly thin but when he turned his head to face Remus he looked less haunted and more like his younger self.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Remus, seeking refuge in polite hospitality. Sirius nodded.

"_Accio cups_," Remus said, wand in his hand. Two cups flew neatly onto the table and were filled with hot, steaming tea shortly after. "Do you take sugar or milk?" he asked his ragged looking friend. Sirius, still warming up in front of the fireplace, looked at him confusedly. In fact, he looked as though he didn't know the answer himself.

"Both, I think," he said at last, frowning slightly. He sat down, looking as tense as Remus felt. His hands were trembling until they clenched around the steaming cup of tea.

"Are you still cold?" asked Remus, slightly worried that the shaking had other, less temporary reasons.

"Yeah, haven't been warm in years. Dementors…" Sirius voice trailed off and he stared blankly into the cup. Yes, that made sense, thought Remus shuddering, knowing full well what _one_ Dementor could do to a person.

His face must have betrayed his thoughts because Sirius let out a hollow huffing laugh. "Right, it's a miracle I'm still sane. Well, I was told I was already barking mad before they got me," he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes that made Remus' heart ache.

"Who am I to contradict you?" Remus asked with a wry smile, hiding his twinging happiness.

Sirius sipped on his tea, pursed his lips and smiled. "My first cup of tea in thirteen years. Merlin, that's sweet! Arabella was too shocked to offer me anything, you know," he went on, still smiling. It didn't reach his eyes. Remus got Sirius some biscuits and watched him devour a couple of them, washing them down with three cups of overly sweet tea.

"So," Sirius said when he was finished, "you want the report now, don't you?"

"Only if you're up to it," answered Remus carefully. He was confused by Sirius' behaviour because it was so _normal_. Sirius nodded grimly and told his tale. Remus could only stare at him.

"It's war again," he said slowly.

"It has never stopped for me," replied Sirius gruffly. Remus almost winced as the truth of Sirius' words hit him. Sure, his own life had been far from perfect these past years but at least he had experienced times of peace.

"We've all known it wasn't over," Remus said softly and Sirius waved his once elegant hand dismissively.

"Would you mind if I used your bathroom?" he asked after a while of almost comfortable silence. Remus looked at his friend and noticed the dirt under his nails and his greasy and matted hair. Sirius was still dressed in the grey and dirty robes he had worn a year ago. Remus suddenly remembered a warm summer afternoon over a decade ago.

"Mi casa es su casa," he said smiling. Sirius looked at him for a long moment before grinning back broadly and this time it reached his eyes.

* * *

Scrubbing the dirt off his skin felt heavenly. Hot water was splattering against his body, so hot it almost scorched him. He craved warmth, knowing it wouldn't last. Sometimes Sirius thought he would have to spend several years in a tub full of chocolate till the unnatural cold of Azkaban left his bones. 

He dried himself with one of Remus' old but tidy towels and had a look at himself in the mirror. He wasn't a sight for sore eyes but although his skin was almost startlingly white, it had lost its waxen quality. Slowly Sirius combed his hair. The brush belonged to Remus, everything did. He checked the tiny room for signs of another person and heaved a relieved sigh when he didn't find any. Still the same jealous bastard, remarked the little voice in his head. Sirius shook his head violently. He had lost every right to be with the man he had once loved when he had chosen Peter's word over Remus'.

He found a set of clean robes on a stool just outside the bathroom. They weren't new but Sirius had the sneaking suspicion that they were the best in Remus' wardrobe. They felt more than good on his skin.

"Thanks," he said roughly when he found Remus on a bench in front of the cottage. His light brown hair was lined with grey and he looked tired and slightly jaded. Just like his father a year before he died, thought Sirius with a shudder. But when Remus looked up from the book he had been reading, his eyes were still warm and animated, just as Sirius remembered.

"You're welcome," Remus said in his usual calm voice and went back to his book. Sirius was about to comment on Remus' indifference to his presence when he caught a glimpse on the author. Remus still read Keats to calm down, he thought, happy about the unexpected memory. So Sirius sat down beside him and enjoyed the peace and the safety of the moment.

At dinner they talked mostly about the Order and the war, carefully avoiding their shared past. Sirius understood Remus' wariness; he understood it only too well. But when Remus offered him his bed, intending to sleep in the sofa, he snapped.

"Remus, this is ridiculous. We shared a bed so many times, I can't even count them. I showered, so I don't smell anymore. You haven't become a bloody homophobe these past years, have you?" he asked dryly.

Remus shook his head, the corners of his mouth twitching with a suppressed smile.

"See, no reason to become squeamish," Sirius argued determinedly.

"No, none at all," answered Remus and they retreated for the night.

* * *

None at all, he had said and now, lying next to Sirius, he felt the exact opposite. There were lots of reasons to be uncomfortable with sharing a bed with Sirius. A memory came crashing down on him: the morning he had woken up alone in Sirius' house, in Sirius' bed, knowing that this meant the end. It had been the first time in years that Remus had cried. He had spilt his tears into the pillows that still smelled of _him_. Remus was still ashamed of this breakdown, though he didn't loathe himself for crying over a traitor anymore. 

He willed himself to sleep and almost succeeded when he heard Sirius' voice.

"Remus?"

"Yes."

"I…thanks for letting me stay," said Sirius in a small voice that was close to getting lost in the darkness of the room. Remus was suddenly glad that he always slept with drawn curtains.

"You're welcome," he answered warily, asking himself how many times he had said that already. The following silence was everything but comfortable.

"Moony?" Remus' heart jumped at the use of his old nickname.

"What is it, Padfoot?"

"I'm sorry," was all Sirius said but it didn't seem necessary to add anything. Sirius was sorry, Remus was sorry, they were all sorry.

"Go to sleep," whispered Remus softly. Sirius shifted, turned away from Remus.

"I will. I'm still sorry. Good night."

And that's how it went on between them. During the day, they learned to act like friends again, not like strangers who happened to share a past. Sirius became less tense whenever they talked about James or Harry. Remus wondered whether Sirius would ever accept his best friend's death but then, he hadn't been in Azkaban, he didn't know what it was like. They spent hours reading and talking. Sirius reread all of Remus' old school books and transformed into a dog when he watched Remus gardening.

Nights were a different matter. Every night before they went to sleep, Sirius said he was sorry and Remus remained silent, waiting for…he didn't know what exactly he was waiting for. And then, about a week after Sirius had arrived, he asked Remus if he didn't want to know why.

"I don't think it matters," answered Remus. "What's done is done."

"I know that I can't turn back time, Moony. I just…forget it," said Sirius, frustrated. Remus looked into the darkness where he knew Sirius lay and propped his head on his arm.

"Forget it? No, I can't forget it. I haven't forgotten for one second, Sirius." Remus was startled by his own steely voice.

"Finally!" exclaimed Sirius fiercely and heaved himself into a sitting position. Or at least Remus assumed he did because the voice was further away. "Do you know how long I've been waiting for this conversation?"

"Approximately thirteen years, I presume," answered Remus dryly.

"Yes, for fuck's sake, _thirteen_ years." Sirius breathed heavily. "That's a long time to regret something."

"I know," said Remus and almost felt Sirius wince in the darkness.

"You don't understand," rasped Sirius' voice through the thick silence.

"No, actually I _do_ understand," countered Remus evenly. "Despite your constant affirmation of the contrary, you considered me the traitor because of what I am."

"Is it easy to simplify the world like that?" snapped Sirius. "You have been there, you've seen people _die._"

"Yes, Sirius, I have. I have been at James' and Lily's funeral and even Peter's." Remus heard Sirius gasp at that. He hadn't meant to lash out at Sirius like that but somehow, he was neither surprised by nor sorry for his reaction. Remus was about to lie back down when Sirius raised his voice once more.

"Dumbledore told James that he expected the traitor to be one of us. And I mean _us_, Remus. I think he thought of me but James wouldn't have any of that. I knew it wasn't me, so it left Peter and you. I spent weeks searching for proof that neither of you were the spy."

"Oh," said Remus. He hadn't known that.

"Yes," agreed Sirius hoarsely. "Peter, the sneaky bastard, did his best to discredit you. He asked where you were when James and Lily were attacked and then…one night he told us about the attack."

Remus felt a huge hand clench around his heart. "The attack?" he asked weakly.

"Yeah, the attack you didn't mention to me _once_," continued Sirius bitterly. "I understand why you kept silent about it. I _would_ have killed Regulus for that. But the worst part of it was that I wasn't surprised. It wasn't the first secret, it wasn't the first lie."

"Sirius, I didn't…I didn't mean--" tried Remus.

"No, you never did. We were at the Longbottoms' when the rat told us. We discussed this for hours. Lily wouldn't believe it, you know? She came after me and that's how I found out that you had told her about…about…" Sirius' voice broke. Remus nodded. It all made horrible sense now.

"I'm _sorry_, Remus. I'm sorry I believed the rat more than you. I should have known…but you didn't exactly make it easy. I'm sorry," ended Sirius pleadingly.

Remus wet his lips and released the blanket he had been holding in an iron grip. His jaw hurt from clenching his teeth.

"You were right. I didn't understand. Thanks for telling me," he said when he was sure of his voice again. He heard Sirius breathe in the darkness and reached out one hand. When he found the other man's arm he squeezed it slightly, reassuringly. Funnily enough, words, which had never before let him down, weren't sufficient now. Sirius tensed at the simple contact but didn't pull away. They sat there in silence for quite some time. Remus' hand didn't leave Sirius' arm.

"Let's get some sleep," whispered Remus finally. Sirius sighed and shuffled his thin body under the blanket, ready to turn away from Remus like every other night. But Remus budged closer and wrapped an arm around his friend's waist. Sirius breathed in audibly.

"Shhhh," said Remus, leaning against the other man's back, and nuzzled his nose to Sirius' neck, breathing in the scent he had believed to have lost. Sirius moved his hand over Remus', entwined their fingers and relaxed. Remus was still awake long after Sirius' breathing had evened out.

* * *

Sirius woke up in the knowledge that something was different. He blinked several times before he knew what it was. He lay on his back and an arm, which wasn't his, was spread over his chest. He turned his head and was confronted with Remus' amused face. 

"What happened to the insufferable morning person you used to be?" he asked lightly.

"Don't know," grunted Sirius and rubbed the sleep off his face. Last night had exhausted him thoroughly. It was hard to act as if nothing was wrong with him but actual confrontations were difficult to bear. Although this one had paid off.

Suddenly the arm on his chest was withdrawn and the spot felt instantly cold. Sirius looked back at the friend he undoubtedly still loved and there was a question in his golden eyes. "Spill it," demanded Sirius and saw a smile flicker over Remus' face.

"Padfoot, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you sleep like a baby every night…but…don't you ever have nightmares?" Remus asked with a frown. Sirius couldn't help but laugh though it wasn't funny in the least.

"You really want to know?" he asked when he had calmed down.

"I asked," Remus replied gently. "You don't have to tell me." So polite, so Remus.

"You know, it isn't my favourite topic but I _did_ spend twelve years there…so," Sirius shrugged. "You taught Defense, you know how Dementors operate." Remus nodded. "I relived my worst memories over and over again, for twelve years." Sirius shuddered involuntarily. "I think I created every possible scenario to change the past, to act differently. At one point, the nightmares stopped being worse than reality. After I had escaped, I found that I had nothing left to freak out about."

"Oh." Remus' brow was still furrowed and Sirius noticed little wrinkles around his eyes. He suddenly realised that it wasn't true, there were still things he could freak out about: his godson, Wormtail, the man next to him. Remus had grown up without him and it just wasn't fair.

At lunch he plucked up the courage to ask Remus about the full moon.

"I transform in a cellar nearby. It's safe." Remus said casually.

"Can I come with you?" He didn't ask whether they would run together because he remembered Remus' little talk in the shack only too well. They really had been thoughtless. They had been so young.

Remus looked at him for a long moment, frowning. He did this a lot, thought Sirius and suddenly wanted to kiss the frown away. _What the hell?_ Sirius was utterly shocked and it took an enormous amount of willpower not to show it. He hadn't felt like this for over a decade. Tender thoughts didn't survive long in Azkaban.

"It's not necessary," said Remus.

"That's not an answer."

"I'll think about it. It's four more days."

"Yes, I know. I always know when the moon is full. That's how I measured time."

Remus' eyes grew wide at that but he collected himself quickly. "I see."

While Remus was taking a shower an owl arrived. Sirius let the bird in and sent it back on its way quickly. The letter was from Dumbledore, who asked him whether he would provide the house at number twelve Grimmauld Place as the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius hated this place with a passion. For him, it would always be his mother's house, though he knew that she had died while he had been at Azkaban. Inhabited the place had been awful but now it had to be literally ruled by dark creatures and dark magic. He knew he would consent to Dumbledore's plan nonetheless. Harry was an orphan because of him and he would do whatever was necessary to win this war.

Sirius listened to the creak of the bathroom door and footsteps on the wooden floor. His answer had to wait till after the full moon. He wouldn't leave Remus alone this time.

* * *

Remus felt the moon calling the beast inside him when it was close to full. Only one more night and he embraced the familiar fear like a long lost relative, though an unwelcome one. The transformations had become slightly easier over the years, perhaps because he reconciled to the wolf the day Sirius was caught. That day he had accepted that even humans had a beast inside them. Nowadays, he needed longer to recover afterwards. Time was taking its toll. 

He was restless and so was Sirius. His friend had always been able to feel his moods, maybe because they turned into similar animals, maybe because they were friends. His pack, as Sirius had once called them. Well, only two of them were left.

"Remus, could you stop pacing like a madman?" asked Sirius. He had been brooding over something for the last few days and their evenings in front of the fireplace had become silent.

"Sorry," said Remus and sat down next to him on the sofa.

"I'll have to leave after the full moon," Sirius blurted out and looked at him anxiously. Remus was almost relieved that it was only that.

"Oh, you didn't tell me Dumbledore owled."

"I didn't want to. Unpleasant news, you know. The old codger wants to turn number twelve Grimmauld Place into the headquarters of the Order." Sirius pressed his lips together.

"You swore never to set foot in it again," replied Remus softly.

"I did. I also swore to protect Harry with my life and never to betray you again," whispered Sirius hoarsely, bitterly.

"Sirius, please don't! That's the past. We all made mistakes and it's time to move on. You can still protect Harry. He needs you more than ever," said Remus firmly. Sirius looked strangely at him, every inch of his face asking _and you?_

The answer would be no, of course. Remus didn't need Sirius but it wasn't about need, was it? Remus wasn't surprised that he still wanted Sirius. He wasn't stunningly beautiful anymore but Remus could only admire him for surviving Azkaban relatively sane, for managing an escape nobody ever managed before. Sirius never gave up, even though his cockiness had suffered over the years. Remus could neither heal his own wounds nor his friend's but there was something he could do.

"Let's go to bed," Remus heard himself say. Sirius looked up, surprised and…scared. Remus reached out a hand, feeling strangely disconnected with the scene. Sirius took hold of it and his grip was steady and firm.

"You're aware, of course, that I haven't had a wank in thirteen years," Sirius smirked into the kiss. His lips were slightly chapped and the kiss was somewhat clumsy but memory made it perfect.

"You can certainly appreciate the irony," countered Remus, dragging Sirius to the bedroom.

"James beat me to it. He used to do it all the ti-" Sirius was shut up by another kiss and moaned deeply when Remus sucked on his tongue.

Remus' bones were aching so shortly before the full moon and new scars were scattered all over his skin but he didn't care and knew that Sirius wouldn't either. They got rid of their clothes and fell onto the old bed, which was creaking in protest. Remus revelled in the feeling of skin against skin and pressed himself as close to Sirius as possible. They moved against each other and at one time Sirius gasped, "I can't…I can't do that," but Remus only kissed him deeper and cut off his protest with bites around his neck.

Afterwards, they clung to each other like drowning men, the bed their lifeboat and their arms their life lines.

* * *

"You sure, you're alright?" asked Sirius, worried. He had his hair in a tail and wore the robes Remus had given him. He looked better than ever since his flight. If Remus didn't have bandages all over his body and wasn't aching like hell, he would ravish him before he left. The thought made him grin. 

"Pads, you can't let Dumbledore wait any longer. You stayed till after the full moon and we'll meet up soon enough," Remus said reasonably.

"You mean, if I'm not devoured by the unspeakable evil that lurks in the house," Sirius tried to joke but Remus knew that he really hated his old home.

He'd play along. "I though your mother was dead?"

"Yeah, that old hag. She would turn in her grave if she knew that I inherited everything after all." Sirius let out a bark of laughter. His grey eyes stared down at Remus, who shifted comfortably in his bed. Seeing Sirius laugh had always made him feel better.

"You can put your lazy self to good use and clean the place up before I come," smiled Remus.

"Yes, professor." Sirius grinned his old trademark grin before his face grew stern again and the shadow of Azkaban reconquered his features.

"It's not goodbye, Moony."

"No, it isn't."

_...to be continued_

_

* * *

_Two more chapters to go, folks! **Reviews** are highly appreciated!


	19. the letter

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything related to Oscar Wilde and the 'The Ballad of Reading Gaol' either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **The poem reminded me of the situation Remus and Sirius are in and it also reflects nicely on their past. There is a Highlander quotation again. Everything marked with a ° is a direct quotation from OotP and so totally not mine. However, I changed "he" for "Dumbledore" in one sentence for better understanding. Thanks to my reviewers and my betas.

* * *

_chapter nineteen: the letter_

_Yet each man kills the thing he loves,  
By each let this be heard,  
Some do it with a bitter look,  
Some with a flattering word,  
The coward does it with a kiss,  
The brave man with a sword. _

Sirius was moping. Well, of course he himself would always describe it differently but it was definitely true. He felt like a bothersome child left behind when all the older and more important people where out to have fun. Remus wouldn't call it fun if he were here, his inner voice told him. No he wouldn't, all peaky and exhausted from his secret Order activities. But that was the problem, wasn't it? Nobody was here to talk to him, least of all Remus.

Another mouthful of Firewhiskey and he felt warmer. Sirius was sprawled on an opulent armchair and his view was slightly dazed from alcohol. The room he had made his bedroom was draped with dark green velvet, old and musty, and the candles seemed to be fighting a battle, keeping the darkness at bay. The house was vicious, he'd always known that, and Sirius was goddamn lonely. In Azkaban it had been easy to accept loneliness as a given because everyone else was and the only creatures walking freely around were soulless monsters.

Here he was left out, left behind, left to rot among once splendid velvet and silver. Another mouthful of the burning liquid made the room spin.

"Master, dinner is served," announced a dark and hostile voice next to him. "Blood traitor and drunkard, that's what he is, oh what would Kreacher's poor Mistress say, oh…" the house-elf went on, mumbling.

"Yeah, what would she say, eh, Kreacher?" asked Sirius venomously. "She'd probably die all over again." Sirius laughed mirthlessly.

"Master shouldn't be talking like that about his dear mother, abomination, she called him, oh yes, she did," muttered Kreacher as he went over to the door.

"I'm sure she did," commented Sirius dryly and got to his feet, swaying only slightly. The bottle fell to the ground but it was empty already and the thick carpet muffled the thud.

Dinner was a desolate affair. The kitchen was as quiet as the rest of the house and the food itself was inedible. Sirius wondered whether even Buckbeak would refuse it. But then, it was better than rats and the food they served in Azkaban.

Suddenly, Kreacher reappeared and scuffled towards him. "Master," he bit out reluctantly, "should know that Master Phineas wishes to speak to him."

Sirius let the cutlery fall with a clank and got quickly to his feet. He rushed to his great-great grandfather's portrait, being quite on the alert.

"What is it?" he demanded gruffly.

"Manners, Sirius, manner," remarked his ancestor with a sly smile.

"Please," hissed Sirius through gritted teeth.

"Arthur Weasley was gravely injured and Potter and the Weasley brats are about to come over here, understood?" Phineas looked highly indignant.

"Harry's coming here?" asked Sirius, suddenly in much higher spirits. Then the message sank in. "Arthur gravely injured…oh, _oh_ he was…yes, tell them I'm delighted to have them here."

"You sure are," was the snide reply and the wizard in the portrait disappeared.

Sirius was on his way back to the kitchen when he heard voices and then Kreacher's hostile voice said, "Back again, the blood-traitor brats. Is it true their father's dying?"° Hot anger flared up inside him and Sirius roared, "OUT!"° before actually entering the kitchen.

And then he saw Harry, Fred, George, Ron and Ginny, all of them looking frightened and worried, still dressed in their pyjamas. He moved to help Ginny up and asked anxiously, "What's going on? Phineas Nigellus said Arthur's been badly injured -"°

Fred interrupted him. "Ask Harry."°

"Yeah, I want to hear this for myself,"° said George. Harry looked highly uncomfortable but explained it as good as he could. Apparently he had had some kind of vision. Sirius was honestly worried. His younger self would have laughed and shrugged it off as some sort of lunacy but since the day James had told him about the prophecy he couldn't help but shudder at the thought of visions and future-telling.

After a long pause Fred asked Sirius whether his mom was already there and all Sirius could do was try to explain that she probably didn't even know about her husband's injury yet. The Firewhiskey was still in his system although the unexpected visit had somewhat sobered him up. It took all his power of persuasion to keep the Weasley children from rushing to St Mungo's and doing something irrevocably stupid. After all, Sirius was as clueless as they were, a factor that riled him as much as Fred's and George's counterproductive shouting and raging.

"Your father knew what he was getting into and he won't thank you for messing things up for the Order," snapped Sirius angrily. "This is how it is – this is why you're not in the Order – you don't understand – there are things worth dying for."°

"Easy for you to say, stuck here!" bellowed Fred. "I don't see you risking your neck!"° For a split second Sirius thought about hitting him for that. But then, he was only worried about his father and Sirius was supposed to be the responsible adult here. Damn, where was Remus when he needed him? Remus knew how to appease people, he always knew what to say and he was good with children.

The rest of the night crept on gloomily. Of course, neither of the Weasleys wanted to sleep with their father fighting death in hospital. Harry looked at him from time to time, obviously feeling like an intruder just like he himself did. His godson looked so worried and anxious and there was nothing he could do - at all.

And then, finally, Molly arrived and told them that Arthur would be alright and Sirius felt only slightly bad for being deliriously happy that the Weasleys and Harry would stay until after Christmas.

What Harry told him next, secretly in the pantry, was undeniably disturbing. Harry Potter inside the snake that attacked Arthur? Sirius cringed inwardly. He had sworn to protect the boy in front of him and he was doing a poor job by the looks of it.

"I'm sure Dumbledore would have told you if it was anything to worry about,"° he said reassuringly. But who knew? Sirius certainly didn't know a lot of what was going on in this war. He had been an active fighter in the last one and this watching and biding their time for Merlin knew what drove him gradually mad. He sent Harry to bed because he needed time to think about what the boy had just told him. Oh, James, he thought, what am I supposed to do?

* * *

Cold, was the first coherent thought that came to Remus' mind. Cold, so cold. His fingers were hurting from the creeping cold surrounding him, seeping up from the ground. Remus opened his eyes and blinked several times. It was February, he was apparently in the middle of a forest and it was night. Great, just great, he thought. 

Pain seared through his spine when he tried to get up. Well, at least he could still feel pain. In the given situation this was a comfort. He had trouble breathing and there was a stinging pain in his left side; one or two broken ribs presumably. When Remus was finally back on his feet he was startled by the dark stains in the snow where he had been lying. It was dark and he could not make out any colours but he knew exactly that it was his blood that stained the snow. A lot of blood.

Remus clenched his teeth and fumbled for his wand. As he discovered to his immense relief they hadn't taken it away from him. He murmured a quick Orientation Spell and dragged himself through the forest in the direction of where he believed was Bordeaux. He had to hang on for the Order, for Dumbledore, for Harry and his friends; for Sirius.

After what seemed like hours he collapsed on the doorstep of his _homme de contact_ Henry Cacher.

* * *

Remus should have been back three days ago and Sirius was seriously worried. He knew only too well to what dangers Remus exposed himself to when he spied on his fellow werewolves and other, so called, dark creatures and he didn't like it at all. With every hour that went by the panicky feeling in his stomach increased. What if he lost Remus again and this time forever? 

Sirius had written to Dumbledore twice already and the old codger had only told him to remain calm and keep waiting. Bastard! Sirius paced up and down the house like a caged animal and even Kreacher made sure to stay out of his way.

Shortly after nine o'clock in the evening he heard a persistent knock on the door. Sirius sprinted so fast to the door that he almost fell over his feet. He tore the door open and breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw Remus' familiar shape. His friend entered without a word and Sirius closed the door behind him.

"Merlin's wrinkly balls, where have you be-- Remus?" The dim light of Grimmauld Place illuminated Remus' face and revealed that he was horribly pale and shaky.

"Sorry, Sirius, I didn't want you to worry about me. I'll tell you what happened in the morning. I-," and with that he yawned, "I'd really love to go to bed now," Remus said in an awfully tired voice. He didn't even try a smile.

"Let me help you," offered Sirius anxiously and gripped Remus' arm. He didn't see any wounds but noticed that Remus took his time up the stairs. He must have lost a lot of blood, thought Sirius as he felt acid bile rise in the back of his throat.

When they reached Remus' room Sirius ignored his friend's weak protests and helped him to undress. He winced at the sight of the dark bruises all over Remus' body but swallowed what he wanted to say. It had to wait until Remus was better. He wasn't used to seeing Remus like that outside the full moon and it was a long time since he had seen him that battered, that exhausted. Remus fell asleep instantly and left Sirius with his thoughts and fears. He sat down on one of the omnipresent green armchairs of the major bedrooms and prepared himself for a long night and a silent vigil.

For ten hours he didn't leave the room, watched over Remus' sleep and thought about him, about them. Sirius had had many lovers in his life but only Remus had ever meant something to him. He had only ever _loved_ Remus. Sirius had never told him how he felt or that sometimes, it was still hard to breathe when his werewolf friend entered a room.

Remus ought to know. The problem was that Sirius didn't know if he had any right to tell him. After their conversation in Remus' cottage they had never talked about their former relationship again, had never talked about the betrayal, the mistrust, the doubts. Sirius had no idea whether Remus had forgiven him or was just pretending for their sakes and his sanity.

Remus had lived a decade of which Sirius knew nothing. He wasn't the boy Sirius had fallen in love with. The man sleeping in the huge bed had fought his fights alone and Sirius assumed that his own betrayal had been the hardest battle – but he had won. Remus had survived though he was more reserved, more guarded these days. Sirius wasn't sure whether the heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black would have had the strength. He had never been able to cope with solitude and abandonment. After all, what was he now? A convicted murderer on the run, hiding in his mother's house, drinking heavily most of the time. He was good for nothing and as good as dead, buried alive in his ancestral home. Why Remus still put up with him was beyond Sirius. Maybe it was pity, perhaps it was guilt.

Still, Remus ought to know. Remus, who was now sound asleep and as white as linen. Sirius wasn't sure whether Remus returned his feelings. Sexual want, yes, but love? Damn, thought Sirius and buried his face in his hands. He could turn it every way he wanted, it was still him being too cowardly to just fucking tell Remus.

After ten hours, daylight had invaded the room. Sirius' limbs were stiff and he had a major headache. Remus stirred in his sleep and his eyelids fluttered; it was only a matter of time until he woke up. Sirius saw the grey in his hair and the lines in his face and still found him beautiful.

"Have you been sitting there all night?" Remus' hoarse voice cut into the silence.

"Yeah," answered Sirius softly.

Golden eyes peeked at him from under his fringe. "Why?"

"Because," Sirius said, remembering the game they used to play, "the alternative was unthinkable. Git! Are you hungry?"

"I'm not even awake yet. How long did I sleep?"

"Don't know," lied Sirius, smiling sheepishly. "Quite some time." Remus was back. Time wasn't important.

"You really are mad, you know that, Black?" asked Remus affectionately. "You look the way I felt yesterday. Why didn't you come to bed?"

"Could've disturbed you," mumbled Sirius and eased himself out of the armchair. His legs almost gave in.

"Sirius, come here!" Remus said gently but determinedly.

"Let a bloke use the toilet, will you?" Sirius tried to grin but his head was killing him. He ended up taking a shower and brushing his teeth before returning to Remus. Somehow, Remus had persuaded Kreacher to get them tea and toast.

"No jam," said Remus apologetically. He looked much better in daylight but was still very pale.

"Don't care," grumbled Sirius, eased himself onto the bed next to Remus and kissed him. It was good to have him…well, he couldn't bring himself to think of Grimmauld Place as home.

"So what the hell happened?" Sirius asked when Remus had returned to his tea.

"Have a toast," answered Remus and helped himself to a second burnt slice. Sirius glared at him. "As you know, I was in France. The werewolves there weren't enthusiastic about Dumbledore's offers."

"Thanks, Mr Understatement, that's what I figured. Merlin, Remus, I was fucking worried. Couldn't you have sent an owl?"

"I wasn't really conscious," replied Remus casually and Sirius was instantly glad that he hadn't eaten any toast.

"What the fuck did they do to you? It wasn't even a full moon!" he raged. Remus sipped on his tea and then looked at him.

"Sirius, calm down! I'm alive and I'm here. We all know that war isn't a piece of cake. There are risks we take."

"There are risks _you_ take!" snapped Sirius and stared gloomily at the ceiling of the majestic four-poster bed.

"What do you expect me to do? Say to hell with it and keep you company?" asked Remus tetchily. Sirius fell into a sullen silence and before he knew it he had fallen asleep.

* * *

When Remus returned from his shower he was relieved to find Sirius was still asleep. Cacher had tried to heal the worst of his wounds but he was not very proficient at Healing Charms and Remus' body was still covered in bruises. He got dressed quickly and went down into the kitchen where he got an edible meal consisting of bacon, eggs and beans. There was even some old bread left, which he roasted over the fire. Although he disliked the house as much as everyone else he found himself happy to be back. Of course, he had seen the headmaster first and had given a full account of what he had learned in France. Dumbledore had urged him to see Madam Pomfrey but Remus had declined, longing to be back at the place he secretly called home. 

Remus hadn't intended to become so close to Sirius again. Despite his happiness to have him back in his life he couldn't help but keep a distance. Some wounds never healed, never scarred. There was an ocean of guilt and regrets between them. It was hard to reconcile the man Sirius was now with the man he used to be. Sirius was bitter and frustrated and ghosted through the house like a revengeful shadow. Remus felt helpless since he couldn't think of any way to help him out of his melancholy, knowing full well that it was the house and the involuntary isolation that afflicted Sirius, destroying him slowly but steadily. He had secretly talked to Dumbledore but the headmaster had insisted that number twelve Grimmauld Place was the safest place for Sirius and that he had to endure.

And still, there was something about the black-haired man that kept Remus…enthralled. It wasn't his good looks. His beauty had wasted away in Azkaban and remained part of Remus' memory. Despite everything Sirius had been through he had preserved his overpowering personality and his inexplicable charm. That was, if he wasn't brooding and sulking. Sometimes Remus thought that Sirius was still twenty-one years old and only caught in his older body.

"Smells good."

Remus spun around and almost lost his footing. "Merlin, Padfoot, don't sneak around like that!"

Sirius grinned mischievously. "I've got a simple mind, I'm easily amused, you know."

"As if," smiled Remus. Sirius took out his wand and summoned two plates and cutlery.

"You didn't mean to eat this all by yourself, did you?" he asked, still grinning.

"Wouldn't have dreamt of it. You're like a Niffler when it comes to food," answered Remus. They sat down and ate in comfortable silence.

"Remus, will you ever tell me what happened?" asked Sirius after a while.

Remus frowned. "I thought I already did. Do you set store by the gruesome details?"

Sirius didn't answer, he only intensified his grip on his knife and fork. His black hair was so long that it covered his eyes. Bony shoulders were tense, his jaw set.

Remus sighed. If the younger Sirius had been unpredictable, the older one was downright volatile. "Sorry, Pads. I know you're worried."

"I BLOODY WELL AM!" roared Sirius, his face distorted with helpless anger. Remus leaned back in his chair and studied his friend's face. Sirius calmed down under his scrutiny and turned back to his beans. "What do you want to do after the war?" His voice was so low that Remus hardly understood him. The question left him completely puzzled.

"I don't know. Looking for a job, I suppose. Now that my 'furry little problem' isn't a secret anymore that will take some time," he finally said, smiling wryly. Sirius tossed his hair back in a surprisingly elegant motion and looked at Remus, his face unreadable.

"Right. Thanks for lunch. I found Bundimun in the cellar and we can't have this lovely house rot away, can we?" said Sirius, already getting up. "I'll clean up later, go back to bed and get some rest, Moony." Remus was too taken aback by this latest mood swing to do anything but nod.

* * *

Remus stayed a week, assuming that Dumbledore thought he needed rest. His bruises faded away but the full moon was coming closer and closer, leaving him off-colour. Two days before the moon was full Tonks dropped in, conveying a message from Dumbledore. Remus was supposed to stay for two more weeks before going on another mission to Ireland. Sirius raged and sulked before withdrawing from Remus and Tonks into Buckbeak's room. When Mundungus came by he didn't even come down to say hello. Fletcher left two bottles of Firewhiskey, which Remus received with a strained smile. He complimented the man out of the house, making a not-so-subtle remark about Mundungus supporting Sirius' depression and turning him into an alcoholic. Tonks made light-hearted advances to him as she was wont to do but when she realised that Remus' mind was absent, she took her leave. As soon as she was gone Remus went upstairs. 

"I don't like her flirting with you," said Sirius petulantly and fed a fat rat to Buckbeak.

"Sirius, stop acting the boy. She doesn't know about us and well, she's young. She doesn't mean it."

Sirius snorted. "You don't know much about my family."

"True enough since you prefer sulking in silence."

"Remus!" Sirius looked indignant before he smiled contritely. "Am I really that bad?"

"Sometimes," answered Remus, rolling his eyes demonstratively.

"C'mon, you like it most of the time. I remind you that you're not as old as you look, " bantered Sirius and hid behind Buckbeak.

* * *

Two days after the full moon Sirius seduced Remus in the library. He took his time, loving every gasp and every shiver he evoked with his hands and his tongue. It had been weeks since their last time, for Remus had avoided upsetting Sirius with his bruises and new scars, not knowing that Sirius had already seen them the night he had helped him to bed. 

And so Sirius savoured every second, every whimper, every growl. It was slow and languorous and achingly good on the dusty _chaise longue,_ where his father used to read his pure-blood propaganda. When Remus finally took over and entered him with a deep groan, Sirius' world was whole again. He looked at Remus' concentrated face, his golden eyes now filled with need, his light-brown hair sticking to his forehead, and thought _I love you _before he came undone.

They were still breathless and sweaty when Sirius gently pushed the fringe off Remus' face and asked his question again.

"What do you want to do after the war?"

Remus propped his chin on Sirius' chest and had the same worried and puzzled look from two weeks ago. "What do you really want to know?" he asked tentatively.

"Well, I…I was wondering whether…well, whether there is still an _us,_" sputtered Sirius, feeling the blood rush into his cheeks.

"Oh. Oh, Sirius, do you really have to ask?"

"I don't know. I think I do. I can't know for sure whether the Ministry is ever going to clear my name. I'm no catch these days," said Sirius, smiling sadly.

Remus only planted a kiss on his cheek and leaned his head back against Sirius' chest. "We never made plans, you know."

"Yeah, I know," sighed Sirius. "We could go somewhere else, leave Britain altogether."

"And Harry? You couldn't leave Harry."

"I know. But right now, I need something to look forward to. You're leaving in a few days and I-"

"I'm not gone yet," interrupted Remus and pressed himself closer to Sirius.

* * *

Sleep wouldn't come this last night with Remus. Tonks and Kingsley Shacklebolt had been there all afternoon and Sirius had really tried to grin and bear it. Remus had rewarded him with the best blowjob of the year but unlike the werewolf next to him Sirius couldn't relax and fall asleep. 

After all, what had he left Azkaban for? He was as useless as he had been all these years in prison. Patience had never been his strength and he grinded his teeth because even his clumsy cousin was allowed to fight in this war while he was being doomed to stay behind.

Remus snuggled against him and sighed in his sleep. The thought of losing him let Sirius tighten his arm possessively around him. The news from Hogwarts didn't bode well. This Umbridge woman tormented Harry with an unholy pleasure and Snape certainly had fun with Occlumency lessons. Sirius was isolated in this gloomy house but he wasn't blind. Sooner or later Voldemort would make his return known to the public and then it wouldn't matter whether Sirius Black was a fugitive or not. He would fight for the Order, he would fight for Harry.

Remus turned in his sleep and Sirius made a decision. He disentangled himself from Remus and eased out of bed. He put on his robes and tiptoed over to the window, where the old and heavy desk stood. "_Lumos_!" he whispered and his deft fingers found several scrolls of parchment and a fine, golden quill, undoubtedly his father's.

How to start? Dear Remus? No, that was too formal. Sirius wrote 'Moony' and immediately rumpled the parchment. Using his nickname wasn't appropriate. It took him four hours and seven attempts until he was satisfied with the result. It was half past five in the morning when he joined his lover again, revelling in his warmth. Sirius smiled as he fell asleep, he smiled in the knowledge that he had finally done something right.

* * *

"Snape stopped teaching Harry Occlumency, he's to blame!" bellowed Sirius. 

"We can find someone to blame after we get Harry out of there," said Remus reasonably.

"Hear, hear!" said Tonks and moved towards the door. Kingsley Shacklebolt was already waiting impatiently.

"I'M NOT STAYING BEHIND!" roared Sirius and followed Remus.

"Snape requested that someone stayed here and informed Dumbledore," argued Moody. "You're not doing anyone a favour by getting yourself caught in the Ministry, Black."

"It's my godson we're talking about! I'm not going to wait here while Harry is running into a trap. Kreacher can inform Dumbledore." Sirius' jaw was set and his grey eyes glistened coldly.

"BLOOD-TRAITOR, HALF-BREEDS AND MUDBLOOD SCUM IN THE HOUSE OF MY ANCESTORS! OH, THE SHAME! YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE. YOU FILTHY LITTLE ABOMINA-" screeched the portrait.

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" roared Sirius, stormed over to his mother's portrait and, with an uncanny strength, he forced the curtain close. Breathing heavily, he turned around and found the others gawping at him.

"Well, I think Black is definitely in the mood to fight," commented Moody dryly.

"Kreacher! Come here at once!" A soft POP and Kreacher appeared in the hallway.

"Master called Kreacher," he said in his deep, hostile voice.

"Yes, I did. As soon as Dumbledore arrives you're going to tell him that we're at the Ministry of Magic. Tell him there was a trap and that Harry Potter and several of his schoolmates are in the Department of Mysteries. Understood?"

"Yes, Master," answered Kreacher and there was an unholy gleam in his eyes. Sirius found this slightly disturbing but shrugged it off. Harry, he had to rescue Harry. He wouldn't fail James and Lily this time. Sirius looked at Remus and nodded grimly.

"Let's go," he said determinedly.

Shacklebolt opened the door and the five of them stepped outside. The door closed behind them with an air of finality.

…_to be continued_

_

* * *

_I know it is sad but I hope you liked it anyway. Take a minute and **review** because it makes me happy! _  
_


	20. revelation

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I don't own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas or his poem 'And Death Shall Have No Dominion' either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note: **This is the very last chapter! Thanks to everyone who went with me on this journey and read my story! The raw version of this chapter was already written shortly after the second, so I knew exactly where I was heading. The poem inspired me a lot because for me it is what love (and especially Remus' and Sirius' love) is about in a nutshell. The _last_ sentence is the reason I wrote 'Revelation' in the first place. One day I came up with it and couldn't stop thinking that this would make a nice ending for a fanfic. And 20 chapters later, here we are! Enough talking, go on and read!

* * *

_chapter twenty: revelation_

_And death shall have no dominion.  
Dead men naked they shall be one  
With the man in the wind and the west moon;  
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,  
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;  
Though they go mad they shall be sane,  
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;  
Though lovers be lost love shall not;  
And death shall have no dominion._

Silence reigned in his room while outside Molly, Arthur, Kingsley and Bill were packing all the documents and reports that had been stored at number twelve Grimmauld Place. The house wasn't safe anymore. Not since Sirius had fallen.

Remus blinked. The room was as gloomy as ever, only now there wouldn't be any colour, everything was strangely monochrome. Hardly any light was falling through the thick curtains and left him in a sea of green velvet he could drown in, disappear in. From time to time Remus wondered whether going to his room would have been smarter, more logical. Unfortunately, logic faded away in times like these.

He caught himself staring at Sirius' scarce belongings. A discarded sweater, the trousers Remus had given him before he left his cottage, a bottle of Firewhiskey, a Quidditch magazine, an old sock underneath the bed.

Remus had not left Sirius' room for three days. He had put an enchantment on the door, shutting the world out. Only at night, he perforce sneaked out in order to use the toilet and drink some water. When they had told him about Sirius' crime back in 1981, he had been devastated. He had cried for Lily and James, for Wormtail, for Harry, for everything and everyone he had lost. But he could not bring himself to grieve for Sirius. Sirius, the traitor. Sirius, the murderer. He had slept with neither black-haired women nor men and a pair of grey eyes could ruin the prospect of sleep for days, but he had not grieved for Sirius.

This time was different. Now, he allowed himself to admit the loss. But he still could not weep for the friend he just lost a second time. His throat was painfully constricted and his eyes were burning from lack of sleep. Remus was caught in a stupor, seeing Sirius fall over and over again, the horror abruptly replaced by memories of a laughing Sirius, a raging Sirius, a Sirius kissing him.

Remus could not eat. He had tried the first day when he thought he could _pretend_ a second time. He found out that living through hell once did not make it easier the second time around.

A knock at the door broke the silence.

"Remus? It's Albus."

No request for admittance, no questions, just this. And Remus got up, straightening his robes, his hair, his body, his soul. His wand felt strange in his hands, cold and alien, belonging to the outside world. He murmured the enchantment to lift the spell and the door opened. Dumbledore came in slowly, looking stern and gaunt himself. Had he always been that old?

"Remus, I won't ask whether you're feeling alright because clearly, you are not. I would not invade your privacy if it wasn't important." Dumbledore paused and his blue eyes were full of sympathy. He crossed the distance and put a hand on Remus' shoulder. This simple touch broke the stupor and Remus blinked, bewildered.

"I'm sorry, headmaster," he said hoarsely, voice like sandpaper from days of disuse.

"No need to be, no need to be. Sit down, Remus!" And the older man pushed him gently into a chair. Remus felt suddenly ashamed of himself, of what he must look like, unshaven, red-eyed, starved.

"I must inform you about Sirius' will."

"His body is hardly cold," Remus said tetchily.

"Except there is no body," said Dumbledore calmly. "Remus, I am not here to torture you with bureaucracy. He left the house to his godson, which I deem highly provident. But Sirius Black has left something in my possession, to be handed over to you in case of his demise. It's a letter."

"A letter?"

"Yes, indeed. You might want to read it," suggested Dumbledore with an encouraging smile.

"Very well," Remus answered automatically.

"I don't know what it is about but I imagine it to be of utmost importance," said Dumbledore, eyes twinkling with some kind of understanding Remus wouldn't have expected there.

"I don't understand," breathed Remus. His brain was still not working properly.

"You will. Just read it."

"Yes."

Remus felt uncomfortable under Dumbledore's intense gaze.

"He also left you a certain amount of money."

"I don't want it," said Remus without thinking.

"I never thought you did," answered Dumbledore. "However, it is his will, not yours. Sirius was a generous man and you should not refuse what is willingly given to you."

Remus nodded reluctantly. The famous wizard fumbled with his robes and finally pulled out a letter. Remus reached out a shaky hand and got hold of the plain envelope.

"Thanks, professor," he said absent-mindedly, already focussed on the piece of paper.

"I'll leave you to it. We're going to leave Grimmauld Place for good tomorrow morning."

Remus bit his lip but nodded understanding.

"I am sorry for your loss, Remus."

"Thank you, professor. But it isn't just _my_ loss, it is also Harry's."

"Good evening," he heard Dumbledore say after a while but didn't notice when he finally left the room.

Remus found himself unable to breathe, now that he... He just stared at the letter in his hands. A letter from Sirius. He slid down the chair and sat on the floor as if the ground offered safety. Then he drew out his wand and blocked the door once more.

Now, he could open it. Sirius' letter. Carefully, very carefully and with trembling hands he opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. A note fell out.

_Swallow your pride and take the damn money. I want you to have it. _

_In case you refuse, everything goes to Umbridge's office. _

Good Gods, Sirius knew him…had known him too well. Remus suppressed a dry sob that bordered close to hysteria. He had never been able to say _no_ to Sirius, not for long anyway. He put the note back into the envelope and unfolded the letter. He blinked at the sight of Sirius' elegant cursive handwriting. Aristocratic. Beautiful. Remus took a deep breath and started to read.

_Remus,_

_You are not going to like this letter, since receiving it means only one thing: I am dead._

_I do not know how it happened, maybe I died of boredom in the lovely house of my childhood or I died in battle. I really hope it is the latter because, Merlin, you know me, I always preferred acting to thinking and yes, I want to go with a BANG and a little bit of heroic glory. I am a vain bastard after all._

Remus smiled.

_The reason for writing this letter is a lesson I learned in Azkaban. All missed chances are gone for good. Have you counted how many chances I let go, laughing or sulking? I feel sorry for many things and these regrets were haunting me in Azkaban because they lasted the longest and hurt the most. After twelve years of darkness and isolation I must say that there are three major regrets in my life._

_First, that I switched with Peter and believed you to be the traitor._

_Second, that I chose revenge over responsibility and condemned Harry to a life with the Dursleys._

_Third, that I never told you that I love you._

Remus gasped and almost dropped the letter.

_It is true, you know, you are the love of my life and I have not told you once. I could not pluck up the courage to do so. I have never said 'I love you' to anyone and I will die without saying it. I, Sirius Black, Gryffindor to the bone, am a coward. At nineteen, I was too stupid to realise what was in front of me and I ran away because it scared the shit out of me. You do remember the time I spent abroad just before James' wedding? That was because of you. I realised what you meant to me when you told me to piss off. I drank too much and shagged half of Europe in order to forget you. Never men though. I just could not. _

_After Azkaban, I have nothing to offer you. I am an empty shell only sustained by bitterness and the thirst for revenge. This house is driving me mad and I have seen your frown when it comes to me and Firewhiskey. Merlin, I am a mess and you deserve someone whole in every respect. Apart from that, I cannot bear to be turned down. My pride survived Azkaban unscathed. You were right the other day, you know? Back then, we never acted like a couple. We never made any plans, we never saw the future. Perhaps that is why we never had one._

_I always thought that James kept the Marauders together but now I know that it has been you. It has always been you in the centre. The funny thing is that you do not even know of your gift. You try to hide in the shadows and to be nobody's responsibility while everyone is trying to please you, to get noticed by you, no matter what. I know I did, I still do. The moon might dominate your life, but you have always been my sun, my light. Gods, that sounds maudlin, does it not? But it is true, I should have bathed in your light more often. Just because I never had the guts to tell you, do not think you were not loved or persuade yourself that you are better off alone. I know you like to do that. I do not…did not have the strength to break the walls around you. Being with you always hurt. I know you never needed me as much as I need you. I owe you so much. You kept me sane and all I can do now is to help you to go on. Is it presumptuous to assume that my death will pain you? I think not. _

_Please, Moony, do not give up. You are the last Marauder and the strongest of us all. Take care of Harry for me and promise me to let someone in, to show someone the real you. My love was not enough, cowardly and broken as I am. You deserve so much more. You deserve the best._

_I am so sorry. I love you._

_Sirius_

When Remus finished the letter he realised that he was crying. Crying for the love he had lost because now he realised what Sirius had been to him. He cried because his heart was broken, something he had not done for over a decade. The last time, he had cried his heart out for the same man but had not been able, had refused to name the feeling.

He let out a howl of agony and was startled by the inhuman, no, only too human sound.

Only now, after his friend had died, he could admit to himself that he _loved_ Sirius. He had loved the reckless and wild boy of his childhood. He had loved the arrogant and cocky teenager, who had enjoyed life too much for his own good, and who had left the family that could not live up to his expectations and picked a new one. He had loved the exuberant and easy-going man, whose never-ending vitality and joy had been sucked out by Dementors, and whose fierce loyalty had brought him nothing but misery. Sirius' spontaneous acts of affection had so often surprised him and his deep untamed feelings had scared him. Remus realised that he had also loved, no, still loved the broken man, the ghost that survived the hells of Azkaban.

He sat for hours in the same position, staring at the letter in his lap, his vision blurred by tears. Remus recollected all the happy and heartbreaking memories and it took a long time to remember everything. The day he met Sirius on the Hogwarts Express. A morning in autumn when Sirius ate ten eggs in a row to win a bet. Sirius' beaming face when they won the House Cup in fourth year. The night when a black-haired boy came to comfort him at the saddest Christmas of his childhood. Sirius rolling on the floor, howling with laughter at the sight of James' stunned face when Lily Evans finally agreed to go out with him. The need in Sirius' eyes when they made love for the first time. Remus remembered Sirius' infamous sulks, his mercurial temper, his unprecedented generosity. The day Sirius betrayed his trust and sent Snape into the Shack. The night Sirius changed into Padfoot for the first time. A detention in third year when Sirius set McGonagall's robes on fire. Sirius and James hexing students on their way to Potions. Sirius watching him when he thought he was asleep.

It was utterly dark when he looked up. A stale and bitter taste was all that was left. A thousand regrets. This and the letter that could have changed everything if it had been read earlier. Three words that could have changed his life, if said earlier.

Remus swallowed hard and tried to regain his usual composure, feeling shattered and strangely blurred. He stood up and stumbled, his legs cramped and numb. After a couple of minutes, he walked stiffly to the window and gripped the handle, clung to the frame - an anchor to this world, to life.

They had been fools. Why hadn't he realised his feelings before it was too late? Why hadn't he shown Sirius that he was loved as well, even after Azkaban? The world of _what ifs_ was threatening to suffocate him and Remus needed to close his eyes to swallow the pain. When he opened his eyes nothing had changed. Remus searched the nocturnal sky and tried to find the Dog Star but the night was clouded and Sirius was nowhere to be seen…

_And death shall have no dominion.  
No more may gulls cry at their ears  
Or waves break loud on the seashores;  
Where blew a flower may a flower no more  
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;  
Though they be mad and dead as nails,  
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;  
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,  
And death shall have no dominion._

fin


End file.
